August 30, 2007

  • Girl friend vs. Girlfriend

    I was talking to my friend last night over dinner and we were talking about how my mom cannot wait for me to get a girlfriend. She calls me like every other day to chit-chat and would conveniently ask me if I had a girlfriend yet. It’s always the same question and she is always disappointed with my answer. I couldn’t care less, but after a while it gets really annoying. I guess it’s equally annoying to her that I’m not making any effort to find someone. Oh well. My life right?

    Anyways, my friend asked me what if I found that girl. Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT looking for the perfect girl. I am not even looking for the perfect girl for me, though I would like to find that person. How can anyone ever know that the girl they like is perfect? You don’t because a girl as a friend is totally different as a girlfriend. You will never know how she is in a relationship even if she is your bestfriend and “tells you everything.” There are just too many things that are said and done behind closed doors that people on the outside would not know.

    It is no secret that girls treat their friends different than their boyfriends. Guys on the otherhand are different in my opinion. Just by hanging out with them a lot, you can sort’ve get a feel of who they are and how they would be in a relationship. One of the reasons is that guys are pretty consistent creatures. An honest guy would almost always be honest and an asshole would always be one. Girls always make the mistake of trying to change their boyfriends. Guys just rarely change because they are simple and tend to stick to what they know/who they are. I’m generalizing of course because we all certainly know guys who are inconsistent or guys who actually do change.

    Girls on the other hand are constantly changing, especially after a relationship. They unconsciously feel that whatever messed up thing a guy did to her, all guys are capable of such actions and therefore she should protect herself. That’s fine except that you can’t treat every guy the same based on those bad experiences. Guy A is not the same as Guy B, therefore they shouldn’t be treated the same. Just to be fair, guys are sometimes like that, though I know more guys who learn nothing from previous relationships and continue to make the same mistakes over and over.

    Bottom line is, you can know a girl really well as a friend, but you would never know how she is as a girlfriend. There are only certain traits you can see/find out like interests, likes/dislikes, etc. There are just certain thing that you can only find out if you date her– which makes things so much harder for people like me.  It’s been almost 5 years since I’ve been with anyone and I don’t casually date.  I have friends and I meet new people all the time.  I think that I would much rather really get to know someone as a friend before considering taking things a step further.  I know that I won’t know how the girl would be as a girlfriend, but you can always look for similarities of likes and interests.  And if the person was open enough, you’d really get to see certain personality traits that you may like or dislike. 

    EDIT:  Whether you agree or disagree with what I think, understand that this is my opinion and that it is based on my own experiences.  I am positive that there is really no consensus here because everyone is different.  However, I would like to re-illustrate the point that I am generalizing and that besides from my own experiences, I have no other things to back up what I say.  So for those of you who don’t agree with me, that’s fine.  I’m not going to knock on your opinion and say that you are wrong.  And for those who agree with me, you simply see things from my point-of-view. 

    However, one point that I would like to address is that some people have misunderstood/misinterpreted my point and it is very possible that it is my fault for wording/phrasing my entry like this.  One person pointed out that “friendship shouldn’t be a way of ‘testing the waters.’”  I cannot agree with her more.  Friendship should be based on good/positive intentions of what friendship is all about and should not be a way to get with someone.  One shouldn’t have ulterior motives (as she pointed out) when becoming friends with someone.  I do not make friends because I hope to find someone.  If feelings develop or interests spark–is something that happens and not because there was any intentions at the beginning of the friendship. 

    With that said, I do believe that it is a good idea to be friends first before becoming lovers–same idea as living together before getting married.  I think it’s always better to get a good understanding of the person you want to be with before going into a commitment (despite how statistics show that living together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce). 

Comments (547)

  • I most def concur on the fact that girls treat friends and bf differently…sometimes we can joke about things w/ friends that we otherwise wouldn’t with bf because we’re afraid to be judged…or think that he like us less.

    So I often wonder how to the relationships where the guy and girl are good friends to begin with work out.

  • I have never known a man who didn’t carry a ton of emotional baggage after the age of 25 (or whenever their first love and heartbreak occurred). For a while I decided I was no longer dating men my age as I couldn’t deal with their emotional paranoia. It has always been my experience that men hold their hurt close while women are much more likely to give new lovers the benefit of the doubt despite previous experience. They seem more confident in their emotional resilience.
    The thing about girls is that they aren’t different with their friends than with their lovers. If you pay attention you’ll notice they’re quite consistent. Boys just don’t pay attention. Bottom line, we are essentially the same but completely incapable of seeing it. That’s where all the trouble lies.
    And the thing is, if the girls you know are fickle and wayward, if they are bitter and unable to recover from emotional wounds, then you might try and find some new girls to hang out with…
    g.

  • you must be doing this from your iphone. there are handful of spelling errors, but otherwise that’s pretty crazy you wrote all that up too. haha.

    anyway, i agree on some level of what you said.

  • I think actually somewhat differently from you.  I’ve had [guy] friends comment about my status as a girlfriend- not that they wanted to date me, but through hanging out with me, they could see that I was, in their eyes, a good girlfriend.  I never cheated, obviously, nor did I go and talk/flirt with other guys, etc.- standards but also what struck a friend of mine was once when we went shopping and I picked up some stuff thoughtfully for my SO at the time.  It was stupid little things like a trash can, but my friend noticed and said that I obviously care about someone enough to even think of something silly (well, practical, but you know) to get someone like that. 

    Also, my guy friends, I can definitely generally tell how they are in a relationship even when they’re single because many of them have hobbies that they are “too” into.  Like so much so that you can tell they will always want to spend all their time/money on that hobby.  Even if they switch their focus to their gf, that’s not a good thing because in some cases, less is more.  I guess I sound judgemental but I’m not trying to be, just trying to say that objectively, one can usually tell how a person- male or female- is in a relationship without being in a relationship with them.  Of course there are smaller things that you could never find out- how a person argues with an SO, for example- regardless of gender, but a lot of the key traits are displayed everyday.

  • a girl is usually a lot more demanding of a boyfriend than her guy friend. she might not know how different until a situation presents itself.

  • hmm…my hubby said i’m exactly what he expected.

  • “Bottom line is, you can know a girl really well as a friend, but you would never know how she is as a girlfriend.”

    I agree with you there.  I can only speak for myself, but when I’m with my guy friends, I tend to be very well… “guy-ish”.  I’m not sure how to describe it, but most guys who know me have always referred to me as “one of the guys” or something like that.  Not that I wear overalls and talk about cars, but you know… I don’t hold back, and tend to be pretty matter-of-fact.  Rational.   But when relationships come into play, I’m actually a pretty romantic, girly-girl, though I don’t outwardly do girly things, as well as those other things I do with guyfriends.  It’s just a matter of how much you chose to reveal to certain people, and I, for one, am a rather private person.  This is why my best guy friend, for example, was stunned to find out that I’m a hopeless romantic.  His reaction was something akin to: “Whoa… you’re a chick?” so… yeah.  

      I feel that a significant other is someone that yes, you can be your “public self” with… but also someone you can be ALL or yourself with.  It’s just different. 

    Though I wish you would elaborate on why you say this makes it harder for “people like you”.  Is this because you need to be friends first with someone you’d like to date?

  • girls are moooooody all the time and they just act according to what their hormones tell them at the moment. anyway as for the girlfriend thing, why not just date around until you find somebody to settle with? whoring yourself isnt necessarily a bad thing, if anything you can get some action to hold you over lol

  • iphone text recognition seems to be a wee bit off.

