Monday, 02 August 2010
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When long relationships end
In the past year, I've had many friends who have gotten married and many who thought the person they were going to one day marry, have their relationship come to an end. It's interesting seeing how some of these people deal with their loss.
I've had quite a few call me and talk to me about it. Some I haven't really spoken to in quite a bit so the calls came out of nowhere. Some were from those who I didn't think would result in a breakup. Others where I was wondering what took so long. While some were not surprised (about their breakup), they all wanted someone to talk to.
It's strange to me because whenever one of my relationships ended, I always felt some kind of relief--sort of like "finally, the fighting is over and I don't have to deal with issues anymore." Many of my friends however feel the need to talk about it. At first, I thought they just wanted me to listen, but it usually becomes me trying to analyze the situation from what they tell me and pinpoint exactly what went wrong.
I always felt that if you've been in a relationship for a long time (years) and you're not sure if they're the one for you, chances are, they're not. I would rather not waste my time in a relationship that has an expiration date, but many people do because feelings are hard to overcome sometimes and we all hope something good would one out of it. Not surprisingly, most people have made mistakes in their choices with who they date, but we can all rationalize that it was a learning experience. I would say for most people, it takes several mistakes to finally learn and some simply never learn.
Another interesting thing I noticed is the difference between how males and females deal with breakups. While most men usually feel anger or disappointment, most women feel sad and hurt, often helpless because they know the guy was a mistake, yet they can't let go. Most guys I know try to get back track--turn their lives around by working out and improving themselves, trying to enact some long term scheme of "getting back" at the girl by showing them what they have lost. Most women I know tend to do things to distract them and feel as if there's no way to move on, even if the guy was a total jerk.
We all know everyone eventually moves on, but it's interesting how we go about it. Obviously, time is the key, but I don't think we truly move on until we find another person we want to be committed to.
I've always felt that when something ends, something new begins. I don't think too much about the past because why let anything bring me down? I tell all my friends that there is someone for everyone. That person they were just with, simply wasn't the one for them. Life goes on.
How do you deal with those breakups?
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Comments (396)
Personally, I find the whole dating scene a pain in the neck. I've resolved not to get involved with a guy unless I'm pretty darn sure I'd actually marry him.
I'm also kinda tired of my friends when it comes to break ups. The first few times, I would try and be as supportive as possible... After the 3rd or 9th guy in 1 - 4 years, I started getting annoyed with them. (Pretty unusual for me, I'm a Pisces after all.) They'd dash from one "relationship" to another, sometimes with only a week in between.All the while, expecting me to always be there to pick up the pieces for them and to pick up the slack on projects when they went AWOL. >,< If something's really wrong, I'll go to the ends of the earth for a friend... but I found I have a limit when it comes to university "relationships". <,<
One of my best friends at uni actually told me, "Boys, can't live with them, can't live without them!".... I just stared at her and thought OH YES YOU CAN!! I'm still trying to understand why they have such a desperate need for a guy or a girl in the case of some guys. It's like they don't feel like a complete woman/man without a S/O. My life is way too complicated at the moment to have to deal with dating drama on top of everything else. I have plans for the future, and they don't include staying in PoDunk, Ohio to get married and have kids.
By your standards, I took the guys approach to getting over a bad 2+ year relationship. I went out with friends, I lost weight, I wrote some of the best literature of my life, I moved on. But then again, the relationship lasted about twenty six months and it should have never gone past 6. I thought I was a great girlfriend, but it turns out I was nothing more than a martyr fighting for a lost cause. It's sad to think of how many women are in that same position because they don't feel strong enough to leave.
I've only been in two long term relationships. The first...well even though we didn't expect it to end so abruptly, I think I moved on quite well. And the other long term relationship turned me into a wreck. The few days after the breakup, I was reckless--in my actions and my emotions. I would be hysterical in tears, then I'd be angry as all hell, then I'd be really really indifferent, but then I'd be quite content and happy and have this super positive outlook on the future. To top that off, I think I seriously blew through hundreds, if not thousands of dollars on useless things...clothes, shoes, food, gadgets, shoes, drinks, shoes, shoes, shoes shoes shoes shoes. Sad thing is, I knew the relationship was over long before we atually broke up, I just didn't know how to cope. And yes, I did keep myself busy. Mostly with work and shoes... -_-
I can't sleep, can't eat, cry a lot lol. and I drown myself in work. when the dude I love my Vcard to broke up with me a month before my MCATs, all I did was study for that month and totally rocked it. I should maybe thank him one day lolll
Drink till I'm drunk. LOL. Just kidding. Usually I just drown myself in work/studies, and then spend time at home moping and watching my favorite movies/shows/anime/etc. This may sound a little stupid, but that's the reason I haven't been in a relationship in a very long time. In the end, some of us just end up giving up finding that person, and surprisingly, some of us are okay with it. lol!
i think it has a lot to do with how aware you are of your emotions and what they mean. i've had a lot of significant relationships and i feel like when you can make sense of the break up, it's easier to move on. i think people tend to try to complicate simple things and that's what is keeping them from moving on.
good post.
