Monday, 15 June 2009

  • Marrying your in-laws

    So you've been in a long term relationship with your significant other. You know you love him/her and you are pretty much ready take the leap into the next step of the relationship. Fortunately for you, your significant other feels the same way for you. Unfortunately, you hate your SO's family. What do you do?

    A good friend of mine is precisely in that situation. She loves her boyfriend and they have been together for quite some time. She lives with him in his house that also houses the rest of his family. She gets along with them, but day in and day out, they do things that drive her crazy, especially the boyfriend's crazy older sister who only cares about herself and her mother who does nice things, but with ulterior intentions for control.

    If my friend marries her boyfriend, they would be living exactly where they are now. It's a big house with multiple floors so one day, they might have privacy with their own floor--as soon as renovations are made. The problem is, there seems to be no definite date in sight of when any work will be done and the living situation now hasn't changed since forever. Obviously, the situation is a lot more complicated and there's a lot more to the story, but you get the picture.

    As a guy, I'm fortunate enough to not have to worry about living with my future in-laws. I would assume my future wife would live where I live (upon mutual agreement of course). But what if you're a women with a guy who purchased a house with/for his parents so everyone can live together? What if he's making the mortgage payments there and can't afford to put a downpayment on a house of his own? Of his family is nice, there wouldn't be a problem, but we all know how parents can get. Even the nicest ones will drive you crazy in time.

    I think if my future wife had a problem with my family, I'd definitely do something about it--either step up and mediate or move out. No one wants to be in the middle of these disputes because it's like your left hand not agreeing with your right. No one wins if there are issues involved.

    Maybe because I don't really have a parent/child relationship with my parents, I can just not listen to what they say. I literally don't care and I would tune out my significant other's parents/family as well. They might find me disrespectful, but this is 2009--respect is given where it is due. It's not automatic and it's not free.

    The last thing I want is people imposing their thoughts and beliefs on me. I mean, if my future in-laws are appalled with the idea of a BBQ wedding, what do I do? I'm not going to listen to them because it's not their wedding. As long as my wife agrees with me, then that's the most important thing. If anything, I could just not invite them right?

    What would you do if you hated your significant other's family?


    [Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]


Comments (26)

  • GERKshinobi
    lol you and your bbq's
  • petitetokio
    suck it up. just kidding. guess you just have to find a way to compromise. family is a big part of my life and if my SO didn't get along with my family then there is no way in hell it would work out. for me anyway.
  • Casa_blanca_lilies
    Hated is a strong word.. so if i did HATE.. then relationship is over unless my SO will mediate and put them far apart from me. And if I bring the hate down a notch to "dislike"... I will just prefer to see them during holidays~
  • aalex

    I have actually literally and totally told my SO ... (especially when I know for a fact that I am in the right) 'If you think your mum is right then please by all means.... Marry her!'


    Somehow I think, guys tend to listen to their mates... its like having a soft spot for her and whatever means most to her.


    On another note.. I think that BBQ rawks!!!!!


    later


    Aalex
  • spifffs
    I agree with you, if a couple is willing to take the jump into the independence that marriage is supposed to promote, then, personally, I would prefer it heavily, that we move out together. There's a time to break away from the nest.
  • liquid_s
    dammit atleast you have a freaking place to live - u should tell ur friend! and you can actualy live w/ ur husband! i am in the exact same sitch as she is (right down to the annoying older sister). the only difference is we don't have a place. we might have a basement but it's cramped (so small u can't cook & don't want to cook), there's only 1 small bedroom & my bf snores & i can't teach piano! but his sister gets to enjoy the upper 2 full floors to herself. yet my bf also doesn't want to rent AND my parents are too stingy to give me a small townhouse or condo! atleast she can live w/ him :( i have to travel back & forth between my house & his every day just so i can see him for a couple hours.
  • mr_faust
    give it three months, otherwise, get the f*** out of there +_+
  • Trigger821
    right now I am in the situation where I struggle if I should buy a 2 units house to share with my parents or an apt just for myself for the very reason as you mentioned in this entry. my parents are surprisingly reasonable people to everyone BUT me so the chances my SO not liking my parents should be less...but at the same time being so close mean there will be more opportunity for conflict too...
  • YOuR_IcKi3R
    i would totally have a bbq wedding ... mmmmmm.
  • MJeeeeeeeezy
    it's not as simple as "not inviting the in-laws." i would drop the guy, it's as easy as that. actually, i wouldn't even get involved with a guy who has a weird family.

    and hell fucking no, im not living with his family under the same roof hahaha he would have to be joking. if he's paying the mortgage for his fam bam, that's great and sweet but we're getting a place of our own. no if's, and's, or but's about it.
  • MuseErato

    i agree with pt that family is a pretty important part of my life.  if my bf and family don't get along, it would upset me alot.  if they do not like each other, i expect them to be civil towards each other.  ( if they cared about MY happiness, both parties should at least try to play nice.)


    based on stories i've heard from my friends, there are always problems when the guy is a mommy's boy - he is torn between the two woman he cares about the most.  and you're right - it's a struggle for power and control.  sometimes i think the guy's mother just cannot accept the fact that there is another woman that her son loves just as much/more so she does all these stupid shit to show the poor girl who's the alpha female. 