  • ehhh i think you’re overgeneralizing the genders. guys and girls both do the same things…change in relationships, expect the s.o. to change, become jaded with each hurtful relationship…it’s a human thing, not a gender-specific thing.

    i definately agree that people act differently in a relationship than in a frienship…there’s more involved and at stake in an intimate relationship than a friendship.

    you won’t casual date at all? not ness the “whoring yourself out” as yo_mama put it, but going on the occassional blind date or if a girl asks you out? if you’re not even accepting to possibilities, do you expect “the one” to drop into your lap instead? or are you just no where near wanting to be in a relationship? i dont think you have to be all earnest and over-the-top searching, but a sitting back and doing nothing doesn’t seem like the answer either. =P

  • i agree.  I think i’m a much better girlfriend than a girl friend.  but that’s just b/c a boyfriend is special and deserves the special attention whereas a boy friend is just a boy friend.  I’d treat him like any of my girl friends..minus the changing in front of him thing. 

  • oh and that iPhone is killing ur grammar/spelling.

  • “girls are constantly changing” that’s totally true!! girls get into a marriage with a guy thinking he’ll change (stop drinking beer, put down the toilet seat, stop watching porn) but he doesn’t. and guys get into a marriage with a girl thinking she won’t change but she does (gets fat, stops cooking). but there’s nothing wrong with getting into a relationship with a girl and then leaving when she’s not what you want. unless you’re the type who hates to find the wrong girlfriend.

  • so question…

    does that mean every guy friend should give every girl friend a chance? and vice versa?

    or do we throw in that factor of attraction as well?

    i want an iphone to play with but unfortunately, i am hooked on verizon’s service despite their disgustingly heinous selection of cellphones.

  • you seem to know a lot about people. quite interesting. you must be insanely observant.

  • That’s kinda funny, I wouldn’t date a guy unless I knew him fairly well (which defeats the purpose of dating to get to know someone). I’m probably just afraid of commitment though.

  • I AGREE..lol

    wut happened with the last girl..am i suppose to ask that here? =X

  • while reading your entry, i realized that girls should be careful of their current boyfriend hurting them the same way their ex did, but not because all guys act the same (they don’t). they should be careful because a lot of girls end up falling for the same types of guys. so it’s not so much that all guys are alike but all the guys she falls for are alike.

  • Once awhile, my mom often asked me that question whether I had a boyfriend yet…I told her no but she didn’t believe me…The reason I have trouble finding the guy is because I’m usually not attracted to guys who are interested in me, but I’m often attracted to those who aren’t interested in me =(. Plus, I don’t date guys whom I don’t have feeling for. I don’t date for fun because I feel it’s wrong to play around with someone’s heart. I want a long lasting relationship that looks to the future.

    Hope we both find our special someone soon :)

  • maybe you need to relax on the sweeping generalizations about grrrls … your ‘ insights ‘ if you can call it that , are rather superficial and a little more reflective of the teen drama shows on mtv than they are of real life … if you lose the preconceived notions you hold , you’ll enjoy the company of others better …

  • 2 years and 10 days single today.  :0)

  • Oh man, my dad told me about my mum. How she was the quietest girl there ever was… and then they got married, and now she won’t shut up. :)

    He said that in front of her too, she looked like she was going to poison his next meal. ^^”

  • we’ve all heard this before but I’ll say it again… girls want guys to change, but they don’t. Guys want girls to stay the same, but they don’t.

  • That’s so true about females

  • i think people in general are the same. everyone is capable of becoming jaded. everyone has walls. if you’re friends w/ the girl first & you treat her exactly as you would when she was just a friend & exactly as you would treat any other friend, that will probably be a problem. if you do a 180 & morph into someone else, that would probably be a problem too. depending on personality & compatibility, the kind of bf or friend you are to one person can be a totally different experience in the eyes of another person…

  • i have KP but i am NOT in love with kp.

  • i have KP, but i am NOT in love with kp.

  • hmmh.. interesting….

  • i’ll be the girlfriend. but i sure wont ever be the right girl. nor perfect, either. im a good girl friend, and a great girlfriend. guess that goes well with others. but u got me on that part where a lot of girls tend to assume once a guy made a mistake, all are the same. scary. cuz i feel that way sometimes.

    but i know that it’s not true. there’s a huge difference between knowing and feeling…

  • Gee! I think it’s natural for girls to protect themselves. That’s the way we were raised, differently so from boys. Girls were taught to watch out, steer clear of danger and maintain the peace… while on the other hand boys are brought up to fight back, be assertive, hunt.

    So you can’t really blame women for being slightly wary!

  • the only way you can truly know if someone is going to be compatible with you is to date them… really there is a lot held back by both parties that could be very important to the relationship. ive seen how some of my friends are with their significant others, but that is their unique interaction, and if the person were with me, we also would have our own unique interaction. odd how that changes isnt it?

  • i beg to differ on your generalizations. granted, there are many girls who change when they get into a relationship; they become more controlling, more needy, simply because they have someone to rely on, so they can be. personally, i dont usually change when i get into a relationship. to me, doing that is kind of shady. its like you meet someone, and see how they are, like how they are, then they completely change when you decide to take it to the next level. it would kind of kill the relationship if you ask me. i prefer to be genuine, with my guy friends and my boyfriend. because either way, i believe good relationships are based on friendship.

  • impressed by ur blog
    so true
    maybe i have to rethink about boys
    lol~

  • heh. funny we seem to have reached a similar point in our lives.
    I’ve been single for going on 5 years now too, and i’m really over casual dating. Everyone always wonders why I’m still single.
    Women are inscrutibly frustrating creatures aren’t they. I wrote something similar a while back.
    http://www.xanga.com/Chinkzilla/580817524/hi-youre-hot-but-can-we-be-friends-first.html

  • the constantly changing thing for girls – i’m so guilty of that. i think it’s more to do with the fact that there comes a point with everything hurtful in life, where you stand back and say, ‘ok, enough’. if i’ve dated a guy who loves brunettes, and we break up, i change my hair. if i said i wanted stability, i leave my job and travel. while saying this, i do think it can be a good thing. a change is as good as a holiday, right? and there is something wonderful about suddenly having opportunities to do things you didn’t quite realize you could before.

    in other related stuffs: friends of mine break up with their partners and date people polar opposites. been hard to take when you’ve really liked the old partner, but equally important, to keep an open mind for that friend. i am yet to make this particular change, but it seems to really work.

  • Experiences Can Change How People Think… I Wonder What You’ve Experienced… 5 Years Definitely Taught You Something…

  • hm, interesting topic to read. You seem to be very observant

  • i agree with you to an extent. i don’t think the gender necessarily matters. it’s the relationship itself, and it’s both parties. either/or…not necessarily both parties simultaneously. a couple i know grew up together and was pretty close. they talked about everything and anything. but once they started going out, the girl started holding back…afraid that whatever she says, the guy would take it too personally. joking around became hard because you can never tell if the other person means it or not. i mean, yeah, general joking, sure anybody can tell the difference, but there are different levels of it and how the person perceives the joke really can get hurtful.

    but once the girl starts opening up, the guy then in turn, held back. the couple aren’t insync anymore like they once were as best friends. you always have to think twice about what you have to say. as friends, it’s easier. the guy once said ‘my girlfriend’s my bestfriend, but she’s also my girlfriend. i can’t talk to her about stuff like i do with my bestfriend.’ which i think is pretty unfair. i mean, if you were able to talk to her before, why change that fact now? yes, you guys are going out now…but nothing’s changed. you’re still the same person you were before. sure, things may get rough and you fight but if you don’t talk to your girl/boy friend as a best friend, how are you suppose to fix it? talking to someone else and getting their point of view is a good start, but eventually you’re gonna have to talk to your girl/boy friend eventually.

    i don’t know, i’m just rambling. but this is just one couple’s experience. i’m pretty sure there are others they are similiar, though not entirely. but i’ve seen it where couples fair a lot better as friends rather than romantically involved. is it just part of human nature? =T

  • what do you mean
    “but you would never know how she is as a girlfriend.” ?
    you’ll know once you start dating her! =D

  • whoa! your right dude!

