July 25, 2011
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Maturity between men and women
An interesting conversation came up this weekend concerning a mutual friend who recently got out of a long relationship. Since the breakup, he has been noticiably happier, smiling more than any of us has ever seen him. Anyway, a couple of us dissected the relationship and it was interesting hearing what the women thought versus the guys.
One person thought it had to do with timing. In fact, I think she always thinks relationships fail because of timing–if the two people were at different points in their lives, it could have worked. If they were more mature, it may have worked out. The reality of the situation was that neither was who the other wanted, both with flaws that were dealbreakers to the other. Both thought the pros out-weighed the cons, but it came to the point where there were arguements were daily and patience was wearing thin.
My response to the aspect of timing is that it really boils down to maturity. Maturity in men and women is really different. Typical/generally speaking. a man might never truly know what he wants until he has it, whereas for women, they tend to have a good idea of what they want. Men can only begin to understand what’s in his possession and decide for himself. I think a boy becomes a man when through is experiences, he realizes what he doesn’t want. This step is important because his whole life changes and while he doesn’t have any specific direction to go in, he knows what to avoid. Unfortunately, age doesn’t really correlate because a guy can be in his 30′s and still not know what he doesn’t want.
Although I attribute maturity for men as knowing what they don’t want, I think the difference between a girl and a woman, is when they understand which battles to fight. Girls tend to fight every battle, while women understand that some battles are worth forfeiting. The difference here is control versus support. Girls always want to be in control by fighting for it, but women gain control as a by-product by offering support.
With that said, I think it’s hard for girls and boys to have a successful relationship. The girl will mature at an earlier age. The difference between her between 22 and 26 are drastic. But for guys, there may have been very little growth between 22 and 30. I think it is not because men are mentally inferior, but that society has allowed them to take their time. There’s no reason to rush. Men typically don’t think about marriage until they’re in a serious relationship. They can become fathers without being a husband first. And lastly, most men feel they always need to have a strong grasp in their career before thinking about marriage, which may take many years. Without the conscious drive to be actively seek out someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with, they may not come to the realization of how to make such a decision until they have to.
Now that my friend is single, he still may not know exactly what he wants. However, the failed relationship has given him clarity in terms of what he doesn’t want in a girl and that is a big step.
Comments (26)
Wow, a very wise remark on relationships. I think you are absolutely right about the maturity. I also got out of a serious relationship lately, and I can relate to your friend. It is important to know what we want and you do have to weigh the pros and cons. Her cons were too much for me, and I’ve always been trying to avoid it. But arguments kept rising and we were always circling around the problem without a solution. No one was willing to adjust. It became a deal breaker.
I like how u compared maturity in relationships with how people think versus their chronological age. I think what men & women value in each other changes with time & yes, maturity. What I want now & how I conduct myself now @ 27 y/o is much different than the woman I was @ 24.
Maturity is understanding which battles to forfeit to win the war. It’s discarding the irrelevant pieces so that you can focus on winning the prize, preserving our values, protecting the person we care about. It’s learning that, in life, we can try to take individual pieces aggressively and haphazardly, or we can try to methodically gain control over the whole chess board.
”Girls tend to fight every battle, while women understand that some battles are worth forfeiting.” I’m writing a really similar entry right now about the difference between boys and men haha. Looks like we’re on the same page buddy!
that’s very true, especially the part about guys. Most of my guy friends who have gotten out of relationships always end up saying “the next girl I date gotta be this this and this”, traits that the past ex’s didn’t have.
Another issue is that human beings are always changing. The person you marry today will not be the same person 10, 30, or 50 years later. Likewise, we won’t be the same person ourselves either in that span of time, which compounds the problem.
I agree with everything you’ve said. So true about the maturity difference between men and women, as well as its correlation to age. Props!
Agreed! Another thing to consider is the recent phenomenon of so-called “lad culture” – which is, society allows men to take much more time maturing into adult responsibilities than would have been allowed of us in past generations, and perhaps even encourages such.
