August 2, 2010

  • When long relationships end

    In the past year, I’ve had many friends who have gotten married and many who thought the person they were going to one day marry, have their relationship come to an end. It’s interesting seeing how some of these people deal with their loss.

    I’ve had quite a few call me and talk to me about it. Some I haven’t really spoken to in quite a bit so the calls came out of nowhere. Some were from those who I didn’t think would result in a breakup. Others where I was wondering what took so long. While some were not surprised (about their breakup), they all wanted someone to talk to.

    It’s strange to me because whenever one of my relationships ended, I always felt some kind of relief–sort of like “finally, the fighting is over and I don’t have to deal with issues anymore.” Many of my friends however feel the need to talk about it. At first, I thought they just wanted me to listen, but it usually becomes me trying to analyze the situation from what they tell me and pinpoint exactly what went wrong.

    I always felt that if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time (years) and you’re not sure if they’re the one for you, chances are, they’re not. I would rather not waste my time in a relationship that has an expiration date, but many people do because feelings are hard to overcome sometimes and we all hope something good would one out of it. Not surprisingly, most people have made mistakes in their choices with who they date, but we can all rationalize that it was a learning experience. I would say for most people, it takes several mistakes to finally learn and some simply never learn.

    Another interesting thing I noticed is the difference between how males and females deal with breakups. While most men usually feel anger or disappointment, most women feel sad and hurt, often helpless because they know the guy was a mistake, yet they can’t let go. Most guys I know try to get back track–turn their lives around by working out and improving themselves, trying to enact some long term scheme of “getting back” at the girl by showing them what they have lost. Most women I know tend to do things to distract them and feel as if there’s no way to move on, even if the guy was a total jerk.

    We all know everyone eventually moves on, but it’s interesting how we go about it. Obviously, time is the key, but I don’t think we truly move on until we find another person we want to be committed to.

    I’ve always felt that when something ends, something new begins. I don’t think too much about the past because why let anything bring me down? I tell all my friends that there is someone for everyone. That person they were just with, simply wasn’t the one for them. Life goes on.

    How do you deal with those breakups?

Comments (399)

  • Personally, I find the whole dating scene a pain in the neck. I’ve resolved not to get involved with a guy unless I’m pretty darn sure I’d actually marry him. I’m also kinda tired of my friends when it comes to break ups. The first few times, I would try and be as supportive as possible… After the 3rd or 9th guy in 1 – 4 years, I started getting annoyed with them. (Pretty unusual for me, I’m a Pisces after all.) They’d dash from one “relationship” to another, sometimes with only a week in between.All the while, expecting me to always be there to pick up the pieces for them and to pick up the slack on projects when they went AWOL. >,< If something’s really wrong, I’ll go to the ends of the earth for a friend… but I found I have a limit when it comes to university “relationships”. <,<One of my best friends at uni actually told me, “Boys, can’t live with them, can’t live without them!”…. I just stared at her and thought OH YES YOU CAN!! I’m still trying to understand why they have such a desperate need for a guy or a girl in the case of some guys. It’s like they don’t feel like a complete woman/man without a S/O. My life is way too complicated at the moment to have to deal with dating drama on top of everything else. I have plans for the future, and they don’t include staying in PoDunk, Ohio to get married and have kids. 

  • By your standards, I took the guys approach to getting over a bad 2+ year relationship. I went out with friends, I lost weight, I wrote some of the best literature of my life, I moved on. But then again, the relationship lasted about twenty six months and it should have never gone past 6. I thought I was a great girlfriend, but it turns out I was nothing more than a martyr fighting for a lost cause. It’s sad to think of how many women are in that same position because they don’t feel strong enough to leave. 

  • I’ve only been in two long term relationships. The first…well even though we didn’t expect it to end so abruptly, I think I moved on quite well. And the other long term relationship turned me into a wreck. The few days after the breakup, I was reckless–in my actions and my emotions. I would be hysterical in tears, then I’d be angry as all hell, then I’d be really really indifferent, but then I’d be quite content and happy and have this super positive outlook on the future. To top that off, I think I seriously blew through hundreds, if not thousands of dollars on useless things…clothes, shoes, food, gadgets, shoes, drinks, shoes, shoes, shoes shoes shoes shoes. Sad thing is, I knew the relationship was over long before we atually broke up, I just didn’t know how to cope. And yes, I did keep myself busy. Mostly with work and shoes… -_-

  • I can’t sleep, can’t eat, cry a lot lol.  and I drown myself in work.  when the dude I love my Vcard to broke up with me a month before my MCATs, all I did was study for that month and totally rocked it.   I should maybe thank him one day lolll

  • Men m women deal with it differently. Also depends on the exes.

  • Drink till I’m drunk. LOL. Just kidding. Usually I just drown myself in work/studies, and then spend time at home moping and watching my favorite movies/shows/anime/etc. This may sound a little stupid, but that’s the reason I haven’t been in a relationship in a very long time. In the end, some of us just end up giving up finding that person, and surprisingly, some of us are okay with it. lol!

  • i think it has a lot to do with how aware you are of your emotions and what they mean. i’ve had a lot of significant relationships and i feel like when you can make sense of the break up, it’s easier to move on. i think people tend to try to complicate simple things and that’s what is keeping them from moving on.good post.

  • I am fighting so hard for my relationship with my current boyfriend not to end. It’s one of those relationships that you know just won’t work because you’re too different and you can’t compromise and you both want different things and you’re both stubborn as hell. We’ve been together for over four years and I want to get married (mostly for the sake of getting married) and he doesn’t. We were engaged once, just two months after we started dating but about a year and a half ago I broke it off when he had to move to North Carolina to live with his parents because he didn’t have enough money to support himself, while I had a job. The world is trying to rip us apart and I see it happening every day. But I fight against it and it’s exhausting. But we’ve been together for so long, I can’t lose those 4 years and have them mean nothing. i want something out of it.I was in another relationship that lasted a couple months, but we remained good friends for years afterward. That was a wrong match right from the start, but again I knew better than to stay but I refused to end it. 

  • For me I’ve only been in one really serious relationship. I can’t call it “long term” because the way it went about was a bit complicated from day one, but it went on for a few years really did love the guy at the time.When we broke up I felt like I was going crazy.I just tried to concentrate on class work, chilled a lot with my one friend; he helped me keep it together. A lot of aimless driving around to clear my head, and a hell of a lot of music playing.In the end I met an amazing guy who was able to fix my heart. For the first time I can say I’m over my ex and not have a sliver of doubt about that statement.I think it definitely helps to get over things after you’ve met someone new, but that doesn’t constitute jumping into random relationships within a week to get over it.Believe me, I attempted it.

  • I suck a lot of dick. 

  • I don’t deal too well. =.=” Which is why is seldom date in general. 

  • Like the comment (person) before my comment, I don’t deal with break-ups too well and that’s probably why I’ve only loved two girls in my life… But I usually just take it head on and drown myself with hurt, pain and guilt… But you know, time heals all wounds…

  • I’ve been with the same man for almost four years and sometimes I want to marry him and others I know he’s not the one for me. The fact I constantly question his place in my future makes me wonder if I’m just wasting my time in this relationship when I could be with someone I do see myself marrying. Problem is, after four years you create this bond with this other person, and with my man, its the strongest friendship I’ve ever known.Considered moving on, but I always end up right back where I started.

  • I’ve never been through a break up I hadn’t initiated and gotten over immediately, so honestly I don’t know. I can see myself going through the sadness and helplessness, though. Like wordsandthoughts said above me, I question my boyfriend’s place in my future. But after three years you can’t just throw someone away because you’re unsure. I need concrete reasons to leave and try to start over.

  • Well done, Ray.

  • I think I deal with breakups well.  I got over mine in a few hours and was able to move on.  Maybe it’s because I’m an insensitive person overall.

  • Well I was sure that I wanted the guy I was with so it was hard when things started getting messy towards the end.  He was acting out of character, even when usually the problem was me(I had been different for a while and just gotten back on track with who I wanted to be towards him).  So… my end goal was to work through things, but his apparently wasn’t… So it’s kind of hard for me to let go because I still believe that he was IT for me.  I didn’t feel the need to look elsewhere because he had everything I would want forever, my best friend.  How did I deal?  Obviously, lots of crying alone, talking to friends, and sleep.  But nowadays when it still hurts, I just remind myself that if I love him, I’ll give him what he wants and leave him alone.  He doesn’t want me there, and even if he didn’t love me, I do love him.  I’ll give him this last thing.  I use the “do the right thing” mindset. 

  • I become rather bipolar. I fall into a rotation. I wake up feeling depressed, then decide I’m going to improve my life and get over him (at which point I usually decide to go shopping), and then once I’m in public, I see something that reminds me of him and get angry. Shortly after that I get sad again, and the rotation basically starts itself over. 

  • @behindthedimples - couldn’t have said it better.

  • I go crazy thinking about things that could’ve been done better on my own side of things.

  • I’ve only been in one long term relationship (2+ years). Basically the last year was an on and off thing. We were back and forth on whether we wanted to do it or not (in my own defense, it was my first real relationship). I eventually broke it off. She was really depressed for months afterwards, to be honest. I hate to say it, but I’m one of those people that have a hard time moving on without someone else…and that’s what I had when this one ended. I think I would be the stereotypical depressed girl you mentioned otherwise.

  • I think everyone deals with break ups in their own way. As for women I believe you are little wrong. There is an unspoken fact that most women when they get out of a long relationship try to look their best, loose weight, change their look etc and try to get a new guy, usually better looking then their ex in order to make themselves feel better and ex jealous. But I have seen women who would lock themselves in a room and cry for days. I think many people stay in relationships for one big reason: They don’t want to be alone. And being with someone who cares for you is better then being alone, even if that person is not right for you. That is just how many people feel.

  • @uadreamybabe - I’m not so sure of your unspoken fact.  None of my female friends that I know are like that.  In fact, I don’t believe any of the female readers that responded before you, are like that.-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  • I deal by distracting myself with schoolwork or reading.  It’s more of an “it hurts so much that I just don’t want to think about it” kinda thing.

  • I think the way you deal with a breakup has a lot to do with whether you were the one who initiated it. I’ve been on both ends of the rope before – when I was the person who was being dumped, I cried and suffered and walked around with a perpetual cloud over my head for quite some time. More recently, I was the only who decided to end a long 5 year relationship (actually, it was the dissolution of an engagement as well) and in my heart, it was something that was a long time coming because there were a lot of unresolved issues that couldn’t sustain a marriage. So the breakup was less painful because it felt right to me. My ex-fiancee, however, became a mess. In my case, at least, moving on seems to be easier when you either initiate it or if you see the breakup coming. 

  • @jigg - well i guess that was just true for all the females that I am friends with. Ill give you examples;My friend Andi: Broke up with a guy after 4yrs of dating. Changed her haircut, renovated her apartment, went to egypt and then the whole eastern europe, jumped out of the airplane and learned to swim. All within a yearMy friend Carla:Broke up with a bf of 2 yrs. Joined an artist group, changed her hairstyle, got a new guy, and became a party promoter. All within a month.My friend Carolyn: Broke up with a bf 3 yrs. Got hair extensions, lost a bit of weight, bought new clothes, joined a sorority and went to china. Oh and got a new bf. All within a month.Out of these girls none cried or were depressed. They were unhappy and disappointed with the relationship ending but they did things for themselves. I am the same as them. When my previous relationship ended I went shopping, changed my look, started going out to different events, being more involved and meeting new people. Thats how it was for me and my friends. 

  • @janieishme - I agree with that. It depends who initiated the break up. =]

  • please come back.   xanga sucks without you xanga bosses running around. no lies.   great post

  • @azndood4you - lol.  I never left?  I blog twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays.-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  • Maybe it’s just me, but I think what most women did from your description.  Then again, it was my longest and my first relationship.

  • This was such a good read …I think that people hold onto relationships with expiration dates because we’re all (to a some extent) afraid of being alone. For many people being with someone, even if that someone holds no promise and no place in your future, is better than being alone. I agree with you that the past should stay in the past. No point moping around feeling sorry for yourself over something that’s already happened!

  • I’ll tell you how my friends deall with it =_= its called violence lots of violence (you know those girls in the movies that get back at their boyfriends by keying their car or talking about unmentionable things to others in public yea ^^ those do gooders are my friends)  and where does that end up? therapy lots of therapyand it also makes me wonder where I found them O_O……love them though >.>

  • …maybe this is why it took me forever and a day to get over my ex.  Still single, but I’m learning to embrace it and willing to open my heart to someone new.  :)

  • It’s been a long while since I’ve been in a break-up really. I guess it just takes time for me to see if the relationship will work. It just depends on a lot really. If it’s not going good or the guy is flaky then, I’ll dump him. Though I knew I got stupid with my ex because I believed he was the one for me. But I couldn’t of been more wrong. It takes time and a bit of growing up to figure it out. I’m happier than I ever could be with a guy that loves and cares for me.

  • “Obviously, time is the key, but I don’t think we truly move on until we find another person we want to be committed to.”That line makes a lot of sense.

  • As a female, I don’t find the point of staying in a relationship if I know I’m going to remain unhappy and sad with that person. I’ve dated a guy in the past, who I had some few things in common with, but I came to realize that he’s too much of a superficial party guy to continue dating with. When I called it off he then stopped contacting me.I’m sure whatever it was, I knew that he’s no longer interested in me. I was certainly relieved because he isn’t for me. I definitely learn from that experience for seeking better partners, and now I’m very much happy with my current boyfriend who’s personality is very close to mine. 

  • breaking up is hard, and everyone has a different reaction to it.  there is not one way to resolve it.  everyone is different.  that said, time and good friends are probably the most effective panacea to a broken heart.  realizing that you’re not alone, being supported by positive friendships, all help contribute to healing over time.  i hate to hear that people never “fully” get over broken relationships.  i’d have to disagree.  it just takes time and people need to give themselves that time to get over a person before they jump into another relationship, however long that takes.  i usually give myself at least 6 months.  for some people, that may be longer.  that’s why i never date people on the rebound.  they’re totally looking for relationships for the wrong reasons.  a successful relationship requires two stable people who have no problem standing on their own two feet.  two people who have fully come to terms with their past (after all, we are all just the summation of our collected experiences).  until a person has come to terms with their past, i would never attempt to date them.  and the same applies vice versa.

  • @davidian - Just because I believe that people never truly get over their ex’s unless they find someone else, doesn’t mean that they are rebounding.  Some people may felt that they have come to terms and then when they see their ex, the feelings somehow come back.At the same time, sometimes, people come to terms and when they finally do date someone else, they get a feeling of confirmation that they have truly moved on.-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  • This is soooo true. I needed this. thanks.

  • hmm, i think this entry will strike a chord with a lot of people. It’s very true that we’re never really over a breakup until we find someone new. 

  • 500 Days of Summer sums up relationships pretty well. But yeah, it took me a while to get over my ex, mostly because it was the only long-term relationship I had and it was the deepest connection I’ve ever felt with someone. But family, friends, and a change of scene made it better each day, and honestly, I’m glad I learned so much from the experience.

  • I just broke up with my boyfriend 3 weeks ago. We were together for 21 months and planned on getting married. I had doubts for a while and didn’t know if I was right about them or not, so I finally decided on a break and he didn’t stop me because he wanted me to be happy. We just didn’t have as much in common as I thought we should to have a working, lasting relationship. He’s handling it a lot worse than I am. He’s pretty depressed, but he tries to distract himself, nothing works. I get sad sometimes, but sometimes I feel kind of apathetic. Man, I feel like a jerk. Like I should feel worse about it. I mean, I still care about him… I just didn’t think we were meant to be…But when I was 15 and in love, in the happiest, most perfect relationship of my life, my guy broke up with me out of the blue after 6 months and I was a wreck. I took years to fully get over it.

  • I have dealt with all of my long term break ups the same way: dating someone new immediately afterwards.  Well, maybe not immediately.  A few days to a few weeks.  Usually I cry for a week though and I lose about 10 lb b/c I feel so bad.  I also tend to work out a lot.  I never really sit there and contemplate the breakup, but then again, I’ve only been dumped once in my life and that was only a 2 month-er.  I think that because all of my longer relationships ended due to life (or at least that’s what I said), I’ve never really been hurt that much by them.  I can usually see when I’m going to end a relationship, so by the time I’m out of it, I’m over them and ready to try it again with someone else…which kind of makes me sound like a cold hearted bitch, but I’m really not.  I’m just obnoxiously good at moving on :/

  • ive just learned to live w/out regret and to get back on that horse if you get knocked down….

  • I’d like to bury myself between a girl’s thighs.

  • i have been with my first bf for about 10 years now and if we were ever to break up …i dont know what to do.. maybe very hurt and angry………probably be helpless at first ……….then the anger part and not knowing if i could find another right guy for me.  

  • bad habit of drinking things like that away, but haven’t done that in a long time(over 5 years).

  • I drown myself in ice cream and brownies for a few days.  Then I’m fine.

  • i just keep going. of course, i give myself some time to clear my head and compose myself but on the whole, i just start walking.

  • @daniel__n - That is true. Furthermore, moving on is also especially difficult when one’s attached to an ideal and focuses merely on the positive aspects of that relationship–completely forgetting about the negative aspects, i.e. the continuous fights, faith differences, etc.—How do I deal with a break-up? I distract myself with music, I meditate, keep myself mentally and physically active, immerse myself in an environment where I feel welcomed, loved, and appreciated to prevent the self from becoming lonely and pre-occuppied with unnecessary and self-deprecating thoughts. But above all, I give myself time. If I need to cry, I let myself cry. If I need to be alone for a certain period of time, I give myself that time. A big part of it lies in allowing yourself to heal by attending to your mental and physical needs. There is also one thing I keep in the back of my mind, which helps rather tremendously: I believe things happen as they should and that that there is wisdom behind why certain things happen and a higher purpose, a purpose in which we may not understand right away, but eventually see.

  • I used to get all upset like the women you described. Now though when I feel a guy is becoming distant, I’ll train my mind to make me become distant too. That’s what I did in my last relationship. Turns out he had his own issues though and didn’t tell me till right before I broke up with him, but by then it was too late.I say I have the strength to say goodbye and walk away. Maybe sometimes I say goodbye too often.

  • @janieishme - I’d have to agree.I often describe myself as a bird. I just fly away instead of stay. I ended a 2+ year relationship, both of us pretending and acting like we were married for a year…and I just up and left. It’s part of who I am. Dealing with the breakup is easier for me than him and i’d have to agree it’s because I initiated it. however, what’s hard for me is when i agreed to at least be friends again. it hurts to see him cry all the time, yet i don’t go back. i actually moved on and have someone else in my life.

  • I did a mix of both.  My brothers got me into working out (i signed up for several half marathons as a result) and I also had plenty of crying/studying at the same time.  OR i distracted myself with a rebounder =X 

  • is it sad to say that i’ve never had to deal with a breakup?

  • We all have to mourne when relationships end — you’ve lost another person and a part of yourself.   Depending on the depth of love that was felt, and the way it ended, I can get very depressed and obsessive about what “might” have been, occupied with thoughts of reuniting.   For me, it’s much easier to get over someone if they’ve hurt me in some way. @explosive -  Four years is nothing in the scheme of things. most relationships end before old age and senility:)  You have your whole life ahead of you….better to end it now than in ten years from now, after you have three kids. Life as a couple just gets harder…not easier.  

  • well, I’m going through exactly that. The guy I’ve been with for almost a yr just told me he’s not sure if we were for each other and he wanted some *space*, now that’s killing me! I mean, space as in leaving him alone??? I can do that, I can try not to call him, but I’m killing myself slowly inside. And I”m not dealing with it very well.

  • @Southeast_Beauty - thnx for the comment, it really helps me with my situation right now. thank you!

  • I have been married 54 years to one woman. If she dumps me now, I will sell everything, move to Hawaii and live on the beach the rest of my life.

  • Red Lantern over here when things end. HAH!

  • I deal with breakups by taking some alone time to figure out what went wrong. If I see some kind of a pattern, I take a little longer to make sure I don’t fall under that pattern again. A lot of times, I just find out that the guy was not who he’d seemed.What baffles me are those boatloads of people who get over someone by getting under someone else. I’ve had a countless number of girlfriends who just distract themselves from hurt by busying up their life with yet another guy. I think the healthiest way to deal with it is to just spend some alone time and hang out with friends — and I mean friends who are there for you and not those who are catty and pit you against your ex. 

  • i can honestly say that when my relationship ended, it was messy.  i admitted to be wrong at times but i think when a relationship ends, it’s just not one person, it’s both the individuals involved but in my case, he blamed everything about me, lied to me that he didn’t blog about me to all our mutual friends and then when i found out, i was quite upset over the fact that he called me a very nasty name.  i tried to be civilize and just walk away from the relationship without much drama but it didn’t turn out that way.  when i told others we broke up, i even defended him.  i guess i was stupid for doing that and i was hurt but i never went to my friends and bashed him to them.  i’m not sure how he’s taking everything but i know on my end, i cried a lot, even asked him to re-consider but since he made it ugly, i’m able to walk away from it without feeling too much pain.