  • you tell it brother

  • I think this is way too generalized.
    I’ve met lots of guys who are hurt after relationships and change completely to protect themselves, and I know lots of girls who don’t change and go after the same type of guy over and over.

    I do agree that it’s easier to tell how a guy will be in a relationship simply because if a girl acted with all of her friends how she acts in a relationship, every guy she knows would be interested. Seriously. Guys are just not that picky when it comes to finding a girlfriend, in my opinion. I know lots of girls who say that their guy friends always end up liking them and wanting to be “more” and it happens to me a lot too.

    It’s not that girls aren’t being honest with their friends, it’s that they’re trying to avoid that awkwardness.

  • You fundamentally stated what is conceptually incorrect with the nature of feminism.

    Case in point, my girlfriend acts like a guy; I’ll explain on my own site when I get to it.

    However, clarify this: “An honest guy would almost always be honest and an asshole would always be one.”

    I have been called honest and an asshole by exactly the same person in reference to exactly the same situation.

    You need a girlfriend bad.

  • tht’s true….sort of….
    girl’s constantly changing especially if she reli loves a guy i suppose

  • You’re good at analysing people.

    Skeptical yet smooth.

    Very Dr.House.

  • zomg, featured!! ^_^

  • Amen to that. But thank God I have a perfect girl for me.

  • Wow that is really true.. I know I act the same around my girl friends and my girlfriend. Things are different, but I’m the same person in both situations even if my actions are required to be a little different. Girls do things a completely different way… which I never thought of before, well done sir

    By the way, if your questioning mother gets too annoying, then you could always tell her you were gay. I bet the questions would stop then!

  • hmm u do realize u have all your personal info on ur profile rite???

    arent you scared of stalkers……

    I think our experiences make us the person we are today, whether we like it or not

    i would love to believe in fairy tales, but my experiences have told me it doesnt happen

    you just take what life throws at you and deal with it the best way possible

    the most important thing (for me at least), is whoever I am with is someone I can rely on and have a strong connection with, kinda lovers and best friends type of situation

    but til that day comes, i will live happily by myself 

  • I agree w/ you for the some parts. but.. i think guys change too, just not as much as girls do. lol..

    and .. abt fidning the perfect girl, of coruse its hard, cuz no1 is pefect.

  • I agree w/ you for the some parts. but.. i think guys change too, just not as much as girls do. lol..

    and .. abt fidning the perfect girl, of coruse its hard, cuz no1 is pefect.

  • Yes, Jigg, I’m agreed with you. Though I have never dated. But what I ensure is, there must have difference of being a girl friend and being a girlfriend. A girl friend may have a same interest with you, but it doesn’t mean that you understand her very well, or you have the feeling of loving her. On the contrary, even there is no same interest between you and your girlfriend, but there must have a mysterious feeling of being attracted by her in your heart. You and her must get to know more about each other and devote and serve.

    P.S. I’m also a Chinese! But I’m now living in Hong Kong.><

  • I agree that as girls we treat our guy friends differently than we treat or boyfriends even if its just a little different but my boyfriend is my best guy friend so sometimes you can get the best of both worlds

  • You know…I hate to admit, but you have a good point there. And like you said, you’re generalizing a bit. But I think it’s very true, for both sexes. Just because you know how someone is as a friend, you wouldn’t necessarily know how they are as a boyfriend/girlfriend. Because a bf/gf relationship is a little different, especially in the emotional and physical factor. Throw those in and you get some unexpected situations.

    Like my bf. He was real sweet and very attentive when we started dating, but then he slowly became an ass at times. That’s the other things, the longer you are in a relationship the more “ok” it become for you to be an ass. Anyway, my bf is still sweet and attentive, but you can’t be that 100% of the time. So being an ass (for both of us) is a nice break. :)

  • Yeah i had a little experience with Girls treating Best Friends And BoyFriends differently. But i told the girl im in a relationship with that even though we’re together now im still her best friend too… I dont know if that bothers her at all though -___-

  • There is really no difference between a girl and a guy. Gender aside, we all have the ability to change and be just as inconsistent as the next. I do agree with you when you say that just because you are good friends with a girl does not mean she will be the same way if you get into a relationship with her. This notion also applies to guys as well. For the most part, friendships have less boundaries than intimate/exclusive relationships. I just don’t agree with the notion that girls are more subject to change and guys are inconsistent. I have seen my fair share of change and inconsistency in both female and males.

  • wow..

  • But after you’ve known a girl for so long then wouldn’t you know how she is as a girlfriend?  Due to the fact that she tells you stuff he did that she didn’t like and the way she acted around it.  So then when you guys do date, you know she didn’t approve of something that you did because of her reaction.  I always thought that having a girl as a good friend was a good foundation since you guys already trust each other.  Of course, in a relationship some things that you guys do would be different like hanging out would get a little more “physical”.  The occasional flirting would mean something too.

  • haha amen to that.
    you really have a lot of insight. :]

    p.s. and don’t let your mom get you down.. i can see where that can be really annouying.

  • it’s so interesting…so many comments…

  •  A LOT OF WORDZ

  • we all change–but there’s no rush. y is your mom rushing you to get a girlfriend? develop whom you are first.

  • y is your ma in such a rush for you to get a girlfriend? develop yourself first, become whole as an individual. i think you have a right way of thinking. it will hit you when you least expect it.

  • Well, I agree with you for the most part…word of warning though, the older you get, the more baggage you carry around and the harder it gets…that’s just reality, that’s why parents (mommys that are too nosey) are pressuring you to meet your lovely lady now, earlier, RIGHT NOW instead of holding out until after 30…where loneliness and bad judgement typically set in.  Now is this true for everyone all circumstances–course not!  But just like your stereotypes (which were pretty right) this one is too…give your mamma some slack and if there is a girl that you’re interested in now that you think would be a good lifemate, go ahead and ask her out…before she snagged by someone else, possibly damaged and divorced and back out on the market again…
    Also, I would make up a list of what you feel your heart says is a perfect girl for you…not what your guyfriends say, or what the market of dating says is perfect.  Be specific and if you’re a believing man, pray over it…ask God to bring your eve to you as he did to the first man adam, and wait it out…you won’t be disappointed…

    Peace out,
    Heather

  • You speak of generalizing guys in this post, but never the girls.

    I act similar in a relationship as to what I would act like in front of my friends.  The main reason being, I’m usually craving a relationship with a friend, as well as a companion.  Not just one or the other.

    Think about the perfect relationship.  Doesn’t it involve you being friends with person X first?  As well as at the same time you are in a relationship.

    Bottom line IS; I know there are alot of girls who are much, MUCH different in relationships.  The majority, I’ll admit.  But maybe you should add something about generalizing girls, as well as guys.

  • As for the defense mechanism as a use of protection, it happens with girls and guys alike.

