June 30, 2011
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Miscommunications
I think it’s so easy for people to miscommunicate and misunderstand one another. Much has to do with everyone’s effort to be tact with what they say, and how the person hearing it, deciphers what is meant. Another issue is when people try to think of what the other person is thinking and then speaks accordingly. For example, you want to go to point A, but you think your friend wants to go to point B, so you say you want to go to point B instead, trying to avoid a conflict. Or say your girlfriend asks you if she looks fat in a dress and in your mind, you think it’s best not to be so straight forward. Instead, you either lie and say no, or you try to be tactful and avoid the question altogether with an answer like, “maybe try another dress” (or something of that nature).
I have a real problem with this kind of communication. I love truth. I prefer to hear truth all the time, regardless of how it makes me feel. I know not everyone can deal with such directness. Some people just want affirmations. My friends know that they would not get that from me. They know that if they asked me a question, they would get the exact truth out. I also expect the same in return, but I noticed that many people aren’t used to being honest. A good example was many months back, I asked my mother-in-law about doing a small banquet in Boston. I would plan it, pay for it, etc. That way, all her friends and family members don’t have to trek all the way to New York. Instead of agreeing to this idea, she tells me not to do it. I ask her if she’s sure and things would be easier on the guests, but she tells me no. I’m not going to beg. If she doesn’t want to do it for whatever reason, so be it.
For our wedding reception here, we asked her numerous times who she was inviting. She said only family and insisted on no one else. Now, she wants to invite everyone. It’s really hard for me to plan a wedding that’s going to happen in 2 months when there are suddenly many more people who are not anticipated to come. At first, I was upset that she threw us this curveball, but I became really irritated when she blames us for not having a banquet in Boston. Obviously the situation is much more complicated than what I described, but overall, if she was honest and straight-forward with me, I would have planned accordingly.
I guess for people who know me, it might be a lot easier, but for those who don’t, often stick to their own ways. I always tell people to be as honest with me as possible because it will be the same way I am to them. Though it’s funny because sometimes when I say this, the respond with, “Oh, I’ve been told I’m really blunt.” I think in terms of communications, offering frankness without it being requested isn’t the best way to go about things. ”You really got fat!”… is not the way you want to start any conversation. I firmly believe that truth should only be given to those who request it. You won’t know I think you’re fat unless you ask me if I think you’re fat.
How are you when someone asks you a question? Do you take their reactions into consideration before you respond? What about you on the receiving end? Do you want the truth all the time?
Comments (12)
I’m a huge fan of directness as well, but all communication, even when you yourself are being straight forward is flawed and what you think might be straight forward sometimes isn’t for the listener.
It’s an interesting topic to think about and you’re not just talking about communication, you’re also talking about interaction and how you treat people and how you like to be treated. I’ve found that never assuming that the way I like to be treated is the same as how someone else might want to be treated goes a long way towards avoiding friction.
I give them the truth for the most part, other times I give them the truth with a little sugar coating.
truth aside, put any mother – groom’s or bride’s doesn’t matter – together with a wedding, and all kinds of trouble comes out. or father for that matter. i asked my parents if they wanted a korean ceremony added to our wedding plans, they said no repeatedly, but suddenly when a elder friend of theirs suggested it 6 days before the wedding, my father wanted us to include one. we said it was too late to make that change.
It really depends on who I’m talking to. If it’s a close friend or family and I know that they won’t be offended by my directness then I tell it the way it is. If it’s someone I don’t know very well, I tend to be respectful and put it in a nice way.
i think there’s a lot of things ppl just shouldn’t ask. I also think it’s okay to give white lies…
“am I the best you’ve ever had?”
“Of course baby!”
that’s always the right answer.
I’m an advocate for telling the truth as well, but it largely depends on my audience. There are people who are sensitive to hearing the ugly truth, so I usually preface my answer with: “Do you want to hear what I really think?” or in other cases “Now, I’m going to tell you what I really think, so please don’t get offended… I’m just trying to help”
With people who know me well and expect the truth from me, I just tell them exactly what I’m thinking as clearly and directly as possible.
it’s hard to talk to you sometimes because you tend to be domineering in conversations. for example, the wishing tree – after listening to you bash the idea for a good 5 minutes, i kind of lost desire to go through with it. not that i disagree w the points you brought up, it’s just that i gave up trying to explain why i want to do it.
I think it isn’t a question of being direct, but how you say the truth, or put your point forward.
For the most part, what we say aren’t truths, but just opinions.
For instance, if someone weighs 80kg, you might say that person was fat by conventional standards, and you can’t see why stating so to his face might hurt his feelings. But what if he/she had just come down to 80kg from 120 kg through exercise, or if he/she were someone who works 2 jobs with no time to exercise? Or he/she has had a terrible year and the stress led to the weight piling on? Wouldn’t a little tact be in order here?
When it comes to dealing with ones loved ones, I think the best policy is to be nice and tactful, and to bear in mind that winning arguments might not always be winning.
Shu
my cousin just got married, he’s from brooklyn. his bride is from boston. their wedding was in cape cod. the traveling was a pain in the ass. but in the end, it was their happy day and i didnt mind. i hope all things work out for you both
Am I fat? WAIT, don’t answer that. =X
Hm – it’s not really that simple, is it? As long as we are all islands (and, inside our heads we surely are) the concept of “truth” is subjective. Honesty is something else entirely – but it’s still tricky, since the only honesty you can vouch for, really, is your own.
Would it really be so awful to simply explain that you had already made all the arrangements for family only and you could not accommodate the extra guests?g.
i don’t understand the point of affirmation. unless you just want a psychological thumbs up? what’s the purpose of that? feeling good, maybe, but productivity = 0?