  • @True_self_indisguise - You are most absolutely welcome!

  • I don’t know how I will deal with it – my current relationship is almost 5 years long this coming November. I really like him but I’m not sure if he will make a ‘good husband’ or anything. This is my first relationship so I think if it is over I would be devastated at first but slowly learn to accept that it wasn’t meant to be. I have a question for you – how did you know Karen was the one?I can’t tell … I see ‘husband material’ in some of my guy friends but I can’t seem to find any in the boyfriend. Is there something wrong with that?

  • interesting post. personally, i never get over my broken relationships. i’ve tried, and i just can’t, because when they go i feel like a piece of me left with them, and if i did anything right, then they’d feel that a piece of them is also left with me. i don’t hold on to what we had, i just accept that it happened, from beginning to end, no matter how ugly the ending, and move on w/the help of time– perhaps slightly more jaded, but in one piece nonetheless. i think it helps to talk about it with someone if you want a third person’s perspective and/or to get closure.imo, although it’s comforting to think that there is someone out there for everyone and that the “star” they were wishing on just wasn’t theirs (plenty of fish in the sea, etc), sometimes lonerness is inevitable. i don’t think it’s something to be afraid of though, but to accept. i accept my parted relationships, as i said above, and if i cannot glean anything off of them, i like to keep this simple thought in mind: parting ways might not be easy, and God knows letting go is hard to do, but sometimes it is necessary in order for you and the person you were once with to fulfill your lifes’ path. and that’s just how i find peace in it. :)

  • The guy who I dated for almost four years and first serious relationship just broke up with me about a month ago. He lied and instantly rebounded to another girl he worked with. I also have a huge feeling he was emotionally, possibly physically, cheating on me before the breakup. Before I found out he was with another girl, I cried and called/texted him all week. Then after I found out, I was offended and baffled and we haven’t talked since. I going through a cycle-pissed, angry, upset, optimistic and accepting of the situation but then back to being pissed off. Hopefully time will heal or at least when I get back to school, the studying will distract me. I’m really young so school should only be my worry. My brother told me whenever I begin to feel sad, just tell myself he just wasn’t the “one.”

  • DRINKING FOR THE GOOD FEELING ALWAYS HELPS 

  • this post is just what i need right about now. thank you for your thoughts.

  • Ah~ You have a lovely blog. :)  

  • find out what went wrong. try to win him back. failed. cry. write down my feelings. talk to friends. distractions such as watching multiple shows. and let the time heal everything….the way you describe guys and girls. very true lol

  • Every long relationship that ended was a relief. I was free to be me again.

  • I was so relieved with my breakup. I was a little stressed the first few days, but after that, I did feel renewed and free. It was nice not having the pressure to put the needs of someone else above yours. I just felt so trapped and unhappy trying to please while I suffered.

  • For me, I wouldn’t date just any guy that asks me.  I have to at least tolerate him long enough for me to get to know him.  I don’t date just because I’m afraid to be alone.  I date with the intention of marriage to the guy.  With that being said, I know I sound like a hypocrite right now, but he isn’t my world.  I have hobbies and friends that I talk to and hang out with so if my relationship with the guy does end, I don’t spend that much time trying to get over him.  If my relationship ended, I would cry for a day or a couple of weeks.  I would put all of his gifts in a box and put it into storage.  Then I would be ready to take on the world again.  The way I see it, if a relationship ended, it wasn’t meant to be.  If I was meant to be with someone, then I will meet that someone.  Otherwise, can’t force something to work when I know deep down it’s dead already.  Can’t force a guy to stay if he has already made up his mind to leave.  Better to focus those energies on something more useful like career or school. 

  • im going through that stage right now.  i have an overwhelming type of sadness from putting all my heart and soul to one person for 3 years only to find out in the last 6 months she has cheated on me.  it does help somehow to go through some of the other comments people have posted– just to know the kinda of experiences other people have gone through.  

  • Most of my guy friends tend to suppress their feelings; it was as if they’re in a denial. Sometimes, some of them even hook-up with someone new immediately (like for just a few days after the break-up).

  • deal with breakup?probably some of the most effective, would be figuring out how to recycle or re-use parts of past relationships… if one gets really good at that, it wouldn’t seem like an all negative but could be (an at least partial) positive thing even if things don’t work out….the amount of time we spend in past relationships could be ridiculously lot, and to burn it all without using what we learn or the stories from them would be a waste… to either figure out what we need to change in ourselves, to give us questions necessary for our growth, or to carry our feeling and dreams in them…forward in a sort of reincarnation… i forget if it was a week(s) ago or whatever but the thought crossed my mind…what happens if everyone has a soulmate but if the right one can be an entity that shifts and jumps through the body of different people (after we figure the person who we thought were our soulmate ended not to be…because our “soul” mate jumped)? if that were the case, wouldn’t the story be more akin to a continuation of us chasing an ever elusive and moving ghost?

  • my way of dealing with this is just simply not dating . maybe i’m just simply a coward but i don’t like to have conflicts with people (any type of conflict) and when we are in a relationship , there are always some disagreements . i’m not taking this path just based on assumptions but on my friends’ experiences . i’ve seen perfect couples go south . so down south that it really scared me . listening to their problems helped me with my how-to-not-get-hurt strategy .i think women look like they are more prone to reacting badly to breakups because a lot of men are told to be “tough” . i think this is not fair for them because when they show a moment of vulnerability , they are laughed at .

  • I like to look at love as a choice.  A choice made between two individuals (or more if that’s your fancy), but if  you look at love as choice and not something that you just fall into–it makes life a bit easier to manage.  Unless you are a person who persistently tries to change other minds.  Then that’s the baggage you need to manage first. 

  • I guess this question will depend on what position I’m coming out of the breakup from. The Dumpee: Yeah, I don’t take being dumped too well. I can say I’m definitely the type of girl to get hurt and sad by it and would cry my eyes out, if it was someone I had been in a relationship with for a long time. I tend to blame myself for the breakup, after all there must have been something wrong with me if he had to dump me, and would try to get him back. I learned the hard way that being desperate is not attractive to your ex or to any guy and therefore getting back together will probably never happen.  The Dumper: I haven’t had to do this…Thank God because if I did, I’d probably still be with them. I always feel bad for hurting someone’s feelings so I can only imagine if it was hurting someone feeling’s that cared about me and I was in a relationship with, I wouldn’t have the heart to do it. Well, I’m married now to the love of my life so hopefully I won’t have to be put in either position =P.

  • It’s hard when  a long term relationship ends….my seven year one ended at the beginning of the year and I have to admit, I haven’t handled it very well……I’m trying to figure out what went wrong….I’m not sure how to let go and move on (although he has and has already promised the new one a future together)….I’m in a pretty dark place right now….for me, shopping or changing my hair, etc isn’t the answer…..

  • If we trust in God, although any breakup no matter how long you’ve been together hurts, then we will overcome and move on to something better.

  • Lucky you to be so detached…I was (still am?) a messy mix of what you describe for both girls and guys. Everyone has their own special brand of getting through difficult times.

  • @behindthedimples - i went through the exact same thing after my last relationship ended.  tore me apart really and i’m not sure why as I also knew it was over years before it actually ended.  it is interesting how we deal with matter of the heart…still confuses me

  • @KC47 - If you need someone to talk to, I’m here =).

  • @babixk1umzy - thank you for the offer, I really appreciate it and I will take you up on it soon..

  • @Heather_Also - I am in the exact same position. My last relationship was FOUR YEARS ago, i have friends that have gone through ten guys in the time span. I don’t understand why people feel like they can’t live with out someone. I understand that if it’s they’re True love. But these guys that they’re dating are not their true loves. Girls grow up and relize u don’t need a guy to survive. Most women with out a guy in their life are the strongest ones!

  • i distract myself. because every time im not doing something, i feel like shit. then again thats not true for all of them only for one relationship because i truly loved him, and still do. However for the others i was able to just move forward with my life. 

  • Pretty embarrassingly to say.. my first and last relationship wasn’t something that I wanted to begin from the start… But after being in this relationship really teaches me a lot about myself… that if I can turn back time.. I don’t ever want to be in another relationship again… just because.. guys will always be guys… and I’ll always be me… a hyperactive paranoid big pain in the butt..

  • How I react depends on the relationship. If it was a dead end relationship that I wanted out of, I’m usually back to my spunky old self. I go out, I have fun, I experiment with different hobbies. If it’s a relationship that I saw potential in and was suddenly dumped, then I’m a wreck. I cry, I go into extreme depression and drinking binges and I stop eating. The only relationship that has ever done that to me though, was my first love. Took me a full 3 years to accept it was over and be functional again. It took me another 2 years to stop being in love with him. I don’t think I ever want to fall so head over heels in love again.

  • I have dealt with each of my relationship breakups differently.  Just as each “serious” relationship I’ve been in, and the life we lead together was different, so was the breakup.  It’s always sad though.  When you choose to love a person, and you’re heart is invested 100% and then it doesn’t work out for whatever reasons, it’s always difficult.  I have felt like my world was crashing in, and I would never be able to love again, when my former boyfriend Jerry passed away and I had hopes of someday marrying him.  Later I discovered my heart was capable of loving again when I met someone who I had been with for a year and six months.  We are now no longer together as of this week.  How will I deal with this?  I’m not sure yet.  Time will tell.  I am very sad, but know that I will be fine and happy again, and knowing how much love I have to give, I know I will be able to love again, it’s just a matter of time and healing.  One thing is for sure, I have learned from each relationship I’ve been in and am thankful for the time together.  Life is short and it’s important to love and be loved in life.  I believe life is all about the relationships with family, friends and lovers along the way and that is what can enrich us and make us who we are.    

  • Good post. I havent bn in to many myself. The way I handle is to stay focus and write. Got to Let Go and Let It be.. I tell myself that all the time, so far so good to extent. Seem to be hard with the person I’m with now. Everytime I think I’m ready to move on or one foot is out the door. My feelings tend to come back out the blue. Pointless  sitting around crying about it. because when its over its over.But I have to say I really like what you had to say..

  • Can’t agree with this post more. I think that when it first ends, for me, I start going crazy and I feel desperate to have it back because I put SO much into the relationship and can’t deal with the fact that it just ended.. it takes a lot of comforting from close friends, self-realization in what went wrong (usually it’s the guy that’s the asshole, I do the best that I can in relationships, it’s me who gets hurt each time) and a lot of time to recover and be able to stand up on my own again. I know when I’m over the person when I realize I don’t feel the need to talk to them everyday, that I don’t give a damn if they’re dating someone new or even saying trash behind my back, nor that I need them in my life at all. That’s when I know I’ve finally moved on. It’s not easy to get to that stage, but it’s not impossible either. It just takes time and willpower.

  • “I don’t think we truly move on until we find another person we want to be committed to.” You made a very good point, which is true. However, everyone that has been in a failed long-term relationship should move on before entering into another commitment. As human beings we don’t easily learn from our mistakes. So it’s really important after a relationship ends that each individual enrich and strengthen himself/herself with lessons learned. You’re better able to judge the prospective significant other before entering into a new relationship, knowing where the pros and cons of the s/o’s shortcomings will lead.

  • I don’t know how deep you have fallen for someone but by taking break-ups as a relief? I think you already checked-out before the actual break-up. As for me, I think if I ever have to deal with a break-up again, I think I would need a M.O.M. (moving on man) aka “The Bridge”. LOL!

  • it normally takes time for me to move on til i get in a relationship again. i guess i really learn from the jerk whom used to be my “the one” i totally agree with the differences with how man and women deal with breakups. anyhow, it’s true that when something ends, we are to expect that something new begins. :)

  •  I do know that I have been at a loss since my significant other decided he had feelings for someone else and left.  I didn’t see it coming, we didn’t have any problems, he cannot identify anything that was wrong with us.  He loves me and just can’t be with me if he has feelings for anyone else.  I just don’t get it.  He gets to move on with his new toy and I am left here to second guess our relationship, my choices over the past four years and what the hell just happened.  And in addition to that I have lost my best friend.  I am simply at a loss. I just miss my friend more than anything else.  I can never go back and accept him in my life if he ever came back and moving forward is scary.  I am stuck in limbo.  I am starting a new phase in my life.  I am not a young chicken….I am 46 so this was serious on both our parts.  We weren’t just playing.  I am keeping busy, work, reading, friends, loosing weight.  All the typical solutions.  The hurt is getting less but I keep questioning my choices and what we were.  That is the killer.  What did I miss, how did I not see this?  Everyone in my family and his family didn’t see this.  Folks say it’s not me, but you can’t help but saying…what’s wrong with me and what did I do….I guess I just have to give time time.

  • In our modern society, breakups in relationship seems to be a persistent issue. I believe it’s the culture we’re in that influences this phenomenon. I can’t sit here and talk for the days of the past without any empirical evidence, but I think that people these days are more prone to breakups due to various variables, e.g., media. One way to deal with breakups, in my view, would be to perceive it as not the ‘end of the world’. As you’ve alluded to earlier, if one ends, another begins. The important thing is to be happy and to ensure that whatever decision we make, we are happy and it’s something we can live with. 

  • I think that’s the best thing to tell someone after a breakup, that they were simply not the one for them and that they should move on.

  • I guess I dealt with it the man’s way.  Remember when I broke up with my ex, I was angry and disappointed but I got over him within a month and started enjoying my life as well as improving myself to just like how you put it “get back” at him.  And 3 months later, he called wanted to get back together.  Of course, I laughed over it!

  • I’ve never had a real relationship, I admit, I’m a commitment phobic. Whenever I get really close to someone and started thinking about a possibility of a relationship- I freak out. A lot of my friends are getting married while I’m enjoying being single… But I do hope that one day I’ll find a relationship that will last. I have seen a  lot of break-ups and when my friends talk to me about it, i sometimes feel relief for them. You are right about females and it sucks whenever a friend of mine tried lashing out her pulse, can’t get up off bed or feel really depressed- I mean, there’s always life after a bad break up.

  • Every morning for two weeks, the first thing that comes to mind is him. No anger, yes relief, no regrets. Acknowleding that I am human and have every right to miss him and that it will take time. But then after a month, maybe I slow =P all this anger, regret, hate, and ‘what if’ comes to the surface. Then after one week of that hell, everything is fine again. All I need is a bit time and keep very busy physically and cognitively. Oh and fly to another country for a temporary escape is alwayz good =P

  • releathonships r a waste of time

  • When I broke up with my ex, I became severely depressed. And I was the one doing the breaking up, so there is no fixed rule about who suffers more, the dumpor or the dumpee. In my case, I suffered for a very, very long time and I had seen the break coming for months. The length of the relationship has something to do with it – I ended a 9 year relationship. There was no way I was getting over that in 6 months; I am not that emotionally shallow. In the time since I broke up with him, I cut my hair short, let it grow out again, started and finished a temporary job, went to England twice, went on a couple dates, completed a professional qualification and made a very good overseas friend, but I haven’t started seeing someone else. About what you said about not really getting over it until you have someone new, I would say that having someone new helps you forget, but not necessarily move on. I haven’t fallen hard over anyone since the relationship ended and I have learned to be extremely cautious with my heart and my affections. This is because I want to truly move on more than I want to do what’s easy and simply forget.The depth and length of the relationship made me realize that I am searching for something real, not for a Mr. Right Now. I am searching for a purpose in my life that got buried under when I gave myself over to this person so completely. Giving myself to him like that submerged me, and it’s more important to me right now to find me again than to try and lose myself in some other guy. But that does mean that getting over it took longer for me simply because there was no easy way to forget. Instead I chose the much longer road of coming to peace and coming to myself.

  • i’ve only been in 2 “real” relationships. the first one i got over quickly becuz he was a jerk and i was relieved to get out of that relationship, while the other one ended out of no where. that one hurt becuz we expected a lot from each other. marriage, kids, a family. we were suppose to last forever, but that didn’t happen. i hurt for a long time. took me a year to get over it, but i bettered myself, but at first it wasn’t for me. i only wanted to better myself becuz i wanted him to see that and know that i was growing for him. hoping that maybe we could back together again.

  • I start my relationships very slow and let them progress slowly over time. I feel it’s the best approach. There’s no need to jump in, ever, because if you take it slow and they end up being the one for you, you will have a very long time to get to know them anyway (possibly your whole lives), and it’s easier to maintain all of your friendships if you don’t jump into something too quickly. And if they end up not being the one for you, it’s not like you jumped in and gave all of your emotions so quickly that you’ll be completely and utterly devastated. Yes, it will still hurt some, but you’ll get over it quicker and it’s not nearly as painful as breaking up with someone you’ve jumped into a serious relationship with. I always wonder why some people move in with their significant other within a matter of months, I personally feel it’s more fun to take things slow and just enjoy the ride! You can still love a person and be devoted to them without seeing them every single day, sharing a home with them, and getting married right away. If you’re young, space is important and can really help individuals focus on the most important person in their lives: themselves.

  • I’ve been with my current bf for almost 5 years (will be in the middle of aug), and we’ve broken up so many times.  But throughout all of that, I’ve never questioned whether he was the one for me or not – I knew he was.  At least I did for the past4.5 years…But i think with time came maturity and while I love him dearly still and can’t imagine life without him, I think that maybe he isn’t the one.  In fact, I think that I DO love him but we won’t work out – our personalities are too different.  but I’m too afraid to leave him because I have a fear of being alone.  I fear being alone for reasons that are somewhat related to my childhood.  And so now, I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a very very very hard place.I’ve read so many posts about break ups … but never a post specifically for long relationship break ups… made me think a lot .Very interesting post. 

  • @uadreamybabe - agree. most of the women i know move on with their lives and try to convince themselves and their former SO that they’re better off without them.

  • It all depends on whether or not you were the breaker or the breakee.  I have seen my friends end relationships of 2 years to 8 years.  All of them dealt with it differently depending on what the situation had been.  One still loved the guy but knew it had to end, she moved on by changing cities, jobs, meeting new people, but everyday was hard on her. Second one who still cared for the guy, is trying to live a normal life minus the guy’s presence, she is going through the phases of a break up.  Everytime she talks about it she starts getting teary.  Third one found someone else straight after and was relieved but then she was ready to end the relationship way before it ended. Lastly fourth one lost weight, did different things to distract herself and met new people.  Each person did different things and it was all dependent on the breakup, what the relationship had been like and what their partner was like at the end of the relationship.There is no one way to react to a breakup.  I believe as everyone is different, it will reflect how they will deal with it; depending on their own experience and personality.

  • breakups sux. being broken-up with = sux most. breaking up with someone = still sux. :)

  • All of the break ups I’ve gone through, I knew they were coming. I’m the type of person who always internally analyzes things when there seems to be upsets. I’ve had 2 long term relationships and the first one ended with relief. I felt free, finally. The second break up I felt… torn between hurt and relief. I had one major cry and the next morning I decided that I had to move forward.It’s much easier to move on when you never see the person as well.

  • when i had my last break up i was a 19, it was the only hard one ive been through. i cried a lot then i serial dated, that temporarily relieved the heartache but you’re right i didn’t completely get over him till i fell head over heels for my S.O. it really is useless to sulk over the break up. i listen to some “girl power” pop songs, “the world revolves around me-little jackie”,”so what-pink”i reconnect with old friends, too. leaning on your family through that helps a lot too@wonderland7386 - nice. usually it would be hard for people to make a serious change in their life (like a break up)before a big test and and not affect the results negatively. glad to hear

  • Well my relationship before this one lasted over a year, and I broke it off because my heart just wasn’t in it anymore. It was even hard then because I knew we were so close and I knew a lot of things would change. Now this one, on the other hand. I would be devastated if it ended. We share all of the same friends, we spend soo much time together, and he knows everything there is to know about me. If I lost that, well, I just don’t know what I’d do with myself and I know I’d feel like a big piece of me was missing.

  • I think with breakups it really kinda depends on the person and how much you care about the person you were with. Ive only taken a breakup hard once, because i truely loved the guy i was with. I did exactly what you said up there to get over it. I distracted myself and tried to totally forget it ever happened:P

  • I have to agree with Janieishme honestly. I havent had many relationships i my brief time in the dating circle. But honestly, I do think it’s easier to deal with it if your the one doing ending the relationship. Out of all of my relationships, only one truely bothered me, and it was the only one where I didnt end it. For me, it wasnt really a big deal, any of the breakups. I took like a year off the dating scene each time to just go “eh whatever” and hang out with what few friends I had. I didnt go on a bunch of dates to ‘get back’ at that one guy and I didnt honestly didnt flirt alot. My only mistake was getting back with the guy when I saw that it wouldnt work out, but in the end I broke up with him again, only this time it was me breaknig up. Maybe Im shallow to only be bothered when Im not the one doing it, but honestly Im not really gonig to bother with it now, im in a wonderful relationship I can actually see gonig places.