    You’ve obviously never had your heart broken.

  • I think I’ll have to agree with moonbunny, at least for myself, because my guy friends made assumptions on how I would be as a girlfriend (which was that I’d be pretty attentive and faithful) and that was based on how I was when we’d hang out, that and I dated one of them for a short period (course it didn’t work out because he turned out to be a pretty bad bf and then later a pretty lousey friend.) Personally, I think it’s dangerous to date friends, I mean it’s fine if they’re an aquaintance with whom you’re attracted to, but when it comes to actual best friends you’re kind of asking for trouble. Not that there aren’t rare cases where it works out. The key to finding the right person is to be open to new experiences and the unexpected. i.e My guy and I met at a fraternity party that I didn’t want to go to and all because my roomie’s date didn’t want us to leave after some drunk sorority girl spilled beer all over my backside. I never thought I’d end up dating a guy from a frat mainly because I had previously made assumptions about what type of people join frats, but I gave it a chance for my roomie and it turns out he and many of his ‘brothers’ were really fun, cool people to hang out with and before I knew it here I am almost 3 years later happily in love with some random guy I was thrown at during a party. Yes somewhat of a friendship developed before we actually became an item, but it was definitely the last place I thought I’d find the love of my life.

  • For someone who as a guy is “simple”, that’s a pretty in-depth Xanga blog

  • my man… as a player of the game, if you get yourself in that friendship barrier, it may be hard to get out… i don’t think i’d suggest being friends with a chick first before dating them. girls are very into “omg i don’t wana lose our friendship”

  • Personally, I think it’s great that people treat their significant others differently. I say people because everyone does it, not just girls. Of course someone is going to be different towards someone they’re romantically and emotionally involved with. I would hope that you’d do more for your girlfriend than you’d do for Joe-Bob that you play cards with on Tuesdays.
    I treat my boyfriend like I treat my other friends but he gets more of me. He gets all of my sides, all of my moods and well, all of my everything. Usually friends only get part of that. Maybe that’s why you think girls act differently, once you’re with someone, you share things with them that you wouldn’t always share with just a friend.

  • The advantage of turing a girl friend into your girlfriend is that if she is a true friend and you’ve known her forever and hung out with her a ton, you DO know her inside and out. You’ve probably heard her make comments about boyfriend’s she’s had and so you might have an idea of what she expects from that sort of relationship. I’ve always said I want to marry my best friend. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is first and foremost a FRIEND. So… don’t count your girl friends out just yet.

  • hello

  • I totally agree with you about befriending a girl before taking the further step. They always say that prior to getting into a relationship, you and the girl should become “best friends”. However, most of us nowadays don’t through that step and that’s when conflicts occur during the relationship because you and the girl did not realise that there are some differences and disagreements between you two. You don’t necessarily have to look for the one, because fate will one day bring you one at the right time and at the right place. Like my mom always says, if you are worth taking, there will be line waiting, hahaha…^^ Take care, mate. Good blog.

  • pass by…

  • You make a good point here. at first i thought that it was a bit offensive when you stated that girls think guy b is the same as guy a. i think it’s true in someways. i’ve been through a lot of hurt when it comes to guys. so sometimes i think if one guy says the same things as the other, that the ending would be just the same. i agree that it’s good to know someone as a friend before you take it to the next step. if you develop a friendship with someone, you gain their trust. they become more open and comfortable around you. good blog :]

  • i love how parents are wondering when we have that significant other…it just makes their day knowing that their kids found that one…
    girl friend vs. girlfriend…what can be said?  a lot of people tend to think that once you’ve been friends, and take the step to couplesville it totally ruins the friendship.  Of course, to each their own right?

    There’s nothing wrong with being friends before you get into a relationship with her, but there are some things to take into consideration when you take that route.

    If you are interested in her, more than likely someone else is too.
    So while you are trying to befriend her and get to know her and see if it will work and likewise…the other guy could possibly be moving in on the kill.

    I don’t know, maybe it’s just me…I get the cases of wondering “what if”

    You can go through life with milliions and millions of friends, but it takes that ONE to make the difference.

  • wow thanks for the post… it resonates a lot of things on my mind lately too.

    thanks again!

  • I’m a random commentor ahha. You’re definitely right about people acting different in relationships, but I don’t think you can generalize that women would be inconsistent or that they would all act differently once they are in a relationship either.

    Maybe you should date around? :) The more you do, the closer you can find the “one,” even though you may not be looking for it. But you never know…you might find the perfect match by surprise…

    Keep doing what you do and stay positive.

    Much love and respect,

    KO

  • well, of the many perspectives and angles to view this topic……lets pick a easy one.

    money!

    womne look for that perfect one, or that love at first sight or WHATEVER…….but in the end, if you dont have the financial security to provide for her, its another dear john letter for you my friend. yes yes, you can argue that money doesnt count for anything or there are too many cases where rich guys lose wives or what not…yea there are cases of that…..but then again there are always exceptions. we’re going for generalizations, majorities, and estimates. it’s all about statistics for human beings isn’t it?

    its love first, until she wishes she can live close to the city (if not IN the city)…$$CHA-CHING$$, that daimond ring, the big wedding and nice honeymoon afterwards that women have plaaned since their CHILDHOOD…..$$CHA-CHING$$,  shopping and pampering and all the little knick and knacks they need or THINK they need in life…..$$CHA-CHING$$, doing all those things WHILE you have kids…..$$CHA-CHING$$,…..$$CHA-CHING$$, wow….yea it’s true money emcompasses what…99% of all human life?

    ok, let’s say you get lucky, you get a girl that’s ultra independent, with a really nice job earning 100k+ a year, good in bed, ultimate match for you as far as: intelligence, charisma, charm, sexiness, lifestyle, obedience….WHATEVER….ANY-TING U WAN!!!! hehe you have to keep up with her, to prove that ur a man? no but to make sure you can keep her, since psychologically she would want a partner of EQUAL talents no? (i’m confident that even if other women say it wont happen, it will, women will reject a guy of lower standing in a NY minute!!!) and when pregnancy hits? G.I. Jane turns into betty crocker / Suzy Homemaker and now some switch FLIPS and ur, all of a sudden, the sole breadwinner of the household doing what…refer to the second half of the paragraph before this one!!

    Worst case scenario? maybe. but who can tell what life will dish at them right?? millionaire one day and a pauper the next. you can call me a pessimist but i believe in stats….people really good in stats and do financial advising or actuary maybe….they MIGHT agree with me, relationships have worse odds than gambling in a casino, but i think the reason MOST people involve themselves in it well…..one, it’s physical: you can’t just pick a girl on the street and have intercourse with her (that would be rape) so you need to be in a relationship to do that or with guys compounded with bad luck, he might have get married JUST to get laid. or the second: we’re all drama queens males and females alike and wihtout the opposite sex bitching at us, we wouldn’t feel “normal”?

    lastly, the thirs reason might be: cultural NORMALITY??? HEY, EVERYONE’s DOING IT!!!!!! LOLz =P

    peace

  • Sometimes your best girl friend may be the right person for you b/c of who she is and how much you know each.  If things were right, there would be no question about you and her becoming a couple. Things just fall in place.   Most girls (mature) know not to hang things over their bf’s head from past (bad) experiences.  They won’t be jealous either. Anyone like that needs to know where to draw the line and not put their current boyfriend in the same category as their exes.  After all, they are not with their ex for a reason!  The right person will come along when you least expect it.  She may just be that long time friend of yours too. You just never know.   Take you time, enjoy life. See the world..travel and what is out there for you.  It happened to me and he is my best friend/long time friend for over 8+ years now. We got married last year.