  • SimplyNita
    I also don't have a good relationship with my parents and I agree with you when you say that respect is given when it's due and it's not free. I've been in a relationship where I didn't like my boyfriend's family excepting for his mom. I dealt with it, but in the end it didn't work out.
  • acst2
    He doesn't really have family. He used to live with his Aunt and i didnt really like the family because his cousin has this ear piercing irritating laugh, his uncle and other cousin are always in their room. and the aunt just wants money, always talking about it. also! he used to have this friend that would invite himself over. Ick. Thank goodness he lives with me . my parents like him.
  • mewithoutu77
    that's tough, i guess i would be a little pissed that everyone's living in the same house as my and my SO and there's no real privacy. i guess i'm such a selfish person, i would never be able to do that. i need my own space and i wouldn't be able to have any self control if i didn't like my in-laws.
  • toefu6000
    If I met my boyfriend's family and we didn't click, I can only hope that they live far away and encounters with them will be few and far inbetween. If they live nearby and/or with him, then I would have to seriously reconsider the relationship.

    I can't say I'm 100% behind having a multi-generation household but then again, I don't have any children of my own yet.
  • Covergirl_For_Sanity_Fair
    Your friend isn't mature enough to get married. Man up and move out. Unless his parents need care, there's no reason for him to still live there, especially when he wants to get married or even live with a girlfriend (which, imo, is wrong anyway).
    Respect for your elders isn't something they should have to earn. I'm sorry your parents didn't raise you well, but other people deserve respect simply because they're older than you.
  • mycontinuity
    If you don't get along with the family now, then you aren't going to get along when real problems arise.
  • LolliPooP
    the thing is, there can only be one queen in the castle. it's definitely a power struggle. I have a fantastic mother in law who is very nice, understanding and so kind hearted. We get along fabulously, but that isn't to say that I want my parents in law to live with us forever. At some point, two people just need their own privacy and space. that's exactly the situation I find myself now and it definitely isn't because we don't get along. I think it's just better to keep wives and mothers separate no matter what. That should be the rule!
  • kor_girl
    I think as much as we love our family, a new couple should have the intent of making a family of their own, OUTSIDE of the original environment. Your friend should talk to her boyfriend about the possibility of moving OUT of the house than to make renovations. My parents have told us (my brother and me) that even in their old age, they wouldn't want us to live with them out of obligation or even as a duty... good luck with her and her bf, I'm sure his family will make a fuss about the idea of him moving out.
  • j_e_n
    How about, what do you do if your parents hate your significant other? That's my situation.
  • vincycheng

    one of my gal fd has similar problem as ur fd~but she juz got tgt with that boy for only a yr.....
    n somehow~she seem and think that she is the source of the problems (bad relationship of her bf n his family).....


    wei~if u cant go along well with their family~it s somehow impossible for u to go alone well with ur (future) husband....that s wt i got in my mind....coz family s ppl who u hv spent the most time with when u were young n that def. influence u, ur personality, ur habit n ur life.........if she cant make a deal with them~this somehow implies she cant make a deal with part of u.........
    blah~so n so~i suggested my gf to stay back n go back to her home for a period of time......to c whether she is really the source of problem~if yes~she should think abt how to deal with it if she want to marry him~if no~she should help him to solve all those problems...........


    however~she didnt take my advice~:P
  • lil_joycie

    i think.. i would ask if it were possible to move out to a home nearby the family house.
  • fubabee
    That's a deal breaker for me. I'd move out. Maybe if I was younger I'd try to tolerate it, but as I get older, I realize in order for me to be happy, I need my space, and if the SO can't/won't accommodate I'd seriously think twice about whether or not it's worth it to continue the relationship. It's not an ultimatum, but why put anyone in that type of situation?

    It's not a matter of being selfish. I'm a firm believer that you can't be your own person if you cannot create your own home surroundings. To constantly worry about whether or not it's acceptable to do things a certain way because it's not your own home puts you in a very uncomfortable position, especially when privacy isn't necessarily granted...
  • Phoenix_Frozen
    More to the question, what if his family hates you! (or her family hates you). It drives a wedge in a marriage like no other. It's much harder to be married under pressure that to be married with a blessing. Marriage can be stressful enough as it is, but if you add that other layer on top, you're asking or trouble.

    Unfortunately, marriage is NOT as easy as "do you love this man/woman or not".
  • Angry_Gloomy

    Isn't getting married abut starting your own family? 


    I can't even live with my own family, and I LOVE and have a great relationship with my parents!

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