  • I am still currently getting over a break up even three years after the fact to someone I was with for six years. It takes a lot  of patience and acceptance. 

  • go out with the bestfriends. fuck the dude. im gna party . (;

  • everyone has their own way. i know at times it can seem like there is nothing you can do, but in truth you must try and stay positive, if you try and keep a smile on your face and do things you enjoy without dwelling on it, things slowly but surely start to get rosier. Different ways but in the end they are mendable :)

  • Unfortunantly, I’m the kind of girl who doesn’t care. Well, so far.Actually, I’m AFRAID to get a long relationship because I’m not sure how I’d react if we split. I tend to be the one who doesn’t take the chance for too long. After 2 or 3 months, I start to question “Am I worth it?” “He’s so much better than me..His girl friends are prettier and taller than me..Why would he want me anyway?”….Etc.etc..and I end up saying, “I feel like we’re better off friends”It’s a never ending cycle that I’m trying to break. I’m 18, but look like I’m 15, (because I’m small and just look 15) so it takes a toll on my confidence a lot.I need to change my way of thinking, don’t I? =/

  • My boyfriend of 4.5 years broke up with me two months ago, and I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to move on.  I still have strong feelings for people I was in love with a 7-10 years ago.  Once that love forms, it almost never leaves.  If I could get together with my ex-girlfriend (my first relationship from high school), I still would.  She will always hold a special place in my heart, but I genuinely thought my most recent ex was the one for me.  He was the only person I could really imagine myself growing old with.  It’s so hard not to be able to fight to get him back.  I’m doing my best to respect his decision, but I wish we could get back together.I have gotten over my abusive ex-fiance from many years ago, though.  I left him because I was honestly fearing for my life.  Good riddance to bad rubbish in that instance.  I don’t know what I ever saw in him.  I attribute most of the relationship to hormones and naivete.

  • Also, I tend to behave more like the men in your post after a breakup.  After I left that abusive jerk, I took up running, became a vegetarian, and lost 90 pounds.  Now after this recent breakup, I’ve been working out more often again (although I never stopped since the last time) and unintentionally lost 8 pounds in two months.  I have decided I might as well capitalize on that and go for the goal of getting my body fat percentage down far enough where I can see my abdominal muscles.

  • women were born to give love and take care others.  that’s why most of them still “love” and “care” to those jerks whom worth nothing.  Impossible to move on if not letting the past go….. 

  • Depends on how you break up I say. If he’s civil and talks to me and says he’s not feeling it anymore and wants his freedom I walk away. I might even block them entirely from my life BUT…if I caught him cheating, like i have with a few boyfriends you just freak out, anger  & rage and then wondering who this other girl is and why why why? And how they lied and then you scan the red flags and blame yourself for it…the pity and self loathing (this is the worst) those break ups are the worst. I turn into a zombie, i don’t sleep and i dont eat…. i might walk for hours with a packet of cigs (and im not a smoker at all!) then i buy something pretty and lose more weight to show him what he’s missing….maybe i’ll distract myself with a guy…but you know what, its all hollow. Talkin to friends never helps in my opinion especially ones that have very good relationships and never been cheated on because they don’t get what pain your are going through. They actually make u feel MORE stupid because you were cheated on!I did have one relationship that ended and i didnt cry or anything because we both knew it was going nowhere. I turned to him and said “i need something more serious” he said “um i dont know…” the next day i woke up had breakfast and kiss him goodbye he said he’d call (i knew he wouldnt and hoped he’d leave me alone) …he called two weeks later and i never picked up…the end. Haha my friends still laugh about that.

  • @explosive - your post sounds so similar to what i’m dealing w now. we haven’t been engaged, but have been dating for just about 5 years. and now he wants to move on. it’s nice to hear i’m not the only person struggling w something like this. i didn’t know we had any problems currently, so perhaps we’ve been spending all 5 yrs like this. we’re very different, but i always thought that’s what complimented our relationship. 

  • uumm..retail therapy….comfort food…. lots of crying….Then meds from shrinks…. verbal therapy from pros and friends. Self reflection, and being mad at myself for being so stupid. That’s the short summary hahahaa

  • Great post. I havent checked xanga for years.Im going thru what you call a long term rship break up and I am utterly devastated. The fact that i know we had alot of problems where we could compromise, when one doesnt want to do it anymore, your fooling yourself in trying to continue. It’s strange, logically i know we had alot of differences and its better to just stay friends and move on, but i cant help but emotionally feel like Ive lost a whole chuck of love. Love and Emotions while its a beautiful thing, can also be a terrible and hatred experience,a la romeo and Juliet. I have gone to seen my therapist, have had my palm and zodiac sign read, gone on spiritual and soul searching walks, a hell a lot of praying and wisdom searching but still the pain still doesnt go away. Time is how everything will heal, that and the meeting of someone new you can connect with.This time tho, from my mum advice by getting a chinese pyshic reader read my future, Im sticking to chinese zodiac signs that match me! ha!Lovely to hear ur engaged! All the best!

  • You are mostly correct. me on the other hand, at first i’m all sad and such..but then i try to better myself and surround myself with friends and play video games a lot. lol thats how i cope. :]

  • When my long term relationship ended, I was not really that depressed. I realized that I didn’t want to marry him then, so I wouldn’t in a few years when it was kind of projected to happen (if we continued). Realizing that I had the power to leave that relationship and continue on to make my own decisions and really spend time getting to know “me” again was actually really invigorating. I studied a lot more for school and spent a lot more time investing into friends. I mean, I was sad I didn’t have someone to talk to late at night, but we really ended on good terms. I guess I’m lucky.

  • Came across ur page and found this topic intriguing so I decided to leave a comment. “How do you deal with those breakups?”Can’t cope with it. As time elapses, u think u can forget it but like a film strip, it replays in ur mind. Even after many times telling yourself not to think abt the person or the event that happened, u still dwell over it. Everyone says “time” will mend the pain. Mental pain manifests into physical pain just hearing their voice, or their name brought up in a conversation–it just kills u. That sudden pause the moment u are reminded of them, ur entire body becomes paralyzed and u lose concentration on what’s around u; nothing else applies to u. Standing there helplessly when ur friends mention abt him, u start to tear up and cry. That nightmare can never seem to go away, especially knowing that you’re still wide awake…-Lilianne La

  • Breakups are one of the hardest things in life to go through. Whether your the dumper or the dumpee.. you have to change your entire lifestyle.. your so used to being with this one person that when they’r suddelny stripped from you, you have all this free time on your hands. Of course hanging out with friends and trying to keep busy helps, but that can only do so much. You are still left with a hollow feeling, a hole in you heart that never seems to fade unless you find someone else to fill it. Also,Too much free time to think about how or why things went sour. I drive myself crazy. My first boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me. We break up all the time and get back together. I know hes not the one for me and that theres an “expiration date” on us.. but i just cant leave him. I cant seem to find another man to take me away from him.. no matter how immature, wrong, or selfish that sounds. He took my virginity and we live together. When im not with him, my whole world stops. Im dependent on his friendship and i cant seem to throw away our memories so easily.  When its good, its great.. but when its bad.. its horrible. I often feel like im stuck… and as crazy as this sounds.. i sometimes wish he would cheat on me.. so i could have the strength to stay away from him.Sometimes, i truly believe relationships are not worth the pain and heartache. Unless you get lucky and find someone who you truly have a deep connection and understanding with, you’ll probably feel the burn from a breakup sooner or later.. which more often than not.. just plain isnt worth it in the end.

  • Two good friends of mine ended their 2 year relationship back in November of 09. The girl has had 3 boyfriends since, while the guy still struggles to move on. Seeing this has made me realize just how invested a guy can be in a relationship, often times more than the girl is. They say that the reason is because guys see their partner as the one they choose to connect with while girls have closer relationships with their girls and their family.Everyone has their own way of comforting themselves. I just try to be around my friends as often as I can and remember that like you said, every end starts a new beginning.

  • Dealing with my last break up hasn’t been easy for me. I found out the person had lied to me thousands of times about very important things.It effected every aspect of my life in so many ways. So I now have trust issues. And won’t give anyone else a chance. I wish I could be different, but I am too sensitive a person to ever go through anything like this again, so I don’t date at all because it seems futile. Likely, I am just depressed and bitter.

  • that is the risk when it comes to becoming an item, the risk of wasting time. while at first in the early stages both parties are concerned with stepping on each other’s toes and everything is new. the first kiss, first time he holds your hand, first time he meets your friends and family..slowly you see each other for their true colors. i’ve never been in a long term relationship, firstly because i’ve seen the amount of hurt friends of mine girls and guys go through. secondly, you sort of know. during those first 2 or 3 dates whether can you see this guy/girl that’s seating in front of you in your future. is this person motivated, caring, does he, she compliment you, are do you feel when you guys are together? maybe, i’m naive or just realistic. but Jigg i agree with you, when you know the relationship isn’t going to work don’t be afraid to go separate ways.

  • I dealt with it by basically picking up a lot more hours at work, reading fiction books, keeping busy, & not staying by myself a whole lot. I’d been with the guy for a while & we’d actually broken up once before. After we broke up he tried to get back together & I can’t say I don’t have feelings left for him because we were together for a long time but I can’t put myself in that place again to have the same damn thing happpen & get my heart broke or w/e the same way again.

  • i don’t know much about breakups or relationships, but i liked what i read.

  • I agree that if you don’t *know* the person is “the one” after a while, he/she is not the one. I can’t even tell you how many people from my high school dated somebody for 5, 6, 7, even 10 years, then broke up. THEN one of them, usually the guy, got together with somebody else and got married after like a year, year and a half. It’s just the way things are – you know or you don’t.

  • I used to be the girl who got all depressed and cried all the time, but I think I’m finally growing up.  I was just broken up with the day before our 6 month anniversary and even though I’m still trying to deal with it, I think I’m handling it a lot better than I used to.  I had about 2 days of heartbreak where I tried to rationalize and figure it out, and I was unable to eat – I felt physically sick and emotionally numb.  But now I’ve chosen to focus on myself and try to improve myself.  I’m doing a lot of reading, some writing, and just focusing on trying to find a better job.

  • I see you already have a lot of comments and opinions. I just wanted to say I found your blog interesting. I cant say i have a lot of experiance with long relationships when the only man i had one with is my husband now. But with all the people i know who has and i have looked at their relationships and just amazed at how or why they are in them and sometimes i see people who seem happy and perfect but no relationship is they are just hiding it good and keeping it behind doors lol Relationships are hard no matter what kind it is, it takes work, patients, humilaty and communication. Its a two way street and when people choose not to pull their own weight the other one takes the load and when it breaks they are the ones that hurts the most.

  • Kudos x 1000 for your simple simple reasoning that I myself have come to in the last year. And you know the thing that BOTH sexes have in common? Neither one will admit they should break up with somoene unless something goes extremely wrong. Even if they know there are *glaring faults, or a lot of pieces of their puzzle missing (passion, communication, etc) they’ll still date them because “but… I’m happy so why shouldn’t I?”It’s harder to break up with someone becuase they’re simply not right for you than to wait until you are stuck miserable with no other choice.People string themselves along into thinking their SO is the right one when really they blind themselves and waste their own time. And it’s that hardest thing trying to convince people to break out of that comfort zone to finally do something for themselves.

  • “We all know everyone eventually moves on, but it’s interesting how we go about it. Obviously, time is the key, but I don’t think we truly move on until we find another person we want to be committed to.”Its funny you would say this because this is exactly how I feel. I came out of a high school sweetheart relationship. I went out with the guy for four years. He was my neighbour and best friend since I was in elemetary school. I remember when we broke up I truly felt hopeless. We were the perfect couple and I couldnt figure out what happened. I think once you stop blaming yourself and start realizing maybe the love just wasnt the same anymore yu can start healing. For me I spent a long year crying and heartbroken finding many willing guys to have little flings with but when I couldnt bare to date any of them because of the hope me and my ex would get back together and wasn’t willing to give out they left. Finally I found the guy who somehow kept my mind off of him.But even though I am happy in this new relationship I still cry for my ex from time to time. The man who was my first boyfriend first date and first kiss  Noone is invincible to a broken heart but we are all built will the strength to grow and learn form our experiances. The key is to stop trying to forget and to move on because thats not gonna happen. Realize it was or was not a great relationship but its over now. Once you do it will get easier. Take it from me :)

  • I’m kind of going through a break with my long term boyfriend, and I’m stuggling with it just because I know that we are meant to be together, but situations in both of our lives just aren’t the best right now. I often find myself trying to keep myself busy and not thinking about him, or what is happening in our relationship. I’m trying to gain a different kind of lifestyle as well. Just changing things in hopes that I will become a better person and if our relationship doesn’t work out then I will have the confidence to move on to other people.It’s hard though, but everyone has to deal with their break up’s in different ways, as long as the grieving process does not go on for too long.

  • Well, i was in a relationship for 2 1/2 years with a guy who basically treated me like shit.  I never left him cuz i “loved” him.  I knew all the shit that he did behind my back, but it was really hard to let go cuz I was 15 when i started going out with him and he was the only guy that I had been with in a serious relationship.  but the time came when I just didnt wanna live that life anymore.  i broke up with him and it was hard i was constantly drinking and doing drugs; i also did poetry, but it wasn’t enough, until i met the love of my life (the person im with now)  he helped me deal with it through communication.  I never had  anyone to talk to until he came along.  so yeah there are many way in dealing with it, but the best way is to communicate.  Don’t depend on drugs to get u out of a hell hole it would just sink u in deeper.  :)  

  • i agree with what you said about how men and women deal with break ups. and as usual, women are more emotional. it all really comes down to the person though, and the relationship itself. if the break up was a long time coming, then i wouldnt spend time crying or wondering. if the break up was sudden, then, unfortunately, i was hide in my room for a day. as we grow older and hopefully wiser, we change the way we deal. :)

  • I’ve been in several breakups, most of them is because of long distance relationship. LDR never seemed to work for me. It happened several times that the guy was here, we started dating but after some period of time they had to leave the country and we never managed to have good communication. But there was one relationship where a lot of fights were involved. I finally ended it but I still talk to my ex, even till now. Truth to tell, it’s never easy for me to be out of the rebound and I AGREE with you, till I find someone who fits me, can I then forget the past and start a new beginning. I don’t usually cry after the breakups, but I did go to talk to my close friend and pampered myself, it helped me a lot.I am currently in a LDR (again), it’s been 6 months now, I am in Asia country and he’s in DC. We always trade emails back and forth and he calls at least once a week. It is tough, to be frank, however I think I’ve found someone whom I think is for me, and he feels the same way too that we both always manage to have good communication. Still, nothing is perfect, sometimes I feel he is less attentive when he gets too busy with work and I thought why bother to be in a relationship if we don’t even get to see each other, but I always ended up coming back to him. Somehow I think I love him more than he does to me, but learning from the past experience I know this time things will work out.

  • This was a great entry… defintely could read more about it in a future entry.

  • Great blog. I can definitely relate to you… -When I get messages and confrontations about people who have just broken up with someone/are interested in someone/have been getting mixed signals  with someone (you name it & which happens often) they always, always want me to tell them that blurry answer. Which is blurry for a reason. I really appreciate the fact that they even bother to come to ME for answers and advice, but I really don’t see the point in advice sometimes. Maybe we’re all just indecisive to some general point. 

  • Most people don’t realize all you need is friends and atleast one with benefits.  They’ll even argue about stuff like security and having something when you grow old… that’s why you need friends!  Way too many people stop hanging out with their old buddies when they get into a relationship.

  • well my friends just broke up after 10 years of being together but they are doing fine. they are happier with each other and it was no suprise to mei just got out of 3 year relationship. at first i was hurt and upset and then a month later, i moved on and met many great girls afterwards. now i’m just talking to one. i guess the way i dealed with it was ‘accepting’ its over and giving it my all. she was a complete bitch so it helped me to move on :)

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  • I have never been in a real long-term relationship. I guess I’m still too young, I haven’t had all that much time, but the one time when I thought that I Really loved the person, was when we were together for over a year. I was the one that did the really stupid mistake, and I was responsible for ruining our friendship, but in the end, he was the one that said the final words and dumped me, no matter how much I pleaded him to forgive me. The first week was hard, I was staying inside, regretting what I had done, but soon after that, I decided to just be thankful for what we had had and continued hanging out with friends, both boys and girls.. Like always. He, on the other hand, still to this day (it’s been a year) can’t find a person who he would be able to talk closely with and commit to, and he still has trouble with his nerves when he sees me. I guess our relationship must have meant a lot to him, even though he refused to continue it.

  • i rec’d your post about last week, before my boyfriend broke up with me, because it really touched me and i felt like i would need to read this again soon.now, looking at this post from a recently single point of view, i saw the line where it said we couldn’t truly move on until we found someone new to be committed to.is that how we move on? i don’t think it should be.

  • @imgoingto____FLY_x -  You’re right that it’s not how it should be, but I think that’s the reality of it. We never know for sure we’ve moved on until someone else comes along and sweeps us off our feet. Even when we think we’re okay, you just never know for sure.-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  • Wow, that’s exactly how i am.  I try to improve myself, to let them see what they are missing.

  • Hi Jigg. I just found your blog by accident. What you wrote spoke a lot to me. I’ve gone through two long term relationships (both 4 years). It’s nice to read how others analyze love. For such a short word, it can change someone’s life completely. Keep writing!

  • personally, the moment i break up…anything i have gotten as a gift or they purchased (I try to make sure that it is to a minimum), i get rid of them. Then I just forget about that relationship. I went out with someone for four years, when we broke up…my friends and family thought it was weird that I didn’t cry or spend time lamenting over the break up…I just don’t see the point of that…Why dwell on the past? we tried…it didn’t work…move on…

  • “long” does not mean it has no end. it has to end, this way or the other.that’s why we have starts with goodbye :)

  • Cry and then move on.

  • @explosive - Sometimes the hardest part is letting Go, and sometimes we hold on to the wrong and keep ourselves from getting the mate that is truly destined for us. I was in a relationship going on 5 yrs and i didn’t want to see it end, couldn’t fathom being without him, especially after i put my blood, sweat tears in it, but eventually i got tired of fighting by myself, he would get right for a few months and go back to being a lil boy, when i needed a man, he just couldn’t get it right it was the hardest thing i EVER had to do, yet the best thing i could have ever done for myself, and i aint gonna lie, it still hurts till this day, but i had to forget what i wanted and think about what i deserved; and when i think about all the bs i had to deal with a say to hell with it and keep it trucking..i have to continuously remind myself, he just couldn’t get it right, after the million chances i gave him…You have to ask yourself would you completely be happy if he married you today, with things still being the way they are now? after all if a person love you enough they will try and change.

  • Hi!I am Ms Minnie how are you! hope you are fine and in perfect condition of health over there.I went through your profile and i read it and also took interest in it,please write back to me on this ID: (minebaby1@live.com) I will be waiting for your mail because i have something VERY important to tell you.lots of love Minnie.                      minebaby1@live.com

  • The world is full of people who claim they want a good relationship but they spent 0 time learning the science and art of powerful relationships, end up writing break up feels like stories. its just amazing why would one not have a wake up call after any kind of break up in life, to study whats missing, what they need to learn for the next time. But its seams so true that most people will spent their entire life as if they have one saved in some kind of bank.Love Abdul

  • I share your sentiments.  The fighting is over.  We didn’t fight; we just couldn’t find acceptable compromises on any of our big issues (what church to attend, where we’d live, how many kids we wanted, etc.).  We could communicate really well and express our respective positions, but never reach any decisions.  We’d dated nine months, loved each other intensely and had been discussing marriage for most of our time together, but neither of us was feeling peace in trying to resolve these things.  So it was a mutual breakup.  I still love her and always will care for her.  But I’m glad to finally have a decision made and be able to move on.  I’m dealing with it by spending time with friends I’d been neglecting while I was dating.

  • It depends on the individuals really as to how they deal with breakups.I know for myself I’ve been through many different things, I’ve done the whole cry, smoke, and lock myself away thing.I’ve also done the whole get fit, go party, and flirt a lot thing too.It depends on how deep the relationship was and how the breakup happened.In general, I find talking it out and just getting it off your chest and hearing someone else’s opinion can help answer the unanswered questions floating in your head, even if they may not be the right answers, at least it may help bring you closer to closure and closer to getting over the pain.People can’t help but fall for the same trap of love and relationships even if it may 50/50 turn out to fail, because that feeling of being in love and with someone who cares for you is such a wonderful high, you can’t help but be addicted to it.But that’s just my 2cents to the whole thing I guess, I’m sure many people have views that oppose what I think.x

  • “but I don’t think we truly move on until we find another person we want to be committed to.”Ahh, but isn’t this the heart of the matter?Unfortunately, I think it is. Strong women really are able to pick themselves up and move past relationships with men that they realize were bad and no good. However, when it’s the breakup with a man who had potential but just went tragically wrong somewhere, they can move on out on the surface but really don’t, and perhaps can’t, move forward until they find someone else that makes them feel even more than the last person did. Perhaps it’s a sad truth, but I also think you’ve nailed the essence of it all right on the head there.