  • I couldnt agree more with:

    ”How can anyone ever know that the girl they like is perfect? You don’t because a girl as a friend is totally different as a girlfriend. You will never know how she is in a relationship even if she is your bestfriend and “tells you everything.” There are just too many things that are said and done behind closed doors that people on the outside would not know.”

    However!!! it doesnt apply just to girls… it applies to guys also.. from my experience.
    It sucks…
    There is no perfect person… if we continued to look for the ‘perfect’ one..
    we’ll be single for the rest of our lives! or till a really old age..
    its all about working it out i guess…

  • boy friend vs boyfriends: *my opinion*

    boy friends are kept to give great advise about ur boyfriend AND served as “bodyguard” lol just playing

  • That was so well put. My last relationship failed mostly in part because of this exact thing. My ex and I were best of friends for 3 years before we dated and in that time I think he developed an idea of what I was like as a girlfriend, when in actuality I am some of those things but there is a whole other side of me that is more vulnerable and needs more attention that only comes out when I am in a realtionship. I am not a casual dater and often think that it is important to get to know someone before jumping into a relationship, but I’m not sure that friends first is a great way to go. I guess it’s best to chalk it up to experience that will only make me that much wiser for the next relationship.

  • you gave some really good points in here =)

  • I’d have to disagree…. we don’t treat friends and boyfriends differently.  If a girl is honest with her friends, she is honest with her boyfriend.  If a girl is sweet, she is sweet to everyone.  True, everyone has emotional baggage – just a question of a lot of a little and girls do try to protect themselves.  However, I generally see that we give the guy the benefit of the doubt until they do something that hurts us whereas I have dated guys that seem to feel that since his ex lied to him and cheated on him, I will also lie and cheat – most guys I know carry their pain close and they don’t let go as readily.  Maybe, you have had bad luck with girls, or maybe I have had bad luck with guys.  What I do have to say is, people don’t change.  Who they are is pretty much set when they are 25, guys just don’t always see that girls are the same because they don’t look deeply enough or pay enough attention.  A girl that asks more from her boyfriend than her regular friends also asks more from her best friend than her regular friends.  True, you may view it as different, but on a deeper level, you’ll see that she asks more from those that matter more, and less from those that matter less.  She has not changed.  It is the guy’s status that has changed.

  • it takes time to build a friendship but it takes time and effort to build a relationship.
    hopefully, life will be easier on you and you will find someone that you will click with from the start.

  • True. I turn into a crazy person when I start dating someone.

  • what you said is true… but i still think knowing someone as a friend first helps.

  • Not necessarily.  Not all girls will be different compared to being a friend vs. being a girlfriend.  There are those rare ones who still act like a friend while being a girlfriend.  I guess that’s a perk to finding that certain girl.  Did you date a friend who became a girlfriend?  If so, don’t date friends.  That’s my cardinal rule.

    Good luck with the girl-hunting.  I feel you on that one, my parents are bugging me to find the perfect boyfriend/husband but I think that there is nobody perfect, but to be perfect together. 

  • Not necessarily.  Not all girls will be different compared to being a friend vs. being a girlfriend.  There are those rare ones who still act like a friend while being a girlfriend.  I guess that’s a perk to finding that certain girl.  Did you date a friend who became a girlfriend?  If so, don’t date friends.  That’s my cardinal rule.

    Good luck with the girl-hunting.  I feel you on that one, my parents are bugging me to find the perfect boyfriend/husband but I think that there is nobody perfect, but to be perfect together. 

  • Oh goodness! You are too young to be so jaded! Most of what you are saying makes complete sense. Of course the wild card is that when you fall in love, all that common sense goes completely out the window. I disagree that women do not change. Both my husband and I have changed a lot in the 20 years we’ve been together. Luckily, we’ve changed in ways that didn’t change our compatability. Humor your mother, they do tend to get crazy about these sorts of things. It’s worse when you’re a woman and they want grandbabies!

  • Hmmmah where did that idea of “dating your friends kills the friendship” come from? I’m of the opinion that you shouldn’t be dating your friends because that could make the friendship awkward if it doesn’t work. On the other hand I’m also of the opinion that dating your friends could allow you to find your ideal mate. After all, your friends already possess within themselves the traits and qualities you want right?

  • What you say is very true, and it is further complicated by the fact that people change over time. Also, you didn’t even mention marriage. What happens when two people commit a lifetime to each other and then “grow apart”? I’ve heard of many marriages failing for just that reason, but I wonder how close they could be to start with. It seems if they were very close at all, their common interests would lead them in the same general direction. All-in-all, I have always believed the old saying — A ship in a harbor is safe…but that is not what ships are built for.

  • i totally agree with you on how guys tend to be consistent and girls are changing all the time.  well, i guess when the right person comes, you’ll just know right away.  i’m a total believer of love at first sight and it actually turned out pretty well for me so far.  good luck! =)

  • Although you say you won’t know what a girl will be like as a girlfriend, if you she is just a friend that happens to be a girl right now, I believe you should be able to get a pretty big clue. By being friends with her you know what she likes to do, her hobbies, her sense of humor, what she doesn’t like, and what she thinks. If you just outright started dating a girl you wouldn’t know all these things, things that are key in enjoying your time together. Basically if your relationship with a girl changes from girl friend to girlfriend, the main thing that will change is your expectations for each other. Your personality does not change, and neither does the girls, but bringing your relationship to a new level, brings more obligations to each other. Some of these expectations and obligations you can find out ahead of time by asking her, but some you will not know until you are actually dating her. If you end up getting married, married couples that are friends, and not just lovers can last a lifetime together.

  • yeah that’s true.
    i’m more forgiving of friends.

  • yup ……partly aggree…….

    but love can change people ,right?

  • How do you suggest a ‘girl’ friend suits you before you try?

  • I also would rather be friends with a girl prior to dating her. Actually, most of the marriages of people whom I know that are the happiest started as friendships and then later became more.

    I used to have a guy at church bugging me every Sunday to go find myself a girlfriend, that stopped after a girl friend of mine decided on her own to help me out and just came up one Sunday while he was bugging me and began acting like we were dating with her words and actions.

    I never understood why females change so much. I believe that they are unconsciously forcing themselves to be someone they are not when they are in a dating relationship while they do not with friends.

  • woah. i totally disagree with this post  ithink this …the whole girls change thign is just an excuse for you not to get involved with some of your girl friends i  have many friends who have not changed for a boy  nor have i EVER changed for a boy  nor have i ever tried to change a boy  maybe i am wierd but i disagree with your reasoning for not dating friends i think it is a cop out   

  • i wonder what kind of conversation are you guys all having……..its just the matter of point of view.

  • girls’ treatment of their really close guy friends and boyfriends are pretty similar… i would think that anytime a person cares more about another whether it be of the same sex or different… they tend to think about each other more often and show each other how much they matter through either the big and obvious or small and subtle ways… or at least I do, and my best friend who is only a friend is a guy who rarely allows anyone to get very close to him… guys and girls make generalizations about each other 24/7, but maybe those generalizations blind them to seeing the portion of people who don’t conform…

  • “you can know a girl really well as a friend, but you would never know how she is as a girlfriend.” well, this is so true~

  • Random eprops, Thats true but i think every woman just want to be happy and find a simple guy who can love her as much as she do

  • I saw you on featured posts and just had to comment.