I am fighting so hard for my relationship with my current boyfriend not to end. It's one of those relationships that you know just won't work because you're too different and you can't compromise and you both want different things and you're both stubborn as hell. We've been together for over four years and I want to get married (mostly for the sake of getting married) and he doesn't. We were engaged once, just two months after we started dating but about a year and a half ago I broke it off when he had to move to North Carolina to live with his parents because he didn't have enough money to support himself, while I had a job. The world is trying to rip us apart and I see it happening every day. But I fight against it and it's exhausting. But we've been together for so long, I can't lose those 4 years and have them mean nothing. i want something out of it.
I was in another relationship that lasted a couple months, but we remained good friends for years afterward. That was a wrong match right from the start, but again I knew better than to stay but I refused to end it.
For me I've only been in one really serious relationship.
I can't call it "long term" because the way it went about was a bit complicated from day one, but it went on for a few years really did love the guy at the time.When we broke up I felt like I was going crazy.I just tried to concentrate on class work, chilled a lot with my one friend; he helped me keep it together. A lot of aimless driving around to clear my head, and a hell of a lot of music playing.
In the end I met an amazing guy who was able to fix my heart. For the first time I can say I'm over my ex and not have a sliver of doubt about that statement.
I think it definitely helps to get over things after you've met someone new, but that doesn't constitute jumping into random relationships within a week to get over it.Believe me, I attempted it.
I suck a lot of dick.
I don't deal too well. =.=" Which is why is seldom date in general.
Like the comment (person) before my comment, I don't deal with break-ups too well and that's probably why I've only loved two girls in my life... But I usually just take it head on and drown myself with hurt, pain and guilt... But you know, time heals all wounds...
I've been with the same man for almost four years and sometimes I want to marry him and others I know he's not the one for me. The fact I constantly question his place in my future makes me wonder if I'm just wasting my time in this relationship when I could be with someone I do see myself marrying. Problem is, after four years you create this bond with this other person, and with my man, its the strongest friendship I've ever known.
Considered moving on, but I always end up right back where I started.
I've never been through a break up I hadn't initiated and gotten over immediately, so honestly I don't know. I can see myself going through the sadness and helplessness, though. Like wordsandthoughts said above me, I question my boyfriend's place in my future. But after three years you can't just throw someone away because you're unsure. I need concrete reasons to leave and try to start over.
I think I deal with breakups well. I got over mine in a few hours and was able to move on. Maybe it's because I'm an insensitive person overall.
Well I was sure that I wanted the guy I was with so it was hard when things started getting messy towards the end. He was acting out of character, even when usually the problem was me(I had been different for a while and just gotten back on track with who I wanted to be towards him). So... my end goal was to work through things, but his apparently wasn't...
So it's kind of hard for me to let go because I still believe that he was IT for me. I didn't feel the need to look elsewhere because he had everything I would want forever, my best friend. How did I deal? Obviously, lots of crying alone, talking to friends, and sleep.
But nowadays when it still hurts, I just remind myself that if I love him, I'll give him what he wants and leave him alone. He doesn't want me there, and even if he didn't love me, I do love him. I'll give him this last thing. I use the "do the right thing" mindset.
I become rather bipolar. I fall into a rotation. I wake up feeling depressed, then decide I'm going to improve my life and get over him (at which point I usually decide to go shopping), and then once I'm in public, I see something that reminds me of him and get angry. Shortly after that I get sad again, and the rotation basically starts itself over.
@behindthedimples - couldn't have said it better.
I go crazy thinking about things that could've been done better on my own side of things.
I've only been in one long term relationship (2+ years). Basically the last year was an on and off thing. We were back and forth on whether we wanted to do it or not (in my own defense, it was my first real relationship).
I eventually broke it off. She was really depressed for months afterwards, to be honest. I hate to say it, but I'm one of those people that have a hard time moving on without someone else...and that's what I had when this one ended. I think I would be the stereotypical depressed girl you mentioned otherwise.
I think everyone deals with break ups in their own way. As for women I believe you are little wrong. There is an unspoken fact that most women when they get out of a long relationship try to look their best, loose weight, change their look etc and try to get a new guy, usually better looking then their ex in order to make themselves feel better and ex jealous. But I have seen women who would lock themselves in a room and cry for days.
I think many people stay in relationships for one big reason: They don't want to be alone. And being with someone who cares for you is better then being alone, even if that person is not right for you. That is just how many people feel.@uadreamybabe - I'm not so sure of your unspoken fact. None of my female friends that I know are like that. In fact, I don't believe any of the female readers that responded before you, are like that.
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I deal by distracting myself with schoolwork or reading. It's more of an "it hurts so much that I just don't want to think about it" kinda thing.
I think the way you deal with a breakup has a lot to do with whether you were the one who initiated it. I've been on both ends of the rope before - when I was the person who was being dumped, I cried and suffered and walked around with a perpetual cloud over my head for quite some time. More recently, I was the only who decided to end a long 5 year relationship (actually, it was the dissolution of an engagement as well) and in my heart, it was something that was a long time coming because there were a lot of unresolved issues that couldn't sustain a marriage. So the breakup was less painful because it felt right to me. My ex-fiancee, however, became a mess. In my case, at least, moving on seems to be easier when you either initiate it or if you see the breakup coming.