  • haha, I just wrote something like this! weird.

  • There’s no point in marriage.There’s no point in looking for people.

  • “I would rather not waste my time in a relationship that has an expiration date…” Well put, could not agree more.

  • you are completely accurate.  Every time when a friends call another out to talk, they want opinions and sympathy.  They want to have another solution to their misery of a breakup.  They tend to want someone to give them opinion about what to do and from these conversation, they learn the pros and cons of the relationship.  Therefore, when they begin another relationship, they would be smarter and be more cautions about their interaction with another.It is true that when you have second thoughts of should i still stay in this relationship or is this relationship even worth my time, it really does mean that you should move on.  I wasted four years of my dedication and time to this person but i live with no regrets because i learn from my experience.  I learned my needs and wants; i need someone to provide me their time and i want someone that can be there for me.  Finally, i found that one person and there is never a day that i am not grateful of his presences.  ‘Yeah, it sucks to experience a breakup but I always learn and become more knowledgeable about my relationships.  People need to experience these breakup in order to know their needs and wants.  I dont think i can date someone who never had a girlfriend before because I would become a teacher.

  • I think I felt a mix of everything…relief was in there too because I knew that ultimately it was the right thing to do even though it was probably one of the hardest things to do. But getting back on track was a major part of having a healthy “recovery” from the break-up..working out, eating better, and just going out and having a life again. Everyone’s going to deal with it differently but having support through it all is so key, whether it’s through friends, family, or a counselor/therapist.  

  • @WordsandThoughts - That is exactly how I feel!

  • I deal with my breakups just like those of men: I work out, I go out with people I haven’t seen in awhile, meet new people and just overrall trying to forget it. The only way you’re going to forget it is by keeping yourself busy and productive as time goes by. Take a couple of days to soak in the change and then do something about it!

  • @Ampersands_Anonymous - I cant agree with you enough. My ex saw it as that I moved on when I started going out for drinks and just having a good time until 2-3am… it was just my way of dealing with the break up. Excellent POV

  • I’ve always felt that when something ends, something new begins. All of these days, it’s the only thing I’m trying to hold on to.

  • maybe this is an unfair stereotype, but that was surprisingly insightful for a guy

  • Life’s tough enough as it is.  Move on.  If a girl hangs on she’s probably a masochist, intentional or not.  If you hold yourself in high regard you demonstrate that you know your self worth, you’d be able to get over the heartache faster.  I’m newly single, and always, the post-breakup is emotional but I just moved on after a couple weekso or so because I willed myself to.  You gotta not afraid of being alone.  The whole idea of lonliness, I think, is all a state of mind. I’m single but do not feel alone. I enjoy my solitude these days and have the freedom to do what I want.  Those days of crying over a guy for months on end…even for a year…are long gone.  I actually want to be happy.  And crying over a guy or girl (for you boys out there) is not the way to do it.

  • I am going through a painful break up right now..it’s good to learn from others’ stories…and knowing that it will get better with time…I am relearning to be by myself, and living my own life again…still waking up thinking about him and what happened every morning, just looking forward to the morning where I can wake up and feel peace, not pain.

  • I just wrote a post related to this topic.There is no easy way to coast through a breakup.The whole process of loosing someone you love is similar to coping with the death of someone close to you. It’s pure hell; and the most confusing time in someone’s life. Ok, now that I got rid of the obvious evils and truths attached to a breakup; I am going to write about what the real truth is that people going through the breakup finds no comfort in. One would think that during a really hard time; people would hold onto some kind of hope. Instead of looking forward to a better future or taking some time for ourselves during a breakup; sadly, most of us just end up turning into a hot mess. Below is the real truth about breakups. I wish they were easy to internalize during a breakup easier. I wish more people could take this advice, but it is hard to when your in so much pain. This is temporary.All of this gnawing, aching, emotional stuff doesn’t last forever. People always act, and feel like their life is over when they go through a breakup. In actuality, the pain suffered from a breakup is measured in months, and the “hot mess” disease usually disappears after week three. If you’re a hot mess more than three weeks, that means you have really crappy friends who didn’t check on you and make sure you weren’t eating stale cereal off the floor. The person doesn’t love you anymore in the way you love them.This is the toughest part to swallow, but living in denial and making excuses will only make your situation worse. No matter what the excuse is, they don’t love you as much as you love them period. They might have loved you, but obviously that love was stronger on your end. Here are a few examples of b.s excuses the “breaker upper” tries to use to make themselves feel better:“I still love you, I am just going through a lot right now with my family and job and ..I don’t know.”-Lie“I think if we just take sometime apart our relationship will be stronger later.”-Lie“You never paid attention to me and I never said anything because I didn’t think you care.”-Lie “It’s not you it’s me.”-Lie“I have a lot on my plate right now, and I just need to be alone in order to gather my thoughts.”-LieThose are all lies because when you are upset or going through something, you lean on the ones who love you the most. Whenever I am sick, I don’t instruct my boyfriend to not help me or make me some soup. People need to be honest if they want the person they are breaking up with to heal faster. Also, if someone blames problems in the relationship that they have never addressed as the reason for the breakup they are lying. No one waits until the break up day to address problems that have never been brought up. The bottom line is, in retrospect; that you should thank you lucky stars you didn’t stay in a relationship where the other person didn’t love you one moment longer. Humans have a shelf life, and I would rather be alone than with a liar. The more time people spend with people who don’t love them, is the more time they lose finding the people who will. The person for you is out there. There is someone who will love you just as much as you love them. To me, waiting a month, a year, or many years is worth the sacrifice of finding someone who loves you. You have learned a lot about what you want and yourself. After this experience you will have a new understanding of relationships,and what you want out of them. The next time around, it will be easier for you to recognize clues, and make it a point to express to someone what you really want. In the end, breakups suck and it is really hard to think as positive as you can while going through it. I still think everyone should try to think about uplifting things more when dealing with a breakup. Emotions should be expressed with a foundation and understanding of the reality of the situation.In a perfect world everyone would turn into programmed robots after a breakup to shut off their emotions.

  • I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and 3 months.. I had a dream that he had broken up with me.. I remember actually feeling heartbroken! I sat there and just stared off into space! I honestly have no idea what I would do without him.. He is amazing, he treats me so good! He even spoils me a little bit! He is the longest relationship I have ever had! I got over other breakups pretty easily! I was sad.. but nothing really big changed.. They weren’t such a huge part of my life.. we hadn’t gotten that serious.. Me and my boyfriend now live together.. I don’t see us ever ending! =) Only reason we haven’t gotten engaged yet is because we are pretty broke right now.. =(

  • Prayer do helps a lot anytime there is a breakup. Pray continually and move on. Just like the Japanese proverb says, “Fall seven times, stand up eight.“

  • I tend to cry a lot …because it made me feel a lot better.I then, I give it some time to just look back and see what I had done wrong…and always think positively and say to myself…. “this new girl might have provided something that I couldn’t..” And then, I wish him the best of luck in his future endeavors. Life goes on…it really does. Time will heal all wounds. Time is the essence. 

  • hey dreamer baby that´s life or age  no worries  i know its hurt but also if you think  about this  is because you cant understand   why? or  what happended ?( you gave all of you this is importand )  you dont  need  feel bad or confused  about this time is importand :) this is history now …maybe in the future you can continue maybe you dont want more maybe you have other relation who knows i dont like the word maybe but stop to think is past and live  your present  try to feel happy and forget  do your things   you can have your soulmate good luck.

  • i don’t know.  never been in a long term relationship to really deal with moving on.  actually, the longest was probably a little over a year, but he was a druggie and as much as i tried to break the relationship off, he kept vetoing my decision.  but once i was successful (thanks to my sister for putting him in his place), i moved on pretty quick.

  • I think whatever reason caused the breakup, it ultimately results in a void.  This void simply because what used to be there is no longer there, however the relationship was like.  Some fill it with distraction… like other people, hobbies, goals, etc and almost like an ADD person… moves on without much of the pain.  Others hold onto the precious memories and what the relationship meant, not because they don’t accept the change, but because it was a cherished part of themselves that is no longer there.  Its healthy to allow the grieving process to run its course.  Although it may take a little longer to heal, you lessen the subliminal scars and learn more about yourself.  I say… Kudos to those who grieve.. it shows ownership of the relationship and that you actually cared. ;D

  • i do agree people can be stubbrorn over who they are with in the beginning, yet again some wouldn’t mind until the time comes.

  • Just got out of a long term relationship myself couple weeks ago (almost 5 years, my ever first relationship actually), do feel really heartbreaking. Luckily, I am soooo busy with my current job, I don’t have to do anything to distract myself, but whenever I have free moments, I still cannot control myself to think about the past. I was trying to save the relationship and talked about it after the argument, that was the last time putting down my dignity to ask why the whole thing would end up like this. I never have thought I would act like this in front of a relationship. Anyway…after that I finally realized there’s nothing else that I can do. Cried for the whole night, the next day..work as usual and move on….. But I think it’s totally understandable why people want to talk about the situation with others………

  • This was a great read and I can relate to many of the comments. It doesn’t have to be a long relationship, just one that you had deepest connection with. I dated a guy for about 4 months and he was the one I opened up most to. When we broke up, I was devastated. It’s been a couple of years and I’m still trying to stop thinking about him. I go into those routines where I wake up feeling hopeful that I will move on, but there is always something that gets me back into square one. As a warning to people, do not get in a relationship with someone at work. I see him every day still and I think it is what’s keeping me from moving on. It hurts to know and see him move on (life without me) when i’m stuck on him. Definitely can use some advice on how to get over coworkers.

  • In four years I’m going to be just like you. Gotta love love. Hope everything works out. :D @explosive - 

  • I recently got dumped and all I can do is cry and blame myself for not being good enough..as for him..he’s doing great, he just works and chills with his friends like everything was back to normal..at least that’s what I’ve heard..I don’t understand how he can just go on and pretend it doesn’t affect him or anything..can someone shed some insight?

  • My longest relationship just ended a little over a year ago and I completely lost it.  I was on a rollar-coaster of emotions, one minute ok with it, the next angry as hell.  And yes, I talked everone’s ear off about it.  I’m not just talking my  best friend either, I mean anyone who would listen–mom, coworker, sandwich lady at subway–you pretty much get the picture.I don’t know why we do it, we just do.  It’s the human way to deal with things, to process things and let them go–we talk about it–a lot.

  •   I feel that when you meet someone and they don’t fully meet your specifications of what you really want, don’t think that you can mold that individual into someone who they are not already.  If you make that mistake you could find yourself locked into a world wind of lies and emotional misrepresentations looking for a way to end a relationship that should have never started.     There are many people locked into relationships all because they saw someone during a moment (a fun vacation, a cruise to an exotic island, a really good neighborhood party, e.t.c.) and because of the ambiance of the environment during that moment, felt that they should get involved with that someone.  When the ambiance of the environment was no longer there they began to search for reasons why they should continue to be involved.  The examination of the persons real character began, and this took as long as a few weeks to a few months, although this examination revealed character flaws which were in conflict, one or both of the people decided that it’s something that really did not matter that much because it was something that they could change. The days to mold this person became months and months became years, but the relationship continued on, waiting for the day in which one would finally realize they can’t change the other and therefore must move on, by this time the investment in what each other felt would last forever, outweighs the cost of throwing the towel in and both become stuck living a lie and wondering what to do.                   

  • @uadreamybabe - have to agree w/this point.I’ve done both: cry all night so next day my eyes are non-existent and then signed up for a gym and got a personal trainer. Girls don’t just have the victim mentality, we also have a sprinkle of testosterone that kicks in sometimes that make us really strong, strong enough to ignore that phone call or text from mr. jerkface.

  • @bitter_ends - i don’t think anyone CAN shed light on this. My advice: don’t try to understand. Honestly, a lot of headaches in life start w/trying to understand ppl. Sometimes u just can’t. Just accept that that’s the way they are. 

  • Sometimes it’s not something you want to hear at the time. “They just weren’t the one for you.” I didn’t want to hear. Not coming from her to me. Or from family and friends to me. Because it’s a terrible feeling when you are the receiving end of a breakup and you thought they were the one for you.But I’m figuring it out myself and moving on and forward. Because what if everyone is right and she wasn’t the one for me? I don’t want to miss out on the one that is.

  • Breaking up is hard work. All that bickering to get to the breaking point? Ahhh…. to hell with it! I married a guy that I barely knew, just cause I felt he is the one. He still is after all these years.

  • i just recently ended a 9.5-year long relationship and i thought we ended on good terms as it was a very rational decision – i thought we loved each other so much but at the same time keep hurting each other n upsets each other, so it was obvious that we wouldnt have a future. honestly ever since a year into this relationship i’ve always thought this was the one and i’d marry him, so it was hard to get over it even tho it was rational…… until i found out that in less than a week he was ready to go after another girl who he had never even met in real life (friend of one of our common friends).  there was something fishy between them before we broke up and i confronted him and he never admitted it… he just said she was his “guy pal”. and i was stupid enough to believe him instead of my gut instinct. after i’ve found out what they felt for each other n him totally ready to go after her, i confronted him again (in tears, crazy mode) and his words of reality slapped me across the face and made me completely awake. those were harsh words that i dont even want to repeat, but after that the pain stopped. it all made sense. i could finally move on. it wasn’t what i thought we were (that we still loved each other but just couldnt work out) – the fact was he was already into another girl. that was one big reason why the break up happened in such a smooth way (when i proposed the break up he agreed RIGHT AWAY). he even prepped it so that people will think he’s the victim, that way he can protect that girl while shoving me out to be stabbed by all others.reality always hurts, but it helps moving on.

  • I don’t know but your entry is going to cause alot of breakups.

  • Thankfully, I’ve only had to deal with one and I guess it hurt me a little since I did love him but in the end, it was the best thing that ever happened. Our relationship was a learning experience and one of the biggest things I learned is that people change. They don’t stay that sweet heart that you first met…they grow and show their true colors.

  • All I can say is:….When you meet the right person, let LOVE, PATIENCE, COMPROMISE and Forgiveness be abundant NOBODY is perfect and Dont expect people to be if you are not!

  • I cry for a whole week, then hide all the shit inside me..and then i start to help all my friends with their problems, so they dont end up like me -.- and yeh after my breakup…i made a blog..it helps, getting out all the fucking crap out http://littlelostblacksheep.xanga.com/

  • I was in almost a 4 year relationship before the summer and i broke up with him. It was probably one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to do, but i had been feeling that way for almost a year. I too felt a relief as to where he didn’t. That was the first time i broke things off with someone, in the past everyone has broken my heart.

  • After my relationship of three and a half years ended, I tried to use another guy to help me get over my boyfriend. Didn’t work; I ended up falling for the other guy. I feel like I’ve been perpetually caught in bad romances since I was like fifteen. -__-

  • Sup Jigg. I usually analyze the situation. I question myself, “What did I do wrong, or what did she do wrong?” and then in the same sense, I try to find what I’ve learned from that relationship. “What is something that I did not see in her?” or ” what qualities to seek in the next girl.” Like you have mentioned, I am like most guys. I try to improve on my image by hitting the gym more or doing extracurricular activities.I am currently engaged, and due for marriage at the end of the year. Every step of the way, has been a lot of trouble. I use to be certain that she is the one, but now I second guess myself. We have conflicts, but to a larger degree compared to the previous 3 years of our relationship. I wonder if every couple go through such a hell hole before marriage? Perhaps it’s normal, or perhaps it’s a sign for me to get out.

  • I have been on both sides of the break-up. My experiences were not like your typical male/female reaction.When I broke up with my serious, long-term boyfriend (because my plans and his did not match/he wouldn’t even consider marriage for at least 5 more years, he was already in his 30s – why would I stay in a relationship that has basically nowhere to grow??) he was completely destroyed. I broke up with him face to face, despite the fact that I had to drive an hour and half to see him. I told him before getting there that I had something to talk to him about so he wouldn’t be completely taken aback. I broke up with him face to face, answered his “why” questions honestly, and left. He chased me. He called non-stop. I did not answer until the 4th day of it, and then it was just to say I was sorry but it was over, and warn him not to call anymore, that I would consider it harassment. I had to be hard, despite the fact that it hurt me that he was so hurt. But when you break up, you better mean it, and no toying around with the other party – it wastes everyone’s time.He quit his job. His mother had to start paying his mortgage. He told everyone that I destroyed his life. All of this made me breathe a sigh of relief! Wow, if that was his reaction..he is not the kind of guy I wanted anyway!There is another guy at my husband’s job acting the same way, although he can’t quit his job because he’s in the military. I want to take him aside and give him a good shaking and tell him “stop acting like a loser. If you think acting like that will make her want you back, dude, she will only think you’re a loser. MAN UP and MOVE ON.” And when my boyfriend broke up with me, well I was sad about it yes. But would I have ever stooped to calling him back? Nope. I think it shows a lack of respect for yourself to even want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, or simply doesn’t take you seriously.And for all of you who are not sure if you’re in a healthy relationship and you are back and forth in your desire to be together – get out before there are kids involved. If you question it, then stop having sex. Maybe that will clear things in your mind. That’s another thing, sex makes people feel bonded who aren’t naturally suited. It will eventually erode but hopefully, other lives aren’t destroyed in the process.

  • @Quest350Z - have you gone to marriage or couple’s counselling? That would help your indecision tremendously. Don’t take that step if you aren’t sure. An outsider can often help you see past pride, experience, etc – and see the truth of the relationship.Plus a therapist is way cheaper than paying for a wedding you aren’t sure you want – and possibly ending up with kids, mortgages, and divorce.

  • Sorry to the author – I’m coming off as a know-it-all. Not my intention. Good post. It got me writing.

  • @OakcrestGirl - Brokeness might not have a lot to do with marriage. When my husband and I married we did not do the ring ceremony (although you can get simple rings for less than 100). My dress was about 80, he wore his military blues, and we got married in a chapel, with just our immediate family. That was free. The marriage license was expensive at 180. My mom insisted on throwing a small reception after, and she bought a cake at a grocery store, and a simple bouquet. It was simple. It was perfect for us. My brother-in-law took pictures. All in all, it cost us around 260. and my mom spent maybe another 100. We stayed one night in a beautiful hotel lodge, the stuff fantasies are made of. Another tip there is to tell them you are on your honeymoon – they gave us free champagne, chocolates, flowers, and shells to remember the occasion (we lived at the beach).It does not take a large elaborate wedding to make a marriage. I’m sure you know that already – it’s just that your excuse is not really logical.

  • @sarahsmurfette - No apologies needed.  Respond to as many comments as you wish.  I’m glad it can open up discussions.-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  • From a guy’s perspective, I looked at the the things that were working in my life at that time and reinforced those areas, letting time heal the parts that were in shambles. Yes talking to a few good friends makes for a better recovery. Internalizing your pain will only plant a seed that will take root (some roots go deeper than we would like to admit) and pop out later when you least expect them to. 

  • I overthink the whole relationship and how it ended. I don’t eat, drink or sleep. I don’t have any energy and am sad the whole time. I don’t necessarily cry, I just feel kind of lethargic. But this is only the case when I really felt like he could be the one. This has actually only happened to me once. I did get over it pretty quickly. It took me 2 or 3 weeks I think. Eventually I get to a point where I realize like this is it. It’s over. We broke up and there’s nothing I can do about it, I have to move on. And that’s where I get myself back together again and find more interesting stuff to think about and to do.

  • I think like most people, I tried improving my self image and personality for the better. I suppose it’s a selfish thing to do… I suppose I’m trying to make myself feel better by somehow making it obvious to the world that “he” missed out on me. That is probably the worst way … to get over someone… since it sounds to bitter. But . . . time eventually heals all wounds. Just have lots of supportive friends to hang out with and realize that you can be independent and not rely on that one single person in your life and it should be a lot easier… but usually independence is hard to achieve when in a relationship. : (

  • Well said!  I broek my with my ex b/c I dont even see a future in us anymore.  The moment it irked me to even see or mention him, I know the relationship is going ot end.  Like you said, why bother wasting your time when you can use it in somewhere else.I am thankful though, that I no longer have people calling me about their lvoe problems.  I spent wayy too many late nites listening to guys about their sad love stories in college that I think I could have use it in better use.  And even after all those chats,  I havent talked to any of them since college.  Life goes on I supposed.