    Girls who are just friends, can become girlfriends. I did and it was rather sudden. And we’ve been married 28 years. Your girlfriend should be your best friend….the one you tell everything to. That’s the kind of relationship that makes a marriage last a lifetime.

    It is very true that girls try to change guys. I don’t know why, but that’s the way it is. You’d think we would just all learn to live with it, because it’s always been that way, and it always will be.

    The one thing we have to always remember…..guys and girls are all human. Therefore, nobody is perfect. That means there will always be things that need to change…in both sexes.

  • I agree!  Most of what you said is very true.  Good post! 

  • eh, it’s cuz girls are taught to hide the worse of themselves while guys let it all hang out.

  • I’ve married my long time best friend…. we are great. I found that both genders are actually a lot alike. I have a lot of guy friends growing up as well as 5 brothers. Its not soooo because I’m a girl and you’re a boy! Both gender actually do think alike! My husband wants me to sweep him off his feet at times and wants me to rescue him as much as he does to me. I just think that if a “person” loves a “person” enough, they will change their ways to what makes the other “person” happy. Its like a love bank account. You have to remember to deposit to your significant’s account and vice versa. Read a book call…..5 love languages…it helps one understand the other regardless of your gender. Anyhow thats some observation you got there boy!! haha

    pss…people change everyday!!!

    good luck on ur mom part…she will ALWAYS find something to pester you about….next thing will be “when will u get married?” then “when will u have kids?” then “when will you have MORE kids?” lol

  • The part that stuck with me most out of all of this is that guy A is not the same as guy B. Oh, how true that is, but it is still something that I am working on realizing. I agree with this post, most definitely, even from my standpoint. I can certainly say that you never really know whether or not a girl is going to be girlfriend material until you date her. I am friends with a great number of guys, and I act far different around them than I do my boyfriend. Also, when I was strictly friends with my bf, it was a different relationship than it is now. Going ‘farther’ with someone in terms of connection changes the whole scale of a relationship. It’s impossible to carry over what you had as friends and have it stay exactly the same. Relationships add to the interactions, thus chaning the whole scheme of things. Graet blog, it was cool to read something that practically paralleled my thoughts.

  • i like what you said, it seems so true
    but there are guys who tend to act like girls and they want their girlfriends to be exactly what they want even though if they are the total opposite.

  • I have to say I disagree with the statement that guys don’t change when they become romantically involved.  As a friend my husband was sweet and charming and very easy to talk to.  When we started dating, he became romantic and less easy to talk to (whether that is because I was worried about being judged or it was actually a change in him is a matter of debate, who knows maybe its both).  After we were married, the romance all but disappeared and the sweet charming friend that was so easy to talk to 18 months before flew the coop.  In my own experience, the more comfortable men become in a relationship the less they try to keep it working.

    While I will agree that girls change dramatically and quickly once they are in a relationship, it does have a good reason.  We tend to have more invested in romantic relationships than we do in friendships so there is more pressure on us to be a certain person or behave a certain way to keep our partner interested.  Now that by no means is an excuse or absolution of grievances imagined or otherwise, but it is a reason for such changes.

    There is judgements taking place from both people that mold and shape your character and the longer two people stay together the more changes you will see in both of them.  And at some point down the line you look back at who they used to be and find they are not the same people they started out as.

  • /nods.
    but you know..
    sometimes when the guy gets the know the girl as a ‘friend’
    theyre just comfortable with her as a ‘friend’
    …for instance, almost all my guy friends..
    just say that ‘im one of the guys’
    even my girls say so…’youre just one of the guys’
    but im not.
    PUWAHAHHA

    –btd.

  • Sometimes, when you categorize a female in the “friend” bucket, it’s pretty hard to see them in a romantic way.

  • i think you have a good point about girls. they tend to not reveal their true selves to boys. it’s sort of like protecting themselves against being hurt, drawing a line. when they feel comfortable enough, they’ll slowly take the guards off. and yes, friends and girlfriends are very different in many ways!

  • hmmm you really got some good points there =]

  • This needs to go into reader digest or cosmo or something, cuz that basically puts a good perspective on things. very true I agree 100%. I also agree w/ “bahbahJee” abt how girls want guys to change and guys want girls to stay the same and neither ever happens. very interesting stuff here….

  • Would you want your gf to act the same to her guy friends as she would towards you?

  • Mhmm.

  • Yeah, I hear that.  But I kind of think that’s the truth for everyone.

    You always want what you can’t have, and I know guys and girls alike who often regret a relationship that they’ve ended.  Or at least, still pine over the person…

  • My mom use to do that to me, she would even ask my cousin who went to college with me too and he said something that shut her up and she never asked me anymore after that. He said, “Oh you didn’t hear? He has a boyfriend” haha she stopped asking after that and yeah i’m not gay

  • I’ve been dating a kid for 2 years who I was friends with for 4 years prior to that.

    It’s worked out better than any other relationship I’ve ever had, because we can joke around and be as honest around one another as when we were just friends.

  • If you’re friends for a really long time… well, I think you would be able to tell, at least a little. A lot of girls are consistent too… especially the kind that are willing to wait around as your “best friend” before becoming your girlfriend.

  • It seems that you have some experience in this subject…. I’d have to agree and say that it’s hard to tell how that person will be when dated.  Friends are, in my experience, much more open and casual than boyfriends are.  I’ve met many guy friends that I’d love to date…and I find that how they act towards me as a friend would more than likely be how they treat me as a girlfriend, should that step be taken.  But, sometimes a guy can be a totally different person when with someone they like in that way………for the love of Bob, people are just confusing!  Why does everything relationship wise have to be so difficult!!

  • I wish all guys had your understanding…unfortunately, they don’t!

  • way to take a stand against casual dating.  people just end up getting hurt because of a lack of desire for a serious relationship.  good post.

  • Ooooh….my daughter would be a PERFECT friend to you!! 

    lol…..

    signed…

    A mom just trying to make her daughter happy!  :P  

  • i like this entry, it got me thinking… maybe i’ll have to do some follow up thoughts on this…

  • sounds like the ladder theory

  • For the most part, I agree with you. I act very different when I’m with my guy friends and when I’m with my boyfriend (ex that is). I just think that being around my boyfriend, I had to act a specific way. Be more like a lady and dress up — and yet expect him to do things for me when I want him to. While being around my guy friends, we can just chill and hang out without worrying about being judged.

    But what I wanna know is, if you prefer being friends with someone first before bringing it to the next level, and then you were interested in her and she wasn’t interested in you?

  • interesting.

  • i agree girls act differently around their friends and their boyfriend. but i definitely don’t think u can know how a guy would be in a relationship just by hanging out with him a lot. i’ve had this guy friend, who is an awesome friend, and always there for u and etc. then i met his girlfriend and the girlfriend and i clicked right away, so we became roommates. then i found out that my guy friend who’s supposedly so nice treats his girlfriend horribly.

    i guess it’s the whole taking her for granted thing. but the point is, guys think they know how their guy friends would be in a relationship, but they don’t. tough guys turn out to be super sweet and nice guys could be assholes.

  • i agree girls act differently around their friends and their boyfriend. but i definitely don’t think u can know how a guy would be in a relationship just by hanging out with him a lot. i’ve had this guy friend, who is an awesome friend, and always there for u and etc. then i met his girlfriend and the girlfriend and i clicked right away, so we became roommates. then i found out that my guy friend who’s supposedly so nice treats his girlfriend horribly.

    i guess it’s the whole taking her for granted thing. but the point is, guys think they know how their guy friends would be in a relationship, but they don’t. tough guys turn out to be super sweet and nice guys could be assholes.

