My friend called early Saturday morning while I was walking around Baltimore. It was like 8:30am from where she called, so I knew something was wrong an she wanted to talk. She told me that her "friend" invited her out to dinner the night before an had something important to tell her--she was getting married in October. Problem was, my friend wasn't invited.
So the conversation started with a mutual friend leaving another mutual friend on Facebook, telling the person that they be seeing each other at "the bride's" wedding. Apparently, first person assumed he/she was invited. So "the bride" told this story to my friend during dinner, which caused my friend to inquire about her own invitation. The response, "so you're one of those assuming people."
It's understandable sometimes when you're not invited. It might be a small wedding with just some extremely close friends and family, so my friend didn't get upset and asked "the bride" about her wedding. It's going to be around 100 people and some of their mutual friends are invited.
Obviously, my friend is hurt. She wrongfully assumed that they were close and at that moment, was able to accurately gauge the level of their friendship based on that invitation list. She knew who was close to her and she wasn't one of them.
I completely understand that people can't invite everyone to their wedding. My qualm is, why invite someone to dinner, tell them you're getting married and then tell them they're NOT invited?What kind of friend does that? If there were people I wasn't inviting, I would never mention anything to them. They can take a hint or they can ask me. At least I wouldn't be the one provoking it by talking about my wedding that I'm not inviting them to. It's literally slapping someone in the face. "Be happy for me! I'm getting married! I'm inviting this person and that person. You? Sorry, but you're not invited. Be happy for me anyway!"
You know what's worse? When they tell you about the wedding to your face, but don't tell you that you're not invited. You have to battle it out within yorself to ask. I was in the same situation before and I had to convince myself that there was a reason why my friend wasn't inviting me. I never asked because I didn't want to be given an invitation out of pity. I took it the best I could, but like my friend, understood where I belonged in that person's heart.
You can't satisfy everyone and weddings ARE expensive. You can't invite everyone you know to yours. But know that you are defining the friendship by inviting or not inviting someone. Don't make things worse by talking about your wedding to those you're not inviting. Lastly, don't be surprised when you're not invited to their's.
Comments (31)
What kind of person does that? It hurts already that she didn't get an invitation, but to find out on Facebook and get invited to dinner and be told that you're not invited? Thats cold. If the girl was inviting mutual friends, then what is your friend considered as? What column is she under on Facebook? Times like this it shows the ture side of a person. Even if your treat someone with the most respect, they might not do the same. You can't invite every single person, but you invite your friends. It's like an unwritten rule or something.
Wow, your friend deserves a hug.
Why is the bride-to-be acting like that? She is being both inconsiderate and disrespectful. Maybe it's out of context but that response "so you're one of those assuming people" sounds malicious. It's almost as if she never thought of your friend a friend much less a close friend.
If that happened to me, i'd assess the situation for any wrongdoings, if this was an act of revenge, or anger for something i'd done.
If not, i'd wish them well for the future, and cut ties with them. For someone that I considered a friend, maybe even a close friend, for them to do such an insensitive and obnoxious move like that would warrant the end to what 'friendship' we ever had.
I'm sorry, but I feel that your friend was partially out of line by assuming she would be invited. Granted, I don't know the extent of your friends' and the bride's relationship. But regardless of how close someone thinks they are to another person, no one should ever assume that they're are invited to a wedding just because they are friends. Financial circumstances and overall relationships dictate a wedding guest list.
I suspect the bride is inviting your friend out to dinner, precisely because she can't invite her to the wedding, and that she explained this to your friend during the dinner. I don't think this is inconsiderate and disrespectful by any means. This is assuming she invited your friend out to tell her in person her reasoning behind not being able to invite her because your friend didn't seem to get the hint that perhaps their friendship isn't that close. (And this is the right thing to do by the way.)