  • I find myself getting over a painful breakup currently…The first time I hadn’t actually broke it off.  Honestly, it hit me like a freight train **excuse the cliche but that’s how it felt in my heart**I am dealing by working out my mind, body and spirituality through reading, exercising and prayer.It’s a tough situation for  me because I thought I’d finally found the one who I was to spend my forever with.  I  never really believed in marriage before him and although I refuse to become a skeptic, I am doubtful of the existence of a successful relationship.  With time I shall regain my passion for love…I’m assuming… 

  • Time will cure any scar and let you forget them…go ahead! Funny Picture    Enjoy it!

  • My first and ever relationship lasted for a few years. I genuniely thought there would be a future between us. But looking back now, I seem incredibly naive and dumb.However I still don’t seem to be able to move on, even though we rarely speak to each other, I still think of him a lot. I do try and move on and would like to badly but it’s easier to say than do.I’m not too sure whether time is the key because it has been 3 years now since we broke up yet my feelings remain so strong towards him.I’m not upset anymore though, I enjoy life a lot and the attention I recieve from a lot of people, but I’d rather be single and have no flings.When you’re in a relationship.. often from the very start you don’t think whether there would be an expiration date right? You just enjoy the process.. and it becomes part of your life story, a piece of memory…I have no idea how to move on.. but I hope time is the key like you have mentioned.

  • keep busy…work out, read, study, work, ect…

  • It all involves time I guess… there’ll be a time (however brief, or an eternity) where one would be sad, but then there should be a point where you can say “ONWARD!” and be awesome and stuff and whatever but anyways… I duno. the memories during that long term relationship will stick whether one likes it or not, gets triggered by a song or a scent or a certain food you order at a restaurant etc etc… all part of what makes you who you are by the time you’re on your death bed and looking back, just thinking thousands of thoughts… was it worth it? wasn’t that one time fucking awesome? if it weren’t for this, i wouldn’t have done that etc etc etc. 8 D

  • @jigg - what if one finally moved on…  when that person can honestly say they dont feel the same way anymore…is there a chance that the feelings might come back?

  • Like your posting, even to now, I don’t know the answer. 

  • I just think this whole mentality of it’s better being with someone (even though that someone is really bad for you) than being alone. It’s time to rip that thinking apart into little bitty pieces. It can be hard but it will work out in the long run. You have to protect your heart from people who could care less.I am currently trying to get back together with this guy who wants us to have this sort of trial period. I was so foolish to believe that this will actually work. Why not? Well right now I am having second thoughts. Why do I want to wait around for him to decide? I am not putting my social life in his hands. I am not giving him any power over me. Though there’s this other guy at work who I think has this crush on me. It’s driving me crazy over what to do.I seriously think life is simpler than we gave it credit for. It’s our dramas that complicate our lives. Put a stop to it however we can. Just love yourself. ♥

  • hmm interesting.. I find it true about expiration date. I think some knows but they just see how it goes if its meant to be its meant to be. If not then that’s life. People got to learn to accept and let go if they breakup. It will be hard to deal with later but in the long run we all have to experience pain to be able to cherish our true love in the end. 

  • My boyfriend and I just broke up after seven months. Long story, but it was my fault. I miss him. Alot. And I wish he would talk to me, but he lives in Ohio and I live in Tennessee… that’s not happening alot. I wish I could get him back. </3

  • Nice blog. I have noticed there are a lot of breakups this year, including my own, who I was supposed to marry in 2 months. The reason I even made a Xanga acct was to write about it. I agree about how you describe how a man & woman tend to move on. I’ve done it both ways, and I’ve realized that, no matter how hard it is, it’s best to do both. Move on to things more positive and to keep myself distracted in a healthy way. Distractions help me to not think about the person and eventually move on. 

  • well, i have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months now and before that we broke up TWICE!The first time one of my friends hooked us up and we went to a dance together, it was really awkward and i ended it a week later. The next time was a few months later, for some reason I just couldn’t stop thinking about him. I actually had dreams about him! So I thought perhaps I was wrong to dump him so fast. We went out for 3 months and he wanted to take it faster than I felt ready for so I ended it again so that I wouldn’t have to keep dodging his advances. After a whole summer I realized that I was afraid of commitment and jumping into a relationship with two feet. Yes, it does happen to girls, but I realized that he still treated me like a gentleman should and even put up with my craziness. Once school started we had the same classes, I couldn’t stop thinking about the mistakes I made and I saw that he was watching me during class sometimes, which surprised me because I figured he would think I was a total b*tch by now for dumping him twice. But I braced myself and went up to him and started talking. It started as a friendship and then we just…happened. I love him, to this day, for loving me unconditionally and I love him because he turned out to be exactly what I wanted and needed.So sometimes break-ups aren’t break-ups. They’re just times where one has to heal and realize what they want or deserve in life. That’s how it was for me.

  • It depends on the situation and the person.  There have been relationships where I chose to just ignore the other party until I was ready to speak with them.There were other times where I try my hardest to fight for it.  I guess I would be the type to want to talk it out with friends to find out what went wrong. I tend to do that when I feel like I haven’t given it my all.  But once I feel like I’ve tried everything on my part and it still doesn’t work, I move on (whether I want to or not).  I don’t like looking back and have thoughts of “what if?” and I hate having the feeling of an unresolved issue. I’ve experienced that before and told myself that I’d do my best to resolve things when it’s current instead of having moments of regret later.

  • Very well written, and I agree with every bit of it. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and, like you, was left with a great sense of relief. With this newfound freedom, I started going out with my friends more, concentrated on getting my grades up, worked out more regularly, and pretty much focused more on myself since I no longer had anyone else to worry about. However, after about a month as a single gal, I started to miss having someone to cuddle with, to talk to late at night, to be there just to be there. I don’t necessarily miss my ex (because I know for SURE he and I are not a good match at all), but I do miss the idea of having a boyfriend. Then again, I was with the guy for two years, so it’s most likely going to take more than a month to get used to being independent again, eh? C’est la vie!

  • I am only a teenager so in my everyday life most people are crying about relationships that have only lasted a few months or a year tops. They don’t realize what is to come of them and all the more heartbreaks they must go through. I myself went through pain two years ago, I was pushed once and mentally abused everyday. But yet I kept coming back…why? I thought it was love but that sounds more like a nightmare now that I am out of it. But being able to handle one heartbreak makes you more prepared for the next. Its all a part of growing up and becoming the person you are. So when people do end their relationships, yes coping is needed but people need to start thinking of it as an opportunity not a set back. xoxo

  • @uadreamybabe - Uhhh… I don’t do that and I’m a girl.Usually, when one of my long relationships end (and I’m always the one that gets dumped) I hold on to hope for as long as possible. I never stop caring for them, even if the way I care abou them changes. I try distracting myself, but that doesn’t usually work. You can’t really run from your own brain effectively. I just draw things out. Usually it ends horribly. I also get to be that stereotypical depressed girl.If I do lose weight, it’s not right after a break up. It will be at least 6 months or so before I think about starting up a new exercise routine. And it’s not to get a new guy to make myself feel better, or to make the old one jealous. It’s just for me as a part of having something positive to think and feel about my body.

  • Im one of those “serial daters”, or rather, I was before I got married :3If I got in a serious relationship , and it would break; I would just get into another relationship (just not a serious one). 

  • I guess I take the guy approach. But you negated to mention that there’s two kinds of guy approaches, and by comparison, the one you mentioned isn’t to bad and neurotic.You see.. either the guy involves himself on a campaign of reform and self improvement… or he becomes a drunken/otherwise impure total wreck.That’s guy approach 2. I’d say.. the first time was definitely approach 2 then 1.. and every time after that was guy approach 1.It wasn’t about vengeance, though.. just about moving on and going upward. It takes a lot out of you to lose something important and also once you lose that, you kinda realize how weak it’s made you.. so the natural thing is to rebuild and reform, so as to be a better man.. either for yourself or for the next woman you find to be with.

  • So true on the female part on what they do after a break up =( I’m exactly like that *sigh*But there are some women who try and look better and rebound by trying to find a guy who is better looking, etc.

  • oviously, you’re a strong man

  • I really enjoyed your perspective on “life after love.” It is true that we all find someone else eventually and what always has amazed me is how truly resilient the human “heart” really is but how much people fight against that resilience in their failed attempts at holding onto something that clearly didn’t work. I’ve adopted a new perspective and posted about it just today, veteran Xangan returning after a writer’s block for several months, but the perspective works quite well for me and I hope your post reaches out to at least one person that might be clinging desperately to a relationship that let go so very long ago.

  • You know, i’ve seen this post being featured on Xanga for the longest time now but I never actually took the initiative to read it. Until today atleast. To be honest, I love reading random blogs when I get really bored, but when I see blogs with titles similar to yours I try to avoid them. You see, I got out of a long distance relationship about 5 months ago. I dated this guy for a year, I live on the East Coast and he lives on the West. The day before our year anniversary–and yes I’m aware that a year isn’t THAT long, but being thousands of miles away kind of sucked–he broke up with me. He told me straight up that he cheated on me. Yeah, atleast he was honest about that, but he proceeded his break up speech with some dumb ass excuses. I sort of knew the girl that he slept with. She was trying to home wreck in the first place. But after the break up, I didn’t eat for maybe 4 or 5 days. I got a couple of hours a sleep at the most a night for the first month alone. I’d go to the gym to work off my stress. I actually partied a little and hooked up with guys I’ve known for 30 minutes on the dance floor. It was really bad. My best friend in college listened to me every single day talk about my depressing situation. You’re post has everything that my best friend had told me. I’m too dependent on people to make me happy. I need the attention from another person of the opposite sex. I won’t be happy until I’m in another relationship…All words I’ve heard before. All words I know and accept. Also, all words I really hate that are true about myself. It’s in a working progress right now. I’ve actually found a bit of my happiness since I got back to college. Dating a guy across the country kept me away from partying and meeting new people. Now that I’m single, within the first week of being back on campus, I’ve made a gazillion new friends and I love it. I love this post because I feel like it can bring out other people’s emotions and thoughts that they don’t want to admit. 

  • @Heather_Also - I agree with you, ma’am. One of my best friends ruined themselves by trying to stay in a relationship with a girl that didn’t want him.I think that most long term relation ship issues stem from a lack of communication and selfishness. I think  couples, especially long term, should be able to talk out their issues and they should be willing to do what they need to in order to make their  partner happy. Even if that means letting them move on.

  • Cognitive behavioural therapy.

  • I just try to ignore it, distract myself. Because I don’t want to get over him, cause the idea of it scares me. Even though i know there’s no chance of going back, getting over him just seems…wrong. i mean, you’ve loved someone for so long &then what, just nothing? It’s a painful ride, learning to get over someone you thought you loved. I try to do everything to distract myself, going out with my friends, watching stupid movies i never cared for before, surfing the internet, anything that’ll keep me occupied.  Getting over someone sucks, because the feeling after you’re over them is a mix of relief and emptiness.

  • I was kicked to the curb a year ago (dumped in an email) after 6+ years in a very serious, committed relationship. It felt like a divorce. There’d been nagging doubt in the back of my mind for most of those years already but I was in too deep to leave.  We were having a blast. He wouldn’t come straight out and say it, but he really didn’t want to marry me, though he was perfectly happy to carry on as BF and GF. Eventually I started feeling, like, well F-k you, why would I want to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry me? And yet, we stayed together, because strange as it sounds, we were a very solid couple and just so compatible otherwise,  mostly happy, and our families, friends, and lifestyles became intertwined. We were just on different paths, and neither of us would ever change our minds. After the breakup/shake-up, I was a complete zombie-walking-dead-wreck. Eventually, around 5 months, I realized what I missed was what we had together, not HIM, specifically. You know, the daily texts, snuggles, someone who knows and understands and cares about you. That stuff. He was not without flaws; no one is.I hope that I’ll someday find that kind of intimacy again. But I’d never find a new person while I was with the old one. Oh, and it took him about 5 minutes to find a new GF btw, who was probably already in the picture before I was gone. Whatever. Karma is a bitch. But I’m not bitter. LOL!

  • I just separated from my husband.  We were married 23 years ago.  Even though we divorced back then it was not due to us not loving one another or getting along – actually too complicated to get into.  This time around, when we got back together after staying friends with on and off contact thru the years, our relationship started at the tailend of his father passing and him divorcing his wife of 8 years.  I also married someone in between for 8 yrs, but had been divorced for several years.  Anyway, things just weren’t working for us this time around.  We both had expectations from one another that just couldn’t be compromised.  We hurt each other more then anything.  My husband and I played with the idea of parting on many occasions, but never did it.  To me I felt like 23 years would be gone – not just this time we have been together now.  Since we have separated he has told me it feels right.  I am not sure about this or how to take it.  It is hard to accept “over”.  It is disappointing when your hopes and dreams don’t work out.  I feel like this is a death.  I will miss him in my life.  I will always love him.  Even if we couldn’t make this work.  But you are right…he is focusing on getting his truck fixed, his work affairs in order, etc.

  • some of us never learn

  • i became a workaholic and study! study! study! study! study! study! study! study!  and study some more! other than that, i don’t know how else to cope with the sadness and loneliness…

  • I always end up missing the comfort that comes out of a long relationship…like the “he’ll always be there” feeling. I think the only way to deal with it is to move on…

  • All I can say is that.. there ARE times when it comes as a shock and you were not expecting it… when you do see yourself with the person or see them as the one for you.. and in those cases the break up is most devastating and moving on takes more time. And how I deal is through distractions (including other guys), like you said… but then one day those distractions become unfulfilling and boring and i have to accept that it’s over, and that I’m fine with just me. I think relationships tend to cause people to forget their worth. So the goal is usually to rediscover yourself and your worth.

  • Actually there are some truths to what uadreamybabe said. A lot of women tend to try for a “make-over” after the breakup; whether it’s for a fresh start, or just want to look fabulous the next time they cross path with their exes (so the guy understand what he missed out on. A bit childish, but it’s a confidence booster I suppose.); whatever the reason may be, if the ultimate end result is you looking and feeling great, hey.People deal with breakups in their own ways. You’re entitled to do whatever you want (within legal boundaries of course…) to help yourself move on. Just remember you can not let it consume you.

  • Most of my long-term relationships were a total wreck ..I find myself hard to express my point…to why I fight alot in relationships….( I WAS ONLY TRYING TO GET MEN to understand the concept of RELATIONSHIPS) means fighting, nagging, going through tough time, overcome all obstacle. If they can’t handle it simply don’t start if ur not ready to face the downfall of being in the relationships…I don’t make up in relationships. but I do hold onto relationships every impossible ways. (yeah u heard me, IMPOSSIBLE WAY) =p.  I don’t like fresh start…I don’t like calling a quit neither. Regardless they like it or not..I’m more stronger then they think I am…I fight till the end and will not change or lower down my principle for the sake of their happiness?? Why don’t they just rather consider the fact women are also risking their happiness as well too to fix issues for one simple reason…so that later in life, it wont comes back hurt both of them financially, psychologically, and emotionally… but if we must choose to avoid by not facing it ..ignore the issues…don’t talk bout it…no arguing or nagging..blah blah and forth..wats the point of being in a relationship??? so u have sex when u want to?? come home and expect ..dinner is ready?? house is clean, and kids are taken care of?? Those things doesn’t come w/o fighting….take an old lady advice!!Wat surprised me the most sometime I would hear them ended up in some kind of troubles..a trouble that I’ve been warning them about…but it feels good for me to say in the end after them calling a quit on me, “U GET WAT U GET WHEN U DON’T LISTEN”….now I moved on and finally w/ a man that understand that simple concept of relationship… If only men can take arguments and conflicts like a glass of drinking water? That it is when u know is the right person u want to settle with….I see all this called as maturing in relationship. I don’t let go of my past. But I still keep it optimistically as possible. In order to better at it facing or solving problems. I  first need to understand ..there’s no future if u don’t have a history. History is reminder of wat happened before and wat u need to do to fix it..In addition if u dont argue, there’s no improvement..calling a quit (breakup) means avoiding. Finding a better half means (Finding an easier way  out ) actually never cure the problem…I recommend others to always face through it will only bring you to become a more stronger person, more satisfied towards the end…before u die..at least u completed the mission. HOWEVER…there’s 1 exception to ok and breakup:NEVER TOLERATE ABUSIVE relationship for both men are womens.that means ..GET THE HELL OUT AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE…but simple nagging and arguing….it shouldn’t even matter….!!!

  • cry for a day or two. hit up vegas, hang out with friends, hit up vegas one more time, go to law school.that’s pretty much it. oh and NEVER date exclusively… like my friend said, no one dates for 5 years… they get married.

  • When my boyfriend and I of 2 years broke up, I coped by going out a lot with my friends.  I also just kind of flirted around and had fun.  Got my mind of the past breakup.  It was hardest at school because we went to the same school and I would see him every once and awhile and it would just make it a little awkward.  We both eventually moved on and into new relationships. It was really hard because we were both eachothers best friend, and to totally cut all ties was really painful.  I had told him everything.

  • I agree with uadreamybabe because I have a friend who just break up with an ex. After one week, she’s in a relationship with another guy. My friend told me that she can have another relationship that quick because she don’t want to be alone. She can’t be alone. She wants someone to be at her side, care and support her.On the other hand, I have been in a few relationships. Usually, I am the one who suggest to break up because it seems something isn’t right between us. Of course, male sides will feel upset or even snob. They wants to U turn and try to reach me. But, I rejects it every time when they start to say something.Also, I have had been in a long term distance relationship for 3yrs. At time to time, my bf and I would call each other up or even text message. I remembered one day, he told me he wanted to end because we were in two different countries. It hard to keep that long. I agreed with his statement. So, we ended.I am the type of girl heal relationship breakup pretty well. I may cry 1-2hrs and then move on to where I leave off.

  • The first guy I ever dated, that relationship last longer than it should have but I really wanted it to work. We were supposed to get married and 2 months before he backed out.  It took me a while to realize I should have ended it pretty much at that time but didn’t.  Second guy ended it with me but he was a mistake from day one anyway.  Got to guy number 3 and he turned out to be a keeper.  But death has a funny way of breaking up a couple at least until the other one dies.  Sometimes it takes a new relationship to deal with any kind of loss whether break-up, divorce or death.

  • It’s always really hard for me. The relationship I look for needs passion, obviously, and in my case it faded and I just didn’t feel “in love” with them anymore and realized I never truly was. But it still hurts because it almost felt like losing a family member. Suddenly my days weren’t so busy and someone I care about doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

  • What do you do when you marry the person that you know is right for you, and nearly 4 years in they decide they can’t deal with you anymore?  I have depression, and it’s gotten worse since I’ve been married.  It’s not my husband’s fault, but he blames himself.  Now, he thinks he wants a divorce, but he’s not sure.  I love him with everything I have, and I know he’s the man for me.  So what do I do when I’m not the woman for him?

  • a day after losing an important relationship of my own, i was put into the situation of consoling my best friend in the same situation. my words of wisdom were:that yes, time does heal everything. it’s hard to believe it, but as you feel your life with new memories, new experiences, the old ones fade a little. trying really hard to keep the memories alive gets you stuck in a void.i used to think this person was perfect for me. we had our ups and downs and my friends told me to get over him, but i was thinking, ‘what would they know? they weren’t in the relationship.’ but sometimes you have to respect that 3rd party point of view might have a clearer angle because they’re not blinded by the so called ‘love of your life’. and now that i can think clearly now, i realize that i would never, ever have been completely happy with him. i’m glad things ended.in a healthy loving relationship, the love grows as you continue to get to know each other, and your relationship evolve. pining after the memories is like hanging on to what you’ve already lost.when i broke up with my first long term boyfriend, we were all about ‘i’ll always love you no matter what’. i’ve learned over time that this is not true. i will always think fondly of him, but love, to me, is a very strong feeling. feelings change. when a relationship is not maintained, it’s hard to love unconditionally because people change even when you think they don’t. and so this time around, i knew that i would eventually be okay.and that’s the gift and curse of our world. change helps us heal, but it makes you unable to go back to ‘how things were’.so move on, because holding on is that much more painful.whew. well, thank you for providing the space for me to share my two cents. =)

  • I think most of the posters here are quite young but I am more in the middle age bracket (and I can say that getting older sucks because you feel no different but are judged by your deteriorating “shell”). I wanted to add that relationships come down to compromising, always. No one is perfect; everyone has flaws, but sooner or later if you want to have a partner you decide, “I can live with that”, accepting imperfections, as they have to do with you and you just agree to work through issues. I was perusing through this site, thinking of my daughter and her somewhat long term boyfriend and being sad that he basically dumped her after being accepted at an Ivy League and I suppose, finding that he could “trade up”, even though my family fed, housed and sheltered him for several years when his parents kicked him to the curb. He had no problem doing the same to us when he with his poverty/ minority status was able to get far better scholarship offers than my daughter received even though she was academically advanced but “mainstream”.  He actually posted on Xanga at one point about how he use to spend time with “pale faces in dull places”, I guess referring to us. Once he went Ivy League his ego swelled, even though we took him in like family and help to raise him during his adolescence. It really hurt, though my daughter has seemed to moved on without being scarred by the rejection. I guess I am more hurt because it is like losing an “adopted” child forever now. So I guess you can say when long-term relationships end, sometimes other people are hurt as well. But take a chance on love because companionship, even with compromises, makes traveling through this life a little easier.