  • “Sometimes, when you categorize a female in the “friend” bucket, it’s pretty hard to see them in a romantic way.”
     
    lmao man, i’ve been there ^^;; actully you can say i was categprized as a “brother” to a girl i long time liked, then when she said i was like a brother to her i just gave up.

  • Looking for the perfect girl(women), it is not going to happen. And if you were to find her, she may want perfection in return. End up with the women who has proven that she sticks with people through the good and the bad times. See how she treats her family and friends when they are down, does she attack and bail or is she trying to build the person back -up through the toughest of times.

    Getting along with girls who are not your “girlfriend” is no trick. Once your committed then the game changes. Whether or not you believe it or not, you will love committing to a women for life and know that she will stick with whatever comes your way.

    God Bless! 

  • … I don’t know how it happened… I’m engaged and getting married. Last year this time, I was still living the sex and the city lifestyle! I think it was because my fiance and I were just friends, and the more time we spent with each other it makes sense.

    I think one of the core issues with friend versus girlfriend material (and this applies to boys too) is what their objectives are. If there is a true commitment to making it work, when you become part of a relationship, then it will work if there is a mutual respect. When you hang out with your friends, there’s not really as much of a test of respect or conflict resolution because you’re more willing to compromise.

  • Finally! Somebody who agrees with me!!! You will really get to know a person better if you just become friends with them, not date them. Plus the whole boyfrined/girlfriend thing is way over rated. Just take your time trying to find somebody that you really like. Then once you both things could be moved up a notch, go a head and move it up that one notch. It just makes more sense.

  • so yeah…I don’t know how or why I stumbled onto your blog ..but I did…you sound like a nice guy and….I have no clue what your Mom is so upset about. I have a daughter your age who is still unattached and totally by choice! Interestingly  you have a lot in common….likes…dislikes..etc.
    you might want to check out HER blog at
    http://www.xanga.com/honey_blade
    Unfortunately (at least for her Mom) she’s currently living in Fukui…teaching English but..having the time of her life!!! and I couldn’t be happier for her! Life is short in the grand scheme of things and to live your dreams is a HUGE accomplishment! So…live yours! and if along the way you happen to meet someone that shares in those dreams and aspirations…more the better!  But I wouldn’t go on a “hunt and search” …

  • interesting post and I agree. I treat my male friends different from guys I would date simply because I see them more as my brothers…

  • I actually disagree with what you’re saying. Guys and girls are similar to some extent. Same for girls can be applied to most guys, their “macho-ness” act in front of friends is all a frontal image. You don’t truly know ANYONE until you’re dating them. This applies to BOTH males and females.

  • Wow….sexist entry. 

  • I agree with you. No wonder it’s so hard to find someone these days. It’s better to stay friends than date someone cause like you said, “you can know a girl really well as a friend, but you would never know how she is as a girlfriend.”

  • hey Rayleeeeeee, you sure are a popular xanga writer.

  • I agree with your thoughts about finding the “perfect” girl/boy friend. Specifically because, there is no perfect anything. when it comes to finding that right patner for you is about the partner’s ability, acceptance and willingness to support their significant other to grow in different ways, including moving on from the past.

  • I definitely get a kick out of getting to know a person first by being friends with them rather than just straight out dating (not much thrill). 

    My mom is the same way….pressure!  But I like to wait, it’s either I get all of the qualities I like in a person or nothing at all.  It will come!

  • I definitely get a kick out of getting to know a person first by being friends with them rather than just straight out dating (not much thrill). 

    My mom is the same way….pressure!  But I like to wait, it’s either I get all of the qualities I like in a person or nothing at all.  It will come!

  • “They unconsciously feel that whatever messed up thing a guy did to her, all guys are capable of such actions and therefore she should protect herself.”

    Oh man, this is so true for me. My “love of my life” turned out to be gay. That was almost two years ago and I’m just now moving on and starting to trust guys again. Still don’t trust them entirely. I’m very suspicious of any guy with even the slightest bit of feminine in him, which is wrong of me.

    Nice entry. Very insightful.

  • and that’s why it’s been a year since I’ve had a bf…I refuse to casually date, and I’d like to get to know him as a friend first. Too bad, for most guys (just like girls), once they’re in that friend area, it’s hard to get out

  • i agree with you. girls do treat their friends differently than their boyfriends… one of the main reasons, is friends don’t “go seperate ways” as often as boyfriends/girlfriends. girls are almost always wondering if maybe this one thing they say could end the relationship. the other reason is that when a girl is around somebody all the time, they tend to change toward them. i personally will tell my best friend anything, but there are things i’d rather not talk about w/ my bf. it’s just a self-confidence issue for the most part. nothing says that you have to look for that “perfect” girl just yet… ps, she doesn’t exist. but you shouldn’t be pressured by your mom to look for a girlfriend. i’ve learned that love tends to come when you stop looking for it. just relax and wait. she’ll come to you.

  • Interesting… I can’t agree more on consistent guys and changing girls. Hope you will find a wonderful girlfriend.

  • i can speak for myself when i say that i have the same expectations of my guy friends that i would have for a boyfriend… MINUS the physical privileges, of course.  how those expectations are met determines how good of a friend or how close i will feel toward that friend.  and i don’t use the word “expectations” to intimidate.  i use it to show that we all do have standards, or should rather, and there is nothing wrong for expecting someone to show the decency, kindness and respect that we all deserve.  and if we expect it, we better be willing to bestow it as well. 

    for example, a guy who is honest and doesn’t procure excuses will be one i will respect.  i will be closer to him than the friend who is irresponsible and unreliable.  in fact, the latter may have to be removed as a friend.  circumstances change; last minute emergencies occur, and so i don’t expect for a guy to follow through all the time, but i can’t stand excuses.  just apologize.  he should say he’s sorry that he didn’t “whatever”, and then do better next time.  i don’t need a long conversation listing excuses as to why he didn’t fulfill his word.  a pattern, though, of empty words will resonate with me for a while.  it shows lack of respect and responsibility.  that guy will NEVER have a chance to be my boyfriend. 

    argue with your friends.  have disagreements.  see how you two work it out.  is yelling easy for the person to do?  are belittling words used?  do they seek to remedy the situation, even if an agreement is not reached… are there negative feelings harbored?  do you walk away feeling, “i know we are still friends”?  one should be able to answer ”yes” to that last question.  i have found that i can’t expect nor be expected or act differently with a boyfriend than i would a regular friend.  people are people.  i may not kiss and tell with a boyfriend, but i still want the same respect that a friend would bestow, if not MORE SO.  and i’m willing to give that as well.  a guy who is my boyfriend holds a special place with me, and therefore, he gets special treatment.

    but whether a guy is a friend or a boyfriend, we are all humans.  we should treat one another as we want to be treated, and it matters not the nature of the relationship… bc/ the nature of a relationship could always change, but we are still the same people. 

    i think perhaps that is why guys stand back at a distance with me.  i don’t pull punches with my friends.  i’m open and honest.  they realize i have expectations, and b/c they know they cannot meet those or do not want to meet those, they decide to remain my friend, instead of trying to pursue a romantic relationship with me.  99% of the time, i’m relieved.  i put out those expectations as a deterrant.  but sometimes, i really wish a guy would step up.  i think i’ve more bark than bite.   

  • Interesting stuff. i guess maybe it’s good to look for a girl with similar self-goals… and less about what other person’s goal SHOULD be.