Our grandfathers, for example, left high school to go into the workforce or attend college. Upon reaching maturity, men were expected to take care of themselves, and their young families. Many got corporate jobs, had children, etc. A lot of men in that era had a wife, baby, home, and new car by 30, if not before.
Today, however, we are allowed to retain some sense of our adolescence often throughout our 20s, even well into our 30s. You see this also with some current men’s magazines and the popularity of goofball guy comedies like “The 40 Year Old Virgin,” “The Hangover,” etc. Men are socially accepted to act like boys well into their adult years. Good post!
I think the analogy of battles and war in a relationship is a bit haphazard. anyone making those analogies isn’t in a healthy relationship, or doesn’t have the right mindset. you shouldn’t “fight” any “battles” in a loving relationship. when i think “battles,” i see both sides getting entrenched in their ways, bunkering down on the defense, and ready to lash out at the sight of any vulnerability. i wouldn’t call that love personally.
rather, i think a long-lasting relationship hinges on communication, patience, and an earnest desire to understand, embrace, and build one another. it doesn’t matter how compatible people think they are or if they knew exactly what they want, if they don’t have the fundamental cornerstones in place, they can’t build a healthy relationship.
You know what sucks? When you feel like you finally figured out what you want and don’t want…and somebody comes in to mess that whole theory up. Oh those exceptions.
thanks jigg. this is very true! i don’t pick battles or fights though. it gets boring but that’s the only way to keep it quiet right
@coolmonkey - True. We do change and that’s a big piece of the equation.
@davidian - You have a point there. and it’s a great one.
Men need to be raised to shoulder responsibility, as a rule, far more than many are, even now. Being able to handle responsibility causes one to really know oneself. This, in turn, lends itself to knowing what one wants in a mate, or a friend. I was fortunate in that respect, and know several men who have made good choices that have endured over time. Being in a rush is definitely not an option.
Relationships aren’t about control. Anybody who looks at arguments as battles or wars that must be won against their SO will ultimately lose, because the truth is you’re on the same side and arguments are just an obstacle you have to overcome together.
What we don’t want in one moment, we may want in another…the only constant is change.
Holy shit. Everything you said was true. And although I knew what wasn’t working in my relationship, you just uncovered for me everything I had missed.
Nice post Jigg. It’s exactly why I continue to read your blog, very precise observations that I could not articulate out loud. Keep it up!
“Girls tend to fight every battle, while women understand that some battles are worth forfeiting.” This, somehow, sticks out to me the most.
interesting… i live in an environment where the boys are forced to think about responsibility and marriage at a yougher age, so this post does give a clearer perspective on why the society in the west look so different..
Interesting POV. I liked it.
My mom used physical violence a lot.
@Southeast_Beauty - Me too.
And then, there comes a time when the guy realizes he just lost what he really wanted and she will never go back. *sigh* And still, life must go on…
@Roadlesstaken - Just like from “He’s just not that into you” !
i think most of the points have little to do with gender. It’s pretty universal, not knowing what you want and fighting a pathetic fight until you just feel bitter about everything around because you think you are defending something worthwhile. unless you are trying to say society encourages this to occur for a specific gender, then i can’t say i agree.
Clarity is the best assurance one can have, so it’s good that he feels that way. I hate it when my perspective gets all blurry.
This was a very insightful post. Though it did not tell me too many things I hadn’t figured out already by observing my peers and friends, as well as my parents and their peers, I did find a couple of noteworthy things, and I’m also glad that some people in my generation devote some time to thinking about these kinds of things.
Could you explain this one bit of your entry?
“Girls tend to fight every battle, while women understand that some battles are worth forfeiting. The difference here is control versus support. Girls always want to be in control by fighting for it, but women gain control as a by-product by offering support.”
I don’t quite understand if you mean disagreements in a relationship or something else. Also, how do women gain control in a relationship by offering support? (I’m with those who are iffy with the idea of one party gaining “control”, but for my question’s sake, I’m working with the wording.)