Also, we don't know what else was said between the bride and your friend. So we can only speculate based on your word about your friend's interactions with the bride. Should your friend be hurt? I don't think so. If anything, she should be a bit relieved that she 1) doesn't have to go out and buy a new dress, and 2) not obligated to send a gift.
And I'd have to disagree with you on defining a friendship based on whether or not you get invited to someone's wedding. Just because you're not invited doesn't mean you don't have a strong friendship with someone. That's a very common misnomer that I see with a lot of my bride clients, and it's precisely this type of thinking that turns brides into bridezillas, and make the entire wedding into a larger-than-life spectacle because they "have to" invite everyone.
Lastly, if you don't invite someone to your wedding based on the fact that they didn't invite you, then what did that say about the friendship from the beginning? Obviously, not as close as you originally thought.
This wasn't a, "I'm getting married and I'm sorry I can't invite you dinner." This was a, "I'm getting married and I'm going to tell you about it, but not tell you that you're not invited until you ask," kind of dinner.
I think it's out of courtesy for her friend to tell her that she's not invited, NOT my friend's job to ask to confirm.
It's okay not to be invited to weddings. I've not been invited to many and it certainly doesn't bother me much. My friend would have been okay had she been told, but she wasn't. Who does that? Who gloats about their wedding and not tell you that you're uninvited? Apparently, quite a few people.
My friend had intentions of inviting her friend because they've been friends since high school and she thought she was close. Whether she does so now isn't petty in my opinion. It's like a couple where the guy does something that clearly demonstrates that he doesn't think feel the same way as the girl does. Can you blame the girl for breaking up with the guy?
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
@jigg - If that was that kind of dinner, then perhaps your friend had mistaken the nature of their friendship. Besides, isn't NOT getting an invitation enough of a confirmation? I don't understand why your friend needed to double check and confirm, even if they have been friends since high school. I still have friends I've known since grade school, but that doesn't mean I'm going to invite them to my wedding. Each relationship is different, and there's clearly a disconnect between what your friend thought and what the bride thought.
Again, we're going on your word about what your friend said about the interaction during dinner, so to say that the bride gloated about her wedding or merely talked about her planning, is really hearsay for us on the outside. And while I understand why your friend would feel hurt, I personally think it comes down to the fact that it's a mistake on her end to assume that she'd be invited.
In the end, no one should assume they are invited to anything unless they are family members, (and even so, it depends on the nature of the relationship).
ray, i'm getting married!!!!!!!!
@fubabee - agreed! never assume.
Slight confusion with the story.
My friend did NOT know her friend was getting married. The incident with Facebook was what "the-bride-to-be" was retelling to my friend of what happened between two of their mutual friends. That's when my friend asked if she was invited. I think she was more taken back by knowing who else was invited.
You're right that it's hearsay, but it doesn't mean you can't properly judge the situation. My friend told me that she told her about her wedding without telling her she wasn't invited. She might have been wrong for assuming, but in her defense, she shouldn't have been allowed to assume. Her friend should have made it clear on the get-go and I'm pretty sure things would have been better.
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I can totally relate to both parties; the bride probably forgot about your friend and once thought about it (as she noticed on FB messages being exchanged) she weighed the pros and cons and concluded that your friend is not that "close" to her because she forgot about the invite. Maybe she's closer to some other people who didn't want your friend present and she's a people pleaser. She's the bride, she's probably stressed up to the wazoo and isn't thinking too clearly. Not the best method but if she didn't have the dinner with your friend, your friend probably would've waited the whole night, trying to mention the wedding and her pending invite without sounding presumptuous.
And although I understand where your friend is coming from, unless I actually get a proper invitation, I wouldn't assume that I am invited. Maybe the bride doesn't think we're as close as I think we are; we all have different scales of things, and it's actually easier if she just told me point blank: "you're not invited to my wedding, sorry, but this is a wake up dinner." *shrug* blunt, not tactful but it gets the point across with NO confusion, eh?@jigg - So in this case, the dinner was just a dinner between friends, and it wasn't that the bride-to-be wanted to gloat about her wedding? And at this point your friend just happened to ask whether or not she was invited? From what I'm reading, it seems like your friend just happened to put the bride-to-be on the spot, and she didn't like the answer she received.