  • @Covergirl_For_Sanity_Fair -  If you have to move on, just have the courage to do it and know that better things wait for you in the future. Gather your support system behind you for strength and enjoy your own self, believe in yourself, that his decision doesn’t diminish your worth. Sometimes there darkness before light. Believe that things will be better because they will!

  •  me..well. the way i deal with has been easy enough i never saw them again it was only in that instant that we meet if it hadn’t happen we would have never been together the healing process was made easier for me because i never saw or heard from that person again. except now i just got separated  and this is harder because we share a child and for him we shall be forever bound. but he killed the infinity love i had for him, i held him above anyone and everyone even my child while he changed on me when he was me after giving birth to his son i gained 35 pounds i was 118 before the baby then after i had him i was 120 he was me with stretch marks and breast feeding my child (which i did for over a year to save him money after he always complained that he never had any) and was disguisted i feel awful i starved myself to get toothpick thin alienated myself from everyone even my family was basically like a faithful dog, (he hates dogs and he treated one better then me) he did as he pleased and turn me down if i ever wanted to hug him or kiss him(he said he forgot how to) it got to the point were if i wanted to hug him that urgue to hold him bc i did love him my hands would automatically drop bc they knew what would happen finally one day like many i was crying and my 3 yr old son told me with tears in his eyes “don’t cry anymore mommy its okay don’t cry” my son told my that he had been in sppech therapy for a while bc he didn’t talk and for him to put those words together baffled and sadden me i told his father that i was deeply depressed bc of what he was putting me thru at that i wanted to get counceling bc it was starting to affect our child and he could care less the next day after my son speech therapy i went to my moms with my son and never went back i love him i can’t say that i don’t it would be like saying i don’t love my son they look exactly alike, but its not the same kind of love as before just a “he’s the father of my child”kind of love. the healing process is hard but for me what i went through with him helped usually after you break up with/ or they break up with you mainly what you remember is the good that what make your heart hurt intead of the bad and why you and that person are not right for each other . i also try to look at it this way only a dog goes back to his vomit (eats it) im not a dog if it didn’t work the first time no use trying to waste more time you can’t fit a square in a circle all that’s left is to pick up the pieces, regain your self esteem, love yourself, says its for the best, and move on, and tell yourself it will be okay… that’s what i’m  working on 

  • GOOD ONE! I always feel upset for those frd who end their relationship … altho i never into a serious one (only causal dating couple times per year)! IF u ask me, i will say i think i will be one of those girls who end their relationship at the end. Like, i have always been those kind of roles. So and so that, i am pretty skilled at turning frds down because i know it will not work. So, am i indeed killing my chances? Self-fulfilling that i will not have a committed relationship with a wonderful man? I do not know. I tried to learn from the past ..or maybe renew a relationship that i sometimes miss nowadays. But, relationship should be two ways rather than one way commitment. And, most of guys/man that i talked with share same answer as yours. They seldom think about the past or they just don’t want to tell me how they adjust to it.  Whenever i see frds have successful relationship, i can’t stop think what’s wrong with mine? What did i do that give the person “escape” feeling … haha …..

  • lifes too short to cry over spilled milk, you jus gotta get up and pour a new glass.

  • I just broke it off with my boyfriend of 2 years, and I’ve been handling it by talking it out  with close friends, and reminding myself that I did the right thing. He  disrespected me badly,  and he is dealing with a lot of internal issues. We were arguing a lot and I found out we never really had much in common in the first place.  I’m taking the time to truly get to know myself and taking a much needed break from relationships. Plus staying busy is always a big help.

  • 19000 views!? You just disproved your point from this morning. LOL

  • time takes care of it for me :]always move forward <3

  • http://WWW.MOVEON.ORG    IT IS THE KEY :) ITS HOW I RECOVERY WITH MY LIFE.. 

  • While reading your comment on this subject, i can’t help but think of myself. I recentely ended a relationship with someone i love dearly. We had been friends for about two years. I had hopes of something more it was headed in that direction. Well he told me that he couldn’t handle it.It broke my heart and it took me a while to get over it, He just bought his  new lady too Church with him. I told myself  i have got to learn from this experience and and not close my heart altogether. It hurt but this too will pass. Everyone still believes we will be together eventually. Do i believe it? Well i still believe.

  • I got dumped by my fiancee this year, and generally I’m just hurt and sad, but she made it a lot easier by for me to say, “Thank God that’s over,” by being totally unpleasant. Then I dated another girl and got dumped by her, and though I was a mess earlier this week, I can see the bright side, since I couldn’t really trust her to be stable anyway.I know that somewhere out there is a woman who will love me and all that good stuff, and I can wait. I’m happy enough being single for now.

  • I’m pretty young i’m 15..and the longest relationship I’ve had was 8 months..and today is 2 months after…thankfully i have moved on i still think about my ex once in a while but i’m not in love anymore…the only reason it was tough was because i never got any closure from the dude.And your totally right people have different ways of moving on..but i believe while doing so no person should have the right to condemn anyone on how to repair their heart, because no one knows how much anyone is hurting.

  • for ur title,,just one word::unfortunately!!

  • I just got out of a 6 year relationship. and to distract myself from thinking, I trick myself…..I work more hours at work to make more money, and spend more time on self improvement, like gym, shopping, learning different skills like dancing, etc…..Time is the key. When i first broke up with my ex, i thought i could never go on. But now, 6 months later, I dont feel that bad about it anymore… Of course every once in a while, i will feel a little sad, and feel the loss all over again..but at least its not 24/7 like it used to be. Life goes on, just give it time. Theres always another person out there for you     :)

  • Nice post. I like your perspective.

  • The first time someone broke up with me, it was horrible. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I did wrong and whether or not if I even did anything wrong. It was hard to concentrate but in the end I got over it. Now, i’m usually the one to break up because I don’t want to go all depressed and I can’t concentrate. I think that most of the times, it’s easier for me to be the one that breaks up with the other because you know why you did it. Maybe I shouldn’t always be the one doing it, but it’s an easier way to not be hurt.

  • I think some of the other commenters hit the nail on the head…how you deal with the end of a long relationship seems to have more to do with whether you got broke up with or were the one doing the breaking up, and less your gender. I also think some personal philosophies about how you deal with pain impact your post breakup patterns.Personally I’ve always mentally made the decision that I just don’t quit things so I end up working at and investing in relationships that maybe should have been ended a long time ago. I’m also not one to distract or medicate myself from what I’m feeling, so yea…lots of random driving, walks, journaling, tears, etc.I can remember being angry and frustrated at past relationships ending, but my most recent one was not just a relationship…it was a marriage to a woman I’ve been married/engaged/dating to for 6 years. I’ve been working through this current loss for about 5 months and there just hasn’t been any anger. I mean maybe I’m doing something wrong, but it’s mostly been general sadness, disappointment, or feelings of not being valued as a person. Let me also go out of my way to say to those of you that are either thinking of getting married, or that are married…stay as far away from a divorce as you possibly CSM. Involve friends, family, counselors, be willing to do anything before you even consider that option, because it’s not what you think it is. It’s like poison to your spirit…unquestionably one of the worst things in the world. You do not ever want to do this to another person or have it done to you. Trust me :/But yea, great post and good discussion. I heavily recommend writing, walks, and if you can afford it…taking a vacation where you can have some solitude and time to work through feelings. You also need people to talk to and vent questions, fears, etc to, but don’t make the mistake of never allowing yourself time alone to process. There’s also something to be said for occasionally beating the crap out of yourself via exercise and physical labor…

  • After breaking up with my last boyfriend. I really don’t know what to think about relationships anymore. =/ 

  • distract yourself with new charming people and be thankful for the knowledge that your ex wasn’t the one for you when you could have been stuck in the relationship for an extra x amount of time thinking (or staying in denial) that the person was “the one” for you and realizing much later how much time you wasted on a person who was just never going to be what you need. oh, and don’t ever forget that there are plenty of fish in the sea and the quest can be quite exciting, thrilling and amazing! 

  • @me_aapie - relationships are supposed to be extremely rewarding at most and learning experiences at worst. don’t let a bad relationship make you believe that they’re things to stay away from, most of the time they are worth the risk you take to get involved. As long as you leave a relationship with some new knowledge of how to deal with a significant other in the future, the relationship had some value. it might be scary after a relationship to take another leap to get involved with another person, but just imagine how good it’ll feel when the next person happens to be the one who won’t ever let you fall. :)

  • @Ampersands_Anonymous - i can feel all your sorrow.

  • you gave the summary“I’ve always felt that when something ends, something new begins. I don’t think too much about the past because why let anything bring me down? I tell all my friends that there is someone for everyone. That person they were just with, simply wasn’t the one for them. Life goes on. ”but its hard to get! even if it simple – it is realistic – but its hard – too hard for a man who have planned to love someone for a long time – and things didn’t work out in the middle.another problem is “we can’t take blame on ourselves” this makes the thing even more painful – but on the other hand this is also the key to get over – I guess.sometimes – they are easy – but sometimes it take a lot of time and patience – if true love was ever involved.but I totally agree with you thanks for posting such a great post.

  • @grammarboy -  this has happened to me too – my last broke up was on an SMS (Text) followed by and email and and a voice mail message to ensure that I get the right message and that the message was true.she wrote “I am glad that this over and I am sad – all I want is that you just forget about me like I never came in your life” 

  • I haven’t long just got out of a year-long relationship.  We even got engaged but ultimately I broke it off because I “woke up” and saw habits in him that would be detrimental to what would have eventually been marriage for us.  Then an ex of mine before him came back into my life briefly before getting shot to death, and his death was what pushed me to move on. I went on back to school to start working on my MBA and started seeing other guys ever since. My ex-fiance called me yesterday out of the blue, apparently still not over me.

  • ‘We all know everyone eventually moves on, but it’s interesting how we go about it. Obviously, time is the key, but I don’t think we truly move on until we find another person we want to be committed to.’I love that, people say time is key…But I learned that time is not something that allow you to get over someone, It’s something that allows you to find someone else.I never handled breakup’s well. All my relationships became a mess and severing all ties seems to be the best way for me. You’re right tho, When ever I get sad over relationships, I end up tidying loads or studying or joining a club or something! I can’t let myself stop otherwise needless thoughts flood my mind! 

  • I Don’t Know How To Deal With It, You Tell Me?

  • I came back to xanga to find a piece of my past and suddenly stumbled onto your page.  This entry about parting in a long term relationship.  I have to disagree with you on the way guys deal with break ups. I think guys like to cover their feelings deep down they are exactly like any other female, except society doesn’t allow them to be weak.  Truthfully, they’re just human and they too are allow to cry except they’re taught to stand tough.Actually sometimes even when you found someone you commited to, it doesn’t mean your heart allow you to move on.  I think it has nothing to do with time, but how much love and happiness is filled in your jar in comparison to your ex.  It’s kind of sad how we compare but it’s just natural instinct. 

  • Breakup always hurt. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  • I drowned myself in my own tears, couldn’t sleep but I drank a lot of beer so I can sleep, even in my sleep I dream about him and I wake up crying. I worked and worked and worked… eventually, my friends came by and took me out and packed my shit back to my parents house. I couldn’t do it on my own because I start crying.Go out, have fun, keep yourself busy! Even though 5 years went down the drain, its ok, I’ve learn something and something about myself!

  • /random/ : I did exactly like you said “…turn their lives around by working out and improving themselves, trying to enact some long term scheme of “getting back” at the girl by showing them what they have lost….” . I go running every single day and loose 15 lbs in 6 weeks, hire personal trainer and work out regularly. 

  • “When something ends, something new begins.”Very true.

  • @Sand_notes - I have no idea how i actually deal with break ups. I thought i was great at it but it turns out that i was just suppressing all those feelings and now here i am four years later and everything is falling apart. i can’t differentiate between the past and the present.

  • Wow. Your posting comes at a right time. I’m going through a rough time in a relationship too. I feel matters of the heart can be a VERY messy business–feelings get hurt; egos get bruised; hearts get broken; if kids are involved, they are pained and confused. It’s best to take it a day at a time. If you have faith, God can help you through it if you reach out to Him. Other then that, friends and family (I hope) can help you weather the storm. At the end of it all though, you have to realize that some things are beyond your control. Take it as a lesson learned and really, life does go on.

  • @Heather_Also -  I don’t want to start agreeing with everyone, and I’m hella’ annoyed that I agree with the very first comment. All that being said, I concur. 

  • Relationships are hard, and love is hard. Love is like…a mental illness, you know? You just…have it, and then what can you do? My relationships have been pretty pitiful (because I suck at relationships, of course) and I haven’t even seen my 18th birthday yet. To me, love is when this drug goes off in your brain, eliminating all logic and reason so that romance can take place. Otherwise, none of us would risk it all, right? And then we all hear about marriage and how horrible it usually is, because no one can appreciate that, after the initial romance has subsided, something deeper takes it’s place.It amazes me how someone can stay with another person for so long when, in actuality, they can’t stand the sight of each other. Some people get so consumed in their relationships that they can’t even be honest or open, and soon they’re lying through their teeth without realizing the depth of that, or the consequences.Yeah, breaking up is hard, to say the least, and so is moving on. I’ve never been in a satisfying relationship, probably because of how selfish, insensitive, naiive, and insecure I am. Most of the time it has nothing to do with the boy, and then again, maybe some of us will prize our solitude right till the very end. Relationships, to me, seem more of a crutch, someone to depend on or a way to avoid being alone. I hope one day that I can find a guy who can see that and make me feel like I’m not alone, and that I don’t have to be frightened or hide anymore.Also, one last thing.In my opinion, some of us forget to remember that not all of us know how to love. Not all of us know how to ask for help. When I think about relationships, one quote I’ve heard before comes to mind, though it may not take relevance to the issue. It goes, “The people that are the hardest to love are usually the ones who need it the most.”

  • I personally am not dealing well at all. He’s fine and dandy and we’re still best friends but now he gets to hear me cry and yell at him. It’s been 3 months and I’m not okay.At this point I don’t want to get back together with him right now and I have no desire to look for someone else. I feel that this “no desire to date” thing is permanent.

  • Break ups aren’t meant to be easy.  Short or long term, it’s just a matter of how each individual deals with it.  Everyone heal in different ways.  Some like to talk about it and share with friends to understand what happened in their relationship.  Others simply close the door of the pain and look the other way.  Whether or not they truly heel no one knows but the individual themself.  Time heals…but the cycle of love goes on.  We hurt people when we aren’t done healing.  That happens more often then we think.  I agree when you say, we don’t move on until we found someone to start thing with.  It’s a security blanket saying it’s alright to let go now. 

  • I try not to let it phase me, but hell yea there are times it does. I try to look at the positive side and say “they;ve wasted so much of your time already, are you really going to let them waste some more by you (as in myself) weeping around” I do what I would normally do, but I guess you could say it makes me focus more on what I’m doing (SOMETIMES)  because I don’t want to think about it. I don’t change my face, or myself to prove to him that I still care to must do so. Things will happen as they do.

  • @WordsandThoughts -  I do the same thing!!! Break up after break up after trying to date other people we end up being back together.. when do you know its really over? do we have to go tru this horrible cycle of break ups only to get back together for awhile? my family and friends know I deserve better and dont really care for my ON and off again boyfriend.. he has never hit me or cheated on me or anything… he may have left me for someone else.. and we would break up cause things werent working out.. also he wouldnt put me on the top of his list of “priorities” and sometimes I felt I was paying for everything I know I make more but still sometimes a girl wants to be treated like a queen.. I do care for him and I know he cares for me we are trying to work things out after just breaking up and moving out of the apartment we had together.. which was planned but we were supossed to move together somewhere else now.. were both with family.. how do you deal with bringing him back around the family? I am so scared I love my family more than anything and I do want him around I know he can be the man he needs to be.. idk than I feel I can get better and I do deserve better but I dont and wont let myself…

  • I bought a pair of shoes and clothes from—-top99shopping.com—–they have the lowest price and high quality,the lowest goods just 11$

  • Just coming out of a 5year relationship it’s interesting to note that everything I didn’t want is all I want now.  I ended it after suffering inside about how things were not right so I only saw what was wrong.  Everything pointed towards ending it for some time yet couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Now that it is over I have found it a challenge to focus to create new perspectives, everyday is different.  I have felt like swimming in a sea of regret and other times feel empowered, I know all will be well yet I would love to be with him again.I had to send him away, even though I loved him dearly.

  • I’m currently in long term relationshiop (3 years an a month and still counting)I don’t know I think I’m already near the phase of giving up cause sometimes I’m just fed-up with things but then again, there are times that I am the happiest guy on earth when i am just hanging out with herI don’t know. Its really interesting that maybe one day, i might just wake up and tell her I just don’t love her. and the thought that she might do that or I might do that is scary.I can’t rationalize sometimes and when i am rational/logical its only for a couple of seconds before I go emotions first reason later.Kudos on this post it really stopped me and made me think/feel on what the hell I am doing with my love life right now

  • The whole issue of breakups being difficult also stems from this feeling of ownership that develops. The relationship has been going sour, and the relief that you feel that the fighting and the turmoil is finally over. Yet when you really attach yourself to someone and they attach to you, you feel like you sort of own their heart; you have their commitment, conquered their body. It is within our nature to desire ownership, and when one so close to your soul breaks away it takes something with it, and part of you is lost. And deep down, you know its no ones fault but your own because you held on so tightly and wouldn’t let go. You pulled and they tugged; it snapped and you were left assdown in the mud, defeated. Your pride is hurt, your self worth is being questioned and you no longer have the tangible proof you once relied on to defend it. To me, a breakup is an intense and painful exploration of myself, exploring all of my faults and where i went i wrong or how i was wronged and mistreated. I pull a High Fidelity and revisit my past failed relationships, to what i attribute failed explorations of variations of myself and inner personality. I do disagree about one thing you said though. I believe when you love someone and you feel like you want to spend the rest of your life with them, you truly mean that. Those feelings will never change to the person you are. But being human, everyone changes. Relationships fall apart not because the love dies, it is because one of you has moved in a direction incongruent to the other. If you had both stayed as you were, it would be perfect. Relationships survive when both change together. Beautiful post. not to do shameless self promotion, but im new here!http://metaneutrino.xanga.com/

  • I think a person will move on when they are ready. You don’t have to find someone else to fully  move on and be happy… after a long relationship, it’s important to take a break and find yourself again. Find that happiness that you owe your ownself and be spontaneous – take that trip to Europe or someplace you have dreamt of going and just GO! Help us by voting! http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?qsi=50495597 Thanks!!

  • that’s the sad part… life goes on.

  •  I came to realise that I don’t really like being alone… When I was single I’d look at my friends in relationships and feel a pang of jealousy [in the nicest way possible]. It’s just nice to have someone.. As for dealing with break-ups; the first boy who proposed to me at the age of 21 and I got serious with ended it with me because our families weren’t seeing eye to eye.. I got rid of eveything of his right away, focused on studies, lost weight, cut my hair, and after passing my exams moved halfway across the world to Korea for an exchange programme. It was the best way I have ever gotten over anyone…. I was too busy partying/learning/seeing new things to dwell on the past. Funnily enough, now I’m in an overseas LDR but I don’t really feel lonely, sure I miss him.. but it’s a great feeling being loved.

  • @GreenTeaGym - Ummm Wow

  • .o get over it,  it happens…o. must be in the plan… DHC!-oO jevajeva.tumblr.com Oo-

  • Yeah your right, I totally agree. Good post.

  • when a relationship ends omg…it hurts like a bitch thats all i can say it just sucks . but nirvana fixes everything :)

  • @Ampersands_Anonymous -… “martyr fighting for a lost cause” – how apt!  I completely understand that. I was married for 14 years to a lost cause.

  • Hello Dear, It is a pleasure to meetYou are here! I guess! We canFriend or lover, if you agree with me, copyMy e – mail and inboxIn (suzzy.emmedy @ yahoo.com)I’m Susan? I hope to readYou! Then I will send you my picturesAnd tell you more about meThank you ..

  • @explosive - Sometimes I feel like I am in a relationship like that too, but I keep thinking that it will turn out for the best and this person really is the one I want to marry.

  • I just wanted to say I enjoyed your post. I’m in a 3-year relationship that I think has to end sometime, but I’m fighting to make it work, lol ^_^. LOL.