Regardless of how your friend found out about the wedding, and who was on the guest list, I still think it was her fault for assuming that she would be invited, and consequently being upset because she wasn't. It comes down to that. I'm not sure, aside from not getting an invitation, how else you would go about telling someone they're not invited.
She started off telling her that she's getting married. Then she talked about her wedding. Then she mentioned the FB incident, to which my friend asked her about. Then my friend asked her who else was invited.
I understand your point about my friend assuming. How would you tell someone they aren't invited? You just say, "I'm sorry, I'm not inviting you to my wedding." People have told me before and it's not as bad as "hinting."
My friend once called me and asked me why I haven't responded to her invite. I never received it because it was lost in the mail. Just because you didn't get an invite, doesn't mean you're not invited. Things happen. Better to be upfront about things so people wouldn't need to assume.
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
@jigg - I'm sorry, in the end I still think it was your friend's assumption that is off-base. Because if someone did not want to invite you, they just don't send you an invitation. And you're right, just because you didn't get an invite could mean it got lost in the mail. But again, in this case, it is up to the bride/groom to contact you for a final RSVP. It's actually tacky for someone to come up to another person to say, "hey, I'm not inviting you" if it was unsolicited. In this case, your friend solicited the answer and got one she didn't think she'd get.
Wow, that's pretty shitty.
dude that is pretty garbage. its like throwing a birthday party. i invite everyone haha. a wedding is even worst i guess. i am going to invite everyone to my wedding. i hope i make a lot of money to make that happen
yeah, that's pretty dumb of her. plus to SAY what she said when asked. that's messed up.
at least your friend's spared the trouble of getting her: a bridal shower gift, a bachelorette present, and a wedding gift :D
I agree with fubabee here...it's not exactly easy nor it is nice to say "hey, I am getting wedding, but you're not invited..."
Last time I checked, open honesty is what builds a relationship. If you can't say it, the relationship wasn't your priority in the first place. Many people tell people they're not invited. To talk about your wedding to someone with no intentions of inviting them, but also not tell them they're not invited is extremely inconsiderate and disrespectful.
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Yet another reason for me to elope.
Just kidding - sort of.
It's not easy to be up front and tell someone they're not invited to your wedding...it was probably a tough decision to give the person the axe to begin with. I think the bride-to-be did not purposely mean to hurt your friend's feelings or be disrespectful, maybe it was just mishandled?
its not easy to tell someone they're not invited but as Jigg quoted..."so you're one of those assuming people," is really slapping u in the face.
I hope this bridezilla sees this post and realizes how big her head grew.
ahhhh wedding drama.
I feel for your friend
anyway, I guess the only way is to elope to a far faraway island
or to have no friends
I feel bad for your friend, its hard to say what a person would do in that situation.
It's interresting that you made a post about this topic because I recently had this occur to me as well sans the awkward dinner.
I found out through fb that a childhood friend of mine is getting married and when we met up at a recent mutual friend's birthday, she barely talked about it except in the context of "my fiance". I contemplated bringing up the awkwardness surrounding her big day, but decided that with everything going on in her life, my inquiring about the whole situation would only make matters worse.
I'll admit, it hurt, but you're right - her actions has shown me where I stand with her and for whatever reason I will respect her stance because it's her wedding, not mine. Perhaps I was naive to believe that over a decade of friendship would mean something but I guess not. Granted we've lost touch, but I still consider one of the biggest influences in my life.
Perceptions are definitely different.
Haha wow the bride sounds like a b*tch. That is true though, like why tell us about the wedding/birthday/etcetc then say we're not invited? it's just kinda goes to show how close you are in their eyes. the same goes with birthdays too. and etc