  • My four-years younger boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago, saying that I needed someone more mature and wanted to commit (even though I never asked him to because of his age, 22). I felt that he was using it as an excuse because I found out that he actually doesn’t really feel the same way about me. Just didn’t have the courage to tell me so. I suppose omitting that and not coming out clean with me, has made me incredibly frustrated and confused.I don’t deal with breakups well — even if I do initiate them. When I have initiated them, I’ve always thought long and hard about them, questioning if I’ve done the right thing. Feeling upset and reminiscing about memories doesn’t help either. Recently being the dumpee… I’d have to say, I’m crying at work, I’m crying at home, I’m crying when I’m driving in the car, at random times. I’m trying to distract myself with work but it’s hard to concentrate and focus. I can’t even bring myself to hook up with someone else because I still love my ex. Plus my mind always wanders… thinking about my ex going out, partying up, meeting other girls… makes my heart ache. Not to mention that I constantly have nightmares about him and other girls — and my gastric ulcer causing me strife and lack of sleep.

  • Oh God my shit is just like 5 whole Xanga pages worth… (<.< x)” maybe more.@clarajae - Could be worse.  Could be your first cliche first love that you’ve known since elementary is married now after they broke up with you! Haha.  Well that’s my story in 2 sentences.  I have nightmares too.  Matter fact I’ve been having nightmares for the past week.  In one dream it was with her and someone else! Weiiirddd.  I’ve been over it but after all this time dreams like those make me disgruntled everytime.     Personally talking about it helps.  Before when I was still broken I couldnt’ say anything about it.  It took me nearly 5 years to recover from it even though we only went out for a year.  At the time she was the one.  100% I knew it.  But life isn’t fair and life goes on.  The best way to heal is never forget to laugh and smile :) .

  • It is simple to say that with time one can get over it, but the truth is that it hurts and it is very disappointing to think that you have lost so much time. But I have to agree with you, if there is any doubts about the other significant other then perhaps it wasn’t the right person to be with anyway. I’m so glad I came across this tonight, I was debating about this topic earlier. 

  • As for dealing with a breakup, I’ve never really had to deal with it before as this is my first relationship. There’s been close instances where I’m always bawling and feeling depressed. LOL But this time, I feel indifferent, and a just a little, tiny bit scared.

  • Thank you for this post. I’m in that exact situation right now where I don’t know if I want to continue with this 4.5 year long relationship or call it quits. We’ve been dating since I was a Freshman, so he is my high school sweetheart. So many firsts in life with him. We’ve practically grown up together. It started out as best friends but then we fell in love. It was perfect. But now it just seems like all we do is disagree and argue. I don’t feel a physical attraction, and I’m just so desensitized to his irritating quirks and certain behaviors that I just don’t want to put out effort anymore to deal with it. I’m always the one crying and trying to make things work. It feels very one-sided to me. He’s not usually an ass or anything, he’s actually very nice. He just isn’t affectionate towards me, and we’ve talked about it before but it hasn’t changed. We got into an argument yesterday and he wanted to break up and meet new people, but today he apologized for blowing up and wanted to talk it out. I told him that I needed time to think things through. We both have changed so much over the years, both physically and mentally. I’m a very outgoing, confident, friendly person, and he is more of a chiller with just a small, close group of buddies. I feel I have grown into such a beautiful young woman, and I do get a lot of compliments. I work out and maintain a good diet, so I take care of my body really well. And I have a nice figure too :] I love myself and my body now, compared to the awkward teenager I was when we first started dating. It’s sad that I get more attention from random strangers on the street than from my own boyfriend. And back then, I’d say, I love you. He’ll say I love you too. Me: How much? Him: More than everything. But now, he says, Ehhhh enough. And I’ll be like, c’mon really? how much? And his answer still remains, enough. I don’t know what to do. I feel like it’s the end but he’s such a big part of my life. I’m used to it, ya know? So I guess I’m kinda scared. Not of being lonely. But just, what life will be like afterwards.

  • When a long relationship ends, pick yourself up dust yourself down and start all over again WITH YOU . Find out what it is that you really want from life, pamper youself a little and treat yourself like are the most loved person in the world…… If you dont why should anyone else. As a person who had perpetrated a break up, I never found it easy, but I knew that would be in denial about a certain truth that was existing within the relationship. Stayin would be easy as the guy I was with was good in many ways. Leaving left me feeling very empty, but I knew I had to push on.My personality was changing, anger was enveloping my life and all was a rebound from how I was being treated and because I was not being heard. A year on and I knew I did the right thing. I have found a new lease of life, look good, feel good and stood by my first statement even though sometimes it was a little hard. I went through the bereavement process and was analytical about it as i approached each stage……….My good friends were  fantasic support and I tried my best not to enburden them with my sorrows, but they were there for me when I was showing an attack of sorrow. I went out dancing quite a bit and that helped too. Being asked out again was nice, as that added to boosting my self esteem, even if these were not always guys I wanted to have relationships with!! But hey life goes on, and to make a Good Book quote, “We may weep but for a night but joy cometh in the morning”. The night here might be a long one, i.e a long period of sorrow, but when the daylight returns, when you can see clearly again, your heart can be joy filled, your confidences will be returned and life will feel good again……………………..

  • wow jigg, this is such a nice post. i didn’t deal with this recently,but i got rejected, OMG. i love yhou, definitely helped me move forward.

  • I took a few days after the break up to cry my heart out. After that, I just move on. I adopt new hobbies, learn new things and work harder on my studies and work. The sadness will be there but I try not letting it take charge of my life.

  • My wife to be broke up with me after 4 years of dating. I decided that I would not contact her in anyway. Why? I saw many breakups where one was very upset and tried to cause the breakor trouble. I also notice that many moaned and groaned and made people feel sorry for them. I decided on no contact and no discussing it with friends–just my mom knew.Two months later my wife to be called and asked me to take her back. I did 55 years ago, but to this day she still talks about Marty. I do not ask the obvious questions.blessingsfrank

  • For me, if the relationship ended on MY terms, I get over it. I cry for a few hours to come to the decision TO break up with the guy, and unless I rationalize why I should not, I tell him. I don’t even really cry with him there. Eat a lot of junk food, cry out whatever “dream/memory” that I had lost due to the fact this relationship came falling down like a tower made out of cards and go out; meet new people, parties, dinners, events, with my friends and feel BUSY. Write the most beautiful literature, only heart ache can lure from my brain, and bake. Stay close with my friends and my family.if the relationship came to end on HIS terms but I knew things weren’t going so well… I try to understand why he felt a) he needed to break up with me rather than figure things out and try to work out the problem, b) how long he was feeling this way about our relationship and c) if there is someone else that he’d rather be with. But in the end, we end. I cry, relinquish all evidence of the guy as I slowly accept that I prob. knew it was coming to an end, eat, watch a lot of mushy and/or action movies and avoid couple related events like the PLAGUE. Work out. Read literature that I can relate to. Take out my violin and play my aches out. If I haven’t talked myself to deny the process and talk the guy into considering a diff. option, then I surround myself with people that I can trust since they have told me that he was never right for me and they knew it was going to end. I stay busy. I spend time with my family. Think happy thoughts and eventually be happy too.Ones I keep fighting to keep are the ones that don’t end in my terms. The ones that I let go on my terms; when I had enough of this bs and that I’m tired of keep fighting to have him deign to work at our relationship, the guy usually gets really emotional. But I give him some time to think it over and after a few days, we meet and sum it all up. In the end, it’s ether me facing my problems and dealing with it… or if I close my eyes and keep denying that we have issues and maybe he’ll do the right thing and become the man he promised to be, rather than hoping he’d end it. lol I’m a hopeful, I guess??*(shrug) it hurts. whether i end it or him. but since I’ve been in the LONGEST relationship with my current bf and we’re planning our “lets’ live together by the summer 2011″ with the renting market, wedding in the midst and all that jazz… the guy before was 10 months. not even a YEAR! I’m pretty good at accepting pros and cons since i don’t like wasting time. I’ve seen too many friends who spend more than 5 yrs of their youth with a guy because they CANNOT let go. Life’s too short for that. -_-;

  • I’ve never actually had a “serious relationship” but I have had my share of breakups. Breakups to me don’t bother me, realizing that it’s over for a reason is saying I’m free and that I’ve got things to do with my life then sit here and be sad. Being sad is something I try to stay away from. Just doing the things you love will then put you on the right track to happiness and to then find someone worth it.

  • I just got out of a 4 year relationship with my ex. We started dating when we were both 18 and had a baby together almost 3 years ago. We attempted to be a family. Well, deep down in my heart I knew we would not work after the first year but I held on because I love the way love feels when it is going good. It was almost worth it to stay together for, until I realized my son would grow up with two unhappy parents. Don’t get me wrong, this guy is my first true love and will always have a place in my heart. However, I have done a lot of growing and soul searching and am proud to know I faced my fear of being alone and losing him and now I just cannot wait to dedicate my time to my beautiful baby boy instead of worrying about our struggling relationship and really stupid fights. I am a big believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’ and find little signs all the time that I am doing the right thing.This has been the hardest, most beautiful, emotional and enlightening experience I have ever been through. Everyone deserves to give themself a chance to prove they are stronger than they think. Going through a breakup with someone you were with for a long time is definitely a great opportunity to do this.

  • This year, for the first time, I was on the receiving end of a breakup. I cried – a lot – for two weeks or so, and there was that feeling that held a resemblance to suffocation. But thankfully I had an entire summer ahead of me, so it was easy to find stuff to temporarily distract myself with. I still really, really like the guy, but I no longer feel so sad when I think about the breakup. I get more of this numb feeling. I guess, even if there seems to be no way for a person to actually get over a breakup, he or she will eventually end up getting used to it, at the very least. =/

  • Personal I have found that I tend to grow more as a person when a relationship ends. In the past I have been unreasonable, controlling, controlled, and thrown back and forth. When all of it ends i t leaves one alone to figure out why. When my last relationship ended, I was more or less alone, and I had a lot of time to reflect on why it went the way it did. From being alone and being able to figure out why I had acted the way I did, I was able to decide what I truly believed to be “right” and “wrong” for me, and even what those two simple words mean to my personal vocabulary. From messing up the past, and from being in situations where I knew it would some day end I was able to grow the hell up and learn, at least a little. Now I am engaged and excited for a future that I don’t see ending. If it wasn’t for every horrible thing I had been through, or the horrible mistakes I made putting other people through b.s. I wouldn’t have the Love that I do now. Thank Frak for mistakes. :)

  • Every individual does indeed have their own way(s) of solving problems regarding relationships, as well as other problems, and I believe Jigg’s to be one of the most effective:- letting pessimism take over us isn’t a healthy way to treat ourselves;- the end of a relationship is not necessarily equivalent to the end of the world;- accepting things that which we cannot change and having the courage to change the things we can is essential.Plus, instead of being disappointed over the empty half of the glass, why don’t some of us be thankful that the glass is half full?Or, am I just being ignorant?

  • good post.:)

  • My first long term relationship ended tonight. We’ve been together for 9 years it started off from an office romance – I was 22 and he was 43. I’m 31 and he is 52 now and tonight I’ve just realised what a broken heart feels like. I’m shocked,  sad, lonely, scared, upset and angry about the way it ended and what was said made me question whether I have just wasted nine years of my life. Tomorrow I will have to see him at work and hopefully each time I see him this anger will help alleviate some of my pain as the split was so sudden and unexpected.It’s like I’m lost and can’t seem to find my way.

  • Interesting post. I broke up with my first love five days ago. We were together 2 years and 9 months. I don’t know when the hell I’ll be over it. I never wanted it to end. I thought I was going to marry him. I ended it because I knew that neither of us would ever be 100% happy if we were married. We’re different religions and I feel like those relationships don’t work out if one person loves God and the other doesn’t. However, it sure doesn’t make getting over it any easier.If any one has any advice, that would be awesome. 

  • @Pisces1803 - I know the feeling hun =(. I don’t know when it will get better. I’m going through the same thing. Just remember that you ended it for a reason. That’s what I’m trying to. However, that doesn’t make it easier.

  • @MrCautious - You have no idea how much I needed to read this right now. Just ended a long-term three year relationship with my first love. I realize now I shouldn’t have to change the one I love. Some things you’re not supposed to compromise on. Thank you again. I can’t express how much this has helped me. 

  • @Sand_notes - Wow I am the exact same way! Well, at least right now. I keep wishing I’ll just stay in the self improvement phase haha. 

  • Never had a boyfriend until now and we’re still together so I wouldn’t know and never want to. I’ve seen so many friends go through heart break and it makes me sad to see them that way.

  • I began to look at myself, to see what part did I play in the demise of the relationship.  If you date long enough you will soon find out that just like everything else in life, you get out of it what you put into it. 

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  • I excise the person from my life.  No calls, no letters, no mementos.  They’re gone.  Finished.  Wallowing in emotional grief does no one any good.  Yes it was important, and yes, I’ll always remember it, and yes, I’ll probably even miss the relationship sometimes, but I will not drape myself with grief.  Life is too short.  I move on to other things.

  • I always try to end it on good terms. I’ve only had 2 boyfriends in the past and i was with them for one year each. Yeah I get sad but I don’t get hurt, there’s a reason why people break up, even if it’s completely dumb or ridiculous.For women, it’s just hard because as much as we want to deny it, some guys just use us as tools. But I get the last laugh because he only thinks he used me as a tool (mwuahahahaha). I’m a positive person though and I get over it very quickly. So many demented fish in the see

  • The best way to get over someone is to get UNDER someone else!ha!and, btw, ‘Time’ is NOT the key! … it WHAT YOU DO with the time!

  • boy, this sure seems like drivel. its kind of ridiculous to drop a couple of generalizations on how the “average boy/girl” copes with a breakup.who are these average dimensionless automatons?why do we all know that everybody eventually moves on? i’m positive that we all know/know of someone who is Never going to get over THAT relationship. or perhaps the An Hero, and in that case i sincerely doubt you could describe them as “over it”i’ll tell you a secret, its not just relationships that have an expiration date……you do too. >> i’d rather not waste my time talking to people that are just going to die someday.

  • “I always felt that if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time (years) and you’re not sure if they’re the one for you, chances are, they’re not.” — That’s what I’ve been wondering, do you ever really know?Also, your comments on how men and women deal.. My exboyfriend locked himself away and became a total mess. Another ex tried to commit suicide. I don’t think it’s a man/woman thing. It just really depends on the person and the break-up. @WordsandThoughts - & @scribblemuffin - I’m in the same boat. 5+ years and I don’t know what I want anymore. We’ve discussed marriage but I don’t know anymore. I used to by excited about it, now it terrifies me because I wonder if it’s a big mistake. At least we wouldn’t be getting married for at least another 5 years but marriage is a big deal for him. He’s said it’s a deal breaker if I don’t want to get married.

  • @explosive - can understand the pain bcoz me too in the same situation

  • I just got out of a relationship last week. One that went on for 5 years. I knew it wasn’t truely a relationship when jealousy and controlling issues kicked in. But like a dumbass i kept going back til it got even worse. I thought I wasn’t scared of him, but the truth is, I was terrified of him. Something that lasted for almost 5 years should have only been 8 months. We were in love, and he was also my first. I thought he was gonna be the one i’d walk down the aisle with and have babies…But that wasn’t the case. I’m glad I ended it the way I did, but i don’t think i’ll ever be able to look at him the same. I’ve ended it with him several times before. Once was as long as a year and a half. That’s because I had found someone else that I truely fell in love with. But after 11 months he left me without any reason, I ended up waking up to his mom blowing up my phone telling me we could no longer see one another. Therefore I became vounerable and lonely….and that’s when it hit me. But they’re right, all it takes is time!!!!

  • There’s a very dangerous thin line, though, that you encounter when you assume that you have to always 100% all the time feel like you are with your dream person. To deny that there will be difficulties in the relationship is foolish — and I do not think you went that far here, but I have seen at least one couple I knew break up when, really, they probably should have stuck it out. Strength of a relationship is determined by how well they overcome difficulties, not how well they avoid them.But yes, if you’re not with the one you want to be with the rest of your life, stop being with that person!!

  • I do agree with your statement: “I always felt that if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time(years) and you’re not sure if they’re the one for you, chances are,they’re not.” I was with someone for a little over a year and towards the end I had my doubts about us. Don’t get me wrong he was a good guy. but there were just somethings that made me realize that maybe he isn’t the one for me. I initiated maybe going on a break which led to a break up maybe forever… but just because I initiated it does not mean that I didn’t hurt or miss him. I’ve never felt so low in my life. even though in my head i knew I wasn’t going to marry him it really hurt to let it go, to forget about him, to cut him out of my life when for the past year he was all i knew. Anyway being really busy with school helped a lot, trying to get things done would preoccupy my mind, working out (I really didn’t mean too but I just lost a lot of weight from running), music and hanging out with SINGLE friends… im sorry but some of my friends with boyfriends are too mushy for me… lol… I just know that I never ever want to feel that low again… so the next time im really not committing until I know I want to marry him… Please spare me the heartbreak.

  • Interesting post. I have a few comments on it. One reason that people may stay in a “failing” relationship is simply because of hope. Sometimes it’s false hope: that a person stop doing something detrimental will change or that the people involved may be able to work out their differences, that trust or attraction in the relationship may return. Other times the hope is legitimate. Sometimes people are able to workout their differences, and the relationship flourishes because of it. I believe the bigger question is “How can one tell the difference?” I’m not sure. Understanding the difference between throwing in the towel and giving it one more shot is difficult because it possibly is based on how one was raised, the relationship of one’s parents (or parent), and one’s own assessment of the relationship. About losses…I’ve only had one “lost” relationship, because I’ve only dated two people (my ex-girlfriend and my current one), but the way that I dealt with the first loss was with a combination of substitution, distraction, and purging. I substituted my time talking with her on the phone with talking with other friends (male and female). I distracted myself by playing (and becoming fairly proficient at) Halo 3, and working out. Lastly, I began to purge her from memory by deleting her from my cell phone, AIM/MSN contacts, deleting every electronic file that possibly related to her (music included), and collecting every little physical artifact from the relationship and throwing it in a garbage bag. After collecting every letter, every picture, and every other article that reminded me of her, I placed the bag of memories in a closet for a few months. After a few months of this, I got the bag out of the closet and dumped it in the trash at my apartment complex. I think everyone is different, but I find that the emotions felt after a break up are difficult to deal with because of the emotional and physical conditioning of the relationship on me. In romantic relationships people are conditioned emotionally through frequent communication (through which they are able to confide in someone, talk about their day, etc.) and physically through being romantically intimate or having physical interaction with another person. Thus, when someone’s relationship ends, they feel an emptiness in a space that was once filled.  For me, although there is no easy solution with dealing with a break up, one solution that works for me is reconditioning. -JB

  • @janieishme -WELL spoken, I have been on both receiving ends. When you feel that person is right for you and you are dumped, that is the worst blow to your ego that you can possibly get. If you are the one dumping, well that’s spectacular because you don’t have to deal with the problems associated with being dumped. The dumper is looked at as the person who figured it out first and pretty much deserves the medal in life. HMMMM. The last breakup I had, I worked out, lost weight, and was very outgoing… in a sense looking for myself again. People lose theirselves in an unstable relationship and bottom line is if you’re a lost soul, you’re going to be hurt no matter what.

  • I’m so blessed I have found the right man for me. 

  • Being in such a break up, I would lose any will to do anything and just stand there, staring at the walls. I’ve been in a long term relationship (4 years and counting, less than a year to our wedding) and, as many couples, we’ve had our ups and downs. Sometimes I felt that life was trying to make us part so badly maybe I had to give up, but even if we thought about breaking up we never actually did. During those moments, I always became depressed. I didn’t want to do anything, let alone talk to anyone apart from him. But that would have been a break up where we were still in love with each others. On the other hand, if I went thorough a break up because my boyfriend was a douche…then yes, I would try and look my best, I would try and make him regret every single bad thing he did to me. Oh yes, I would try and get a little bit of revenge!

  • depends on whom i broke up with. sometimes long relationships get old so breaking up is liberating but if it’s someone i legitimately cared for, it takes years and i don’t know how to handle myself. 

  • I just ended a 2 yr relationship, of being engaged, planning a wedding and was happy but in denial somehow blind by love. It was a month and a half or so of more and more arguments and texting on his part to another girl and more drinking. I know I wasn’t and am not perfect but I still ask what did I do so wrong? I will never get that answer. I mentally moved on knowing he’s a douchebag and a lying cheating butthead.. I still haven’t been able to emotionally move on. As you stated, I don’t think I will be able to completely move on until the next guy comes along and sweeps me off my feet. I will never understand what went so wrong, being the simple fact we hardly argued and seemed like everything was great of course not perfect and had disagreements here and there. I see others fighting alll the time and we weren’t even close to that until near the end. I wasn’t going to have it continue and I ended it, even though I ended it. It still hurts so much. 2010 was definitely a horrible year for most relationships.I been dealing, it’s very hard. I stopped all contact.. Praying everytime I step outside I don’t see him and his new pregnant girlfriend (broke up in April she got preg in around Aug). soo much for love huh? I can’t really explain. it’s all an emotional journey from here on out of how one deals with such heartache.

  • @behindthedimples - you have just described me in my entirety these days… how scarey! i need to get a hold of myself

  • My boyfriend of nearly six years broke up with me two months ago.  I cried for about a week and then moved on with my life.  I know neither of us were truly happy in the relationship.  We’re still friends and I think it helps to keep your ex as a friend when it’s a mutual break up.  About a month or so after we broke up, I went out with a friend from high school to a couple bars and just had a good time.  I’ve been far from reckless in my actions…and I don’t intend on becoming so.  I’m not that kind of person…I’m really very shy.  But I’m just working on moving on.  Finishing school.  Becoming a better person.

  • The last relationship I was in lasted over five years. I hate to say it, but it didn’t take me very long to get over it. I also hate to say it, but it was more of a “logical, strategic” choice to break up than anything. We had talked about marriage, and he was actually on the verge of proposing. I’m not sure how I got over it. I knew I was going to be sad (obviously), so I just embraced it and let it run its course. Within about a month, I was good. I guess it helped it was a long-distant relationship nearly the whole time.

  • ive been in a relationship 3 and a half years. im feeling that way now. i wish i could feel relieved

  • To be honest, it is true…a lot of females have a hard time letting go…and I am one of them. I try and forget but the thing that really sucks is that sometimes the people that you are trying to let go of try and contact you…then your like “Damn it!” you know what I am saying? Especially when you least expected it.

  • @explosive - it wouldnt mean it was all for nothing if you did break up. you do whats right for the both of you if that means breakin up or not. i am the same way with my bf but its only been a year and im completely mentally exhausted dealing with our differences. Sometimes i want to break it off cause I do not want to be in a position like yours, but hes the one that is pushin to make us work and i stick with him cause he has faith- which is something i dont embody.       Do what will benefit you and him in the end, you can only change yourself so much to suit your mate before you lose yourself completely. 

  • easy peasy. most relationships hit their rocky roads (if they last at all) at about year 3. if not year 3, then by year 7. if you sail through year 7 in bliss, then by year 16 there are definitely going to be problems, questions. if there is one little question or problem after 16 years, dump the person immediately and start looking for someone younger and more attractive.  : )

  • I’ve had two long-term relationships, and I was the dumper in both. I felt exactly what you described – relief. Feeling that way means that I was probably ready for the relationship to end long before it did, I just kept making excuses or thinking things would change. I’ve learned that if something doesn’t feel right, it’s not. I shouldn’t hold on to something because I think things could change. Sure, relationships take work.. but you shouldn’t force something that isn’t going to happen. Good post.

  • Two of my friends recently went through a breakup, and I feel sympathetic for them, but sometimes its just too much. One of them is actually trying to move on, and is doing well. While the other one just bashes her ex, yet she acts all flirty with him when she’s around. She just can’t stop talking about him and can’t seem to move on. It’s so frustrating because I put a year worth of effort for her but yet she never listens to me. Then, I have to deal with it all over again because she screws herself over again. She sets herself up for another disappointment, even though I warn her. It sucks being the good friend sometimes because eventually you get tired of hearing all that crap and you just don’t want to care anymore.

  • Night of, I go out drinking with some good friends. Next two weeks, whitening my teeth and working out like a demon. Cranking up the Korn.I try to give myself something to look forward to, like I’m about to see The Blue Man Group with some friends, and the week after that, I’m going to be a Hold ‘Em dealer at a charity event (while looking damn hot in my stilettos). I think sometimes the “typical crying girl part” comes before the end of the relationship, especially if you’re the one to end it. You struggle with the problems first– it just depends on how much each of you can work it out, or is willing to. After that, you just go on with your life as best you can.

  • I am closing that part of my mind off atm, and opening my eyes to the eyecandy around me!!!  Yummy!  I am off my birthcontrol though because it makes me nuts and because I don’t want to become the neighborhood pony.  I’m trying to avoid rebounding.

  • It’s really hard to move on. At least for me. It’s amazing how you can move on after being with someone for so long. I wish I could do that.

  • I kinda take the female approach. And then the male approach. :D

  • It is good to see you verbalize from the heart and your clarity on this important subject can be easily observed. Tremendous post and will look forward to your future update. Sexual Harassment

  • Excellent information. Very helpful. I appreciate you for sharing.

  • I’m sorry this comment is late, but really you’re gonna need a support system. It may sound gay or fruity but my friends actually were the ones who helped me through it. That, combined with self-improvement, and time really helped me get over my ex-girlfriend. Although, I still do have recurring thoughts about who she’s with, it really shouldn’t matter to me anymore. She’s not my girlfriend, but its hard to let go.

  • “I always felt that if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time (years) and you’re not sure if they’re the one for you, chances are, they’re not.”Oh boy. I’ve been in that spot before, and you’re right.

  • Oddly enough the way this relates most to me right now is that my boyfriend and I have been talking about getting engaged and talking about being married, and then sometimes I have this fear that he’ll change his mind and decide he doesn’t want to marry me after all.When I said something like “If” we get married, he got all worried even though I tried to explain that I just didn’t want him to feel like I was pressuring him (even though he’s the one who brought up engagement in the first place) and he said he won’t change his mind and wants to be with me.I really hope that’s true because at this point if we don’t end up getting married and actually break up for whatever reason I’ll be really sad. I think I’d have a hard time dating again for a long time, and I’d probably have higher standards for my relationships from here on out because I never even wanted a serious relationship or marriage before him and now I feel like I’d be wasting my time looking for anything less. 

  • so true. i just got out of an almost 2 yr relationship. i knew it was over way long ago i just wanted to try and make things work. it didn’t help the breakup though i still felt hurt but i think it was more feeling pathetic and ashamed for wasting my time with a guy i knew was wrong for me. but its a live and learn process. i will never make that mistake again. 

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  • hands down! time heals everythinggg~

  • I was in an abusive relationship for two years, but I didn’t know any better because it was the first time a guy told me he loved me, it was the first time I had been engaged, and also because I was young, naieve and felt trapped. This guy told me that he was the only one who would ever be able to deal with my drama, mood swings, and personality. I had a rough time in high school, I did the goth thing, and always feeling like an outcast made me grab on and hold tight when finally someoen wanted to be in my life and care for me.Eventually I opened my eyes, I saw that I was turning into a bad person, and I saw that the person I was with was horrible as well. I stayed for way to long. I stayed through fist fights, throwing things through windows, cheating on eachother, because after each time we fought it was better for a minute. But then it didnt get better when we fought only worse, we stopped being intimate, we stopped talking to eachother, we could not get along and we were bringning my roomate and best friend into all of our fights.I finally did what I had to do, I kicked him out, threw his things off of the balcony, was a little violent, but he got the picture and left. Unfortunatly I was thrown in jail for assult and after getting out a week later came home to find all of my things missing, stolen, money from my bank account gone, xbox and games gone, all that was left were clothes in the closet and a sheetless bed. I called my dad, he sent me a bus ticket back home, I was in texas and lived in michigan.I did try to call the guy back, I missed him, his company and his affection. But he quickly found another girl to victimize and abuse. I moved on, I found another guy to like, my heart moved on. But i went into another relationship too fast, with a guy who was not ready either, We had ups and downs, fights and breakups and went through too much with eachother. I couldnt let go of this new guy, because I knew that he was in the same relationship I was in, but worse. He has kids, two beautiful children, and the girl he was with could use those kids against him if he was with someone else and not her. But i fought, and helped him get out of the bad place he was in. He took longer to get out of that relationship, he was trapped for ten years and I had to wait even longer for him to get over her and see me again, but it was worth it.We are living together, I have a ring on my finger, we are fighting for custody of the kids, but not fighting with eachother. I am happy. I am in a healthy relationship, there are no doubts. I will spend the rest of my life with this man.I think men and women both have blind eyes when it comes to bad in a relationship, we always hope we will be the one to make someone change, and over time I have realized that you have to love soemoen for who they are not who you want them to be, and love means accepting someone in good and bad times. Love means monogamy. It means trust and compassion, faithfulness and support.If you need help getting out of a bad relationship, please contact someone, or even talk to me. I have some wisdom to share, or a car to run your would be ex over!

  • I would like to offer a little imput on your opinions of dating and breaking up.Men and Women primarly seek out partners for the same reason. Subconsiously both sexes are searching for a replacement of their parental figures. Men most commonly seek out women similar to their their mothers and women seek out men similiar to their fathers. This offers both sexes comfort and stability. The reason why people make such poor selections during this process is based on a number of issues. Its really not rocket science ethier. Men and Women alike both believe that relationships will solve other problems that they have in their lives. Men use the sex in the relationships to improve their male ego and self esteem and women use the romance and attention as a form of “confirmation” that they are desirable and wanted. The man and the woman fail to pay attention to any real qualities that they actually love about them selves. Both the man and the woman both look foolish because niether of them have any idea who they are themselves or what amazing qualities they lack because they are to busy trying to feed off off eachother for acceptance, power, love, pleasure-or whatever the hell you wanna call it….They blame eachother, they say relationships suck and that women are drama queens and men are sick pigs. This dance can go on for many people until the day they die.The guys like you who are relieved that the relationship is over should not even be getting in relationships in the first place until you learn to get a boner over the fact that you understand exactly who you are. If your relieved that a relationship is over then you never had the balls to tell her you wanted to break up in the first place you waited for her because it was more important to get laid. That is because you have no self respect and would rather waste your time getting laid and being miserable arguing with a needy woman who is looking for her dad in you then bettering yourself the genuine way.Your friends call because no one wants to be alone. People want to hear it’s going to be ok. People are also selfish by nature. So you may not hear from them when they are content but when they are frightened or angry or sad then they show up again. All of us have been guilty of that at one point in our lives.Men get angry at breakups because men convert sadness into anger due to the mail ego. Men do not like to be embarassed and they do not like to feel sad as they feel it is not masculine and it weakens them. The truth is accepting those feelings actually makes a man more rational and much stronger.Women weep because they learned once again that they cannot fix their problems with a man. They learn that they keep looking for men that are just like their abusive fathers etc….Obviously this is not every single person but it is the majority.Relationships can be amazing but it takes two amazing people to create an amazing relationship. Men and Women- find out what makes you amazing first. Love and respect yourself first so you can love and respect others for their Amazing qualities. If you dont know how then you cant handle a relationship. Go learn how! Most Important….Accept your faults and mistakes. Admit to them. WE ALL HAVE THEM. This is what makes us amazing. Once you do this. Gals Give blow jobs like there is no tomorrow and men learn how to really go down on a women. Not that pokey tongue bull crap. because you both will experience the most mind blowing relationship ever after you figure out what I have just explained to you.My new blog will always offer info about how people work. No bullshit. No lies. Good luck to all you horny hounds.

  • I’m not sure how to deal with them anymore… not this time anyway. My girlfriend of several years broke up with me a couple months ago… and it hurt a lot. On top of being so close we were basically best friends… so after the break-up we tried to be friends for a while… but then she stopped talking to me… and then she started making it seem like she wanted to make things work… and then she stopped talking to me… and then one of her friends started telling me it was because she slept with another man while we were together… and then she blows up my phone telling me how much she loves me and how she’s been doing things all wrong and says that she never slept with anybody else… and then after a couple dates and stuff, she comes back again and tells me she’s never felt a real physical connection with me… over the last couple years… seriously!?!?! I’d have an easier time believing that if we weren’t all over each other so often when we were together…But I don’t know what to think anymore. I miss her so damn much. And when she was saying the physical connection thing she kept telling me how much she loved me and loved everything about me… those aren’t words you just throw around ya know? Needless to say I’m just soooo confused right now.*sigh*… So far though, I godda say I’m dealing with this by talking to EVERYBODY! Just like what you mentioned up there! I’m not sure why but talking about it and blogging about it makes me feel a little better about things.  For now I’m just going to try and focus on my life and try to get her out of my mind… and eat lots of ice cream! :)

  • I’ve done incredibly well in getting over my ex-fiance.

  • Hi, It is indeed sad when a relationship comes to an end. All of a sudden you need to relearn how to be by yourself and it doesn’t make it easy when places you visited together reminds you of that person. Being a man, I see my male friends move on very quickly and I wish that I could have been the same. I guess for me, I just beleive that I met my true love in her. Ever since I encounted her presence, her fragrance, her exquisite smile, Iv’e been shaped by her hands. I have been in love with her for over 18 years. And as much as I was forced to move on with my life, I will always remember her fondly. I still think that a pure love can exist without needing physical contact. Lust would never last so long anyway.So, let me conclude by saying…It is not easy, not easy at all. I feel for any of you out there who pines for a loved one. 

  • I think the way you deal with a breakup has a lot to do with whether you were the one who initiated it. I’ve been on both ends of the rope before – when I was the person who was being dumped, I cried and suffered and walked around with a perpetual cloud over my head for quite some time. More recently, I was the only who decided to end a long 5 year relationship (actually, it was the diss[urlhttp://nfljerseyonlineshop.com/kaneblog[/url][urlhttp://nfljerseyonlineshop.com[/url][urlhttp://kaneonlinestore.com[/url]

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  • Its very important to recognise that most people use other people to fix what they feel inside or to compensate for some percieved lack in themselves. The more a person is attached to someone outside themselves to provide comfort and self-esteem. the deeper the hurt and pain and fear of the loss of that person. This idea is difficult to grasp, the idea of loving someone for exactly who they are….and deciding what you need to have a joy filled life, not getting angry at someone because they werent the “fix” we need to feel better about ourselves. I think about the way I love my kids. I never expect anything back from them…I love them no matter what. I think we too easily discard relationships. Too easliy discard people because they hassle us and we think we should be in a smooth relationship. Thats ridiculous. People are flawed. I think its much more unusual to stick with some one, get counseling, try to work things out, turn the light toward yourself. Thats the real key, most people place the blame on the other when in fact it is usually ourselves being subversive and working out our stuff on another person. You must be able to be completely honest about yourself first. I admire people who stick with their partner when the chips are down. Love is love. If someone loses an arm or a leg or is facially disfigured or has mental issues due to early life trauma should we move on because we deserve a full life with someone who has a fully functioning body or mind? Is that the way we want to be loved? Is that really love?

  • My ex and I were together for 3 years. We were supposed to be married two weeks from now.  In April he decided to cheat on me. I was devastated at first. I didnt get out of bed for a full week. But at the end of that week, it was like a switch, from on to off. I was done, done with him, being sad, and being upset all the time. I spent that week sorting everything out in my bed..and when I was done I felt ok again. I needed to grieve and after that I’m ok.

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  • it’s interesting how many people commented that they knew the relationship was going to end long before the actual breakup. I choke this up to that initial attraction (call it lust) that draws us to a person, which pretty much blinds us to his/her true self. We project our own feeling, we fill in blanks. But then reality sets in, and you have so much vested already, that you try to make it work.  Sometimes for years and year and years, until it just doesn’t feel good any more.To answer your question directly, by the time I was divorced from my husband, there was so much hostility due to a custody battle that replaced love, there were no feeling to deal with.  We have a child though, and still have to communicate. It just sucks. I can’t have any regrets because that relationship is just part of my life.  You just have to go on.   So, no, I didn’t feel anything — anger or  depression or shoe buying! In terms of behavior, though, I felt free. And like many other women in my boat I went through the “butterfly” stage, meeting and dating new men and really enjoying my new found freedom and finding proof that other people, even if not my ex, found me desirable and fun to be with. 

  • This song by Neil Sedaka pretty much says it all.  Breaking up is hard to doDon’t take your love away from meDon’t you leave my heart in miseryIf you go then I’ll be blue’Cause breaking up his hard to doRemember when you held me tightAnd you kissed me all through the nightThink of all that we’ve been throughBreaking Up Is Hard To DoThey say that breaking up is hard to doNow I know, I know that it’s trueDon’t say that this is the endInstead of breaking up I wish that we were making up againI beg of you, don’t say goodbyeCan’t we give our love another tryCome on baby, let’s start a new’Cause breaking up is hard to do Each break up is different & each person in it will handle it their own way… I don’t think there’s any one way to handle it… In my case, I threw myself into my job (before I retired)…  resolved any questions I had about the ‘why it happened’…  then quietly moved on with my life…  I’ve learned that I am very capable of taking care of myself…  have no problems being alone & have found the joy of doing almost anything I chose without having to involve another person…   Would I like to be in a relationship again….  absolutely yes…  will I be unable to live if I don’t…  absolutely not…   if it happens…  my life will become richer for sharing with another…  if it doesn’t… my life will be as rich as I wish to make it on my own…  It’s all good!

  • The problem is that many today want to have just a friendship to be more than it is, or put the main accent on the thing what does not hold a marriage or friendship together, namely sex, and commit themselves to one person too early in their life. Often instead of taking enough time to their study thy waste a lot of their time in a relationship that has an expiration date,

  • As you said, when something ends, something new begin. This is the perfect phrase for ending relationships

  • After I get out of a relationship I just keep the mentality that if it’s meant to be it will work out if not well then let it go…Theres someone better for you out there… :) I have never put myself down over something so dumb like that…You are born alone and die alone(In the sense you are not gonna at the same time as the person you are with if you are with someone…) So why bother wasting valuable time over it?

  • Thank you for writeing this, its made me see things in a new way and I realy needed a wake up call.

  • 1

  • Would you just listen and please don’t say a word, just yet,I’d like you to think back to the very first timewe met,How you felt around me? The memories we shared,And just remember that once upon a time, you really cared.Now think about how we parted, and how much I cried,But please don’t speak, remember that I never ever lied,That I told you the honest truth about why we were to split,But now I’d like you to know that my heart broke bit by bit.The pain was deep, unbearable and painful, for so many years,I’ll never forget all the sadness, all the uncontrollable tears,Slowly I am rebuilding my life, I am content with what I’ve got,And although it is hard I am beginning to forget what I have not.You were a special part of my life that I will never forget,A part of my life that broke my heart, but that I don’t regret,You gave me some happy memories that I’ll keep in my heart,Although sometimes I wish that you and I didn’t have to part.You were my first love and my true love, that will always be so,After all of the heartache, sadness and never ending pain, I know,You and I had something special and that willnever change,Because I love you and loving someone else will always seem strange.Would you just listen and please don’t say a word, not ever,I’d like you to remember that once upon a time, we said forever,That I had hopes and dreams, that I was the one who threw them away,And this is something I will always regret until my dying dayso relationship Never Ends…it goes…

  • Would you just listen and please don’t say a word, just yet,I’d like you to think back to the very first timewe met,How you felt around me? The memories we shared,And just remember that once upon a time, you really cared.Now think about how we parted, and how much I cried,But please don’t speak, remember that I never ever lied,That I told you the honest truth about why we were to split,But now I’d like you to know that my heart broke bit by bit.The pain was deep, unbearable and painful, for so many years,I’ll never forget all the sadness, all the uncontrollable tears,Slowly I am rebuilding my life, I am content with what I’ve got,And although it is hard I am beginning to forget what I have not.You were a special part of my life that I will never forget,A part of my life that broke my heart, but that I don’t regret,You gave me some happy memories that I’ll keep in my heart,Although sometimes I wish that you and I didn’t have to part.You were my first love and my true love, that will always be so,After all of the heartache, sadness and never ending pain, I know,You and I had something special and that willnever change,Because I love you and loving someone else will always seem strange.Would you just listen and please don’t say a word, not ever,I’d like you to remember that once upon a time, we said forever,That I had hopes and dreams, that I was the one who threw them away,And this is something I will always regret until my dying dayso,,relationship Never Ends

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  • http://facebook.com/jane.frieman, http://twitter.com/rynkmanAs a mature woman of 60 years, wisdom comes to the aid of my day to day existence. Having been married for almost 30 years, the last 10 of them where my husband wanted nothing to do with me, I sigh relief to be free from that problem. Another part of my thinking questions why he wanted to divorce. Has his feelings changed for me, etc. As 10 years go by since the divorce, I see that he has been living with his aging mother for several years while I manage to stay afloat in my condo. Who can he blame now for his life circumstance? Grant it that I lost my job over a year ago and my existence has been on government assistance, I find that spreading good karma around is a positive thing to do. Being proactive is another in this corporate greed world. Be helpful, thankful, and friendly to friends and neighbors. Kindness is rewarding and goes a long way.

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  • Learn from others. There are some things you just don’t need to experience yourself. Touch fire, get burnt.Watch other people touch fire, they get burnt but you learn from them never to touch fire bare hand. Relationship is one of those things where you don’t know what the right ‘tool’ might be to touch that fire with. Then again, I would suggest; let other people try the different ‘tools’ if it doesn’t work, at least you’ll learn from their experiments.

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