  • You hit the nail right on the head. Brilliant! Also, since very few guys do change who they are, when they have traits that irritate you more than their positive qualities, you are better off without them!

    ~~Mary~~

  • nah bro. i never change for anyone but myself.

  • nah bro. i never change for anyone but myself.

  • you were on the recently updated, so i decided to stop by.

    the way i see it, everyone’s a little crazy and everyone’s a little fucked up.  some more than others, but generally, we’re all a little nuts.  i think i’d be afraid/suspicious of someone who appeared to be completely well-adjusted. 

    that being said, finding the right person is a very delicate matter of finding someone who, despite knowing them very well– for all their flaws, all their neuroses, all their insecurities– you still love them and find their good qualities worth living with all the bad ones.  and vice versa.  that’s when it gets tricky.  the vice versa.  that’s why so many relationships fail; people, too often, try to change the other person.  and once you do that–once you decide that the person, as they are, isn’t good enough– you’ve set yourself up for great disappointment and a lot of hurt feelings.

    that’s why i think, when people say they’ve found their “soul mate”, they’ve really just found their vice versa.  it’s somewhat of a holy grail, but attainable nonetheless.

    good luck to all of us in our search for mutual acceptance.

  • I MUST AGREE.

  • I can answer the question (from the first comment) about how relationships between friends (if you teke them one step further) work out: they don’t. Because it’s pretty much inevitable that you will break up, and after that it will never be the same. It’s extremely difficult to “just be friends” after you’ve broken. There’s a new level of awkward in the relationship. So if you really care about a fried of the opposite sex, never date them (unless you’re actually looking to get married).

  • I definitely agree with the idea that both parties should have a solid friendship first. When it comes to dating, I can’t really see it any other way.

    In my opinion, it’s kind of like going with the flow. You happen to meet someone through your friends, etc etc. You guys become good friends and sometimes…eventually.. the idea of that person becoming a “potential” for you emerges. However, if you become friends with someone because you are merely physically atracted to them or for other reasons… the friendship that is in the process of being built gets somewhat tainted right?

    Haha. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but yeahh… many parents are like that. It’s in their blood. lol. But I’m sure you’ll find the right person for you when the time is right (for you and for your future potential gf). =)

  • Haha. Well said.

    Being a girl myself– I guess we do change a lot. But I guess that depends on the person as well. Some girls change so they can be accepted by their bf and such. Ya know, faking it? Haha.

  • Oh yah, and good luck with finding someone special (=

  • whoa..i so totally agree with your opinion about girls and the same mistakes that i do. *sigh* I need to be friends 1st rather then jump the gun. Thanks ^_^

  • I think I agree with you for the most part, other than that girls are constantly changing. Honestly, I’ve found that girls rarely change. They may seem different as times goes on, but you got to understand that many girls are fake, and not many of them like to show who they are deep down, because a lot of women are socialized to be very superficial, and these days, they’re not very socialized to put much effort on bettering their inner selves (because society tells them it’s not as important). So we get a lot of fake girls out there… and what may seem like a change, is just an altered front they put up, when the same person is still hidden deep down.

    I mean, I know many girls who claim to have changed after crappy boyfriends, and yet, their taste in guys never change, and just continuously have bad boyfriends and bad relationships after another. And it truly seems like they don’t understand they need to change. Or deep down, they adamantly do not want to…

    Anyway, that’s just my two cents.

    Let me put it this way. If you’re looking for a girl… look for one that’s REAL. Those are the great ones. That doesn’t mean a “real” girl isn’t pretty… it just means she’s not JUST pretty.

  • you are forgetting the fact that when you fall into the “friends” category with girls, you also risk of losing that great “friend” if you want to pursue a relationship with her. you may think that’s an easy decision, but i think more than not, guys are AFRAID to lose that friendship and will just be happy with the friendship rather than lose it and have his heart broken at the same time.

    and you defend that guys are just simple… and that the problem is with girls always trying to change them. i don’t think being simple justifies a person to remain who they are. i think all people whether men or women should always strive to change themselves into a better person. so if a gf sees an area that her bf should change, it is probably for the most part for his own good.

    guys claim to be so simple and expect girls to just accept that…. but that just sounds to me like a bull load of complacency.

  • Love seems like an open invitation for more pain

  • Yeah, you pretty much nailed it. It’s not so uncommon for a female to believe that all males are assholes just because they had a bad experience with one. Like you said, guy A isn’t the same as guy B. I admire you because of the fact that you put friends first. Five years is a long time, I’ve been single for three years and I feel as if I have no hope. Maybe I should do what you do; make new friends and not care about getting a girlfriend until I see a good opportunity. Good post.

  • Wow this is a popular post set.

  • wow

    dude, youre good.

    on the girl stuff i mean.  did you pull that all outta your head?

  • disagree completely.  the reason you don’t feel that women are ‘consistent creatures’ is that you don’t understand the plane our consistency may exist on.  you have your own experience as a male to relate and rate the consistency of other males, but you must not have a grasp on the experiences and the way women may differently react to experiences to understand our consistency.  yes, there are flakes, but those go both ways with frequency that doesn’t vary enough to draw any solid conclusions from.  (god, i just out of math class, can you tell?)

    in the second to last paragraph, your groupings take on the taint of a bitter personal experience.  in my experience, given the group of women i choose to associate with, our complaint is the opposite.  to us, men in general appear needy and easily hurt, more likely than any of us to associate one hurt caused by one woman to womankind in general.  it all depends on who you know.  as to learning from mistakes?  there are stupid PEOPLE.  and there are smart PEOPLE.  and i think that about sums up my entire point. 

  • everything and everyONE is a learning experience ;]

  • honestly… idk how i would be different in a relationship… seeing as i havent had a boyfriend since… well forever and a day ago… all i have right now are 2.11 guy friends… one is my major crush… but i dont let that effect my friendship with him… (plus he knows)… and the other entire one is just a guy who plays bass guitar in the Jazz band and he’s just cool… well… the .11 guy friend is an old friend that we have drifted apart… sigh… he was my bf from forever and a day ago… but i think i was like 9 when we went out… but… im sure that i would probably act differently in a relationship but the situaton hasnt presented itself yet so i’m not sure what the change would be…

    i totally argee with the whole “i dont know if the perfect person for me is actually perfect” thing… cuz i know that there are very few actually “perfect” guys out there anymore… ah well…

  • hey um, you don’t know me and i hope this doesn’t weird you out…

    i was hoping you might give me permission to show off this entry of yours. obviously i would give full credit to you and i wouldn’t change a word, but it just interested me so much that i thought some of my friends might enjoy it as well.

    if you could respond and let me know that would be great :)

  • Lol, I have the same issues with my mom and the whole “her wanting me to have relationship thing”. I guess it’s true that girls do treat their friends differently than her own boyfriend just because friends and boyfriends are two different types of relationships.  But I’d have to say that for me, once I become friends with a guy, I’d pretty much prefer to be just friends.  Ever seen “Just Friends”? In the movie, they describe how once you’re in the “circle of friends” with a girl, then you’ll always be just a friend. It’s not always true, but some of them are, as of course, depending on the girl. 

  • oh and i forgot:  if you have some few analysing skills, you should easily be able to infer from a girl friends’ behaviors and so on how she would be in a ‘romantic relationship’.  at least, if you agree that the definition of the latter part of that phrase means the same it would in reference to any ‘regular’ friendship, and that the romantic part does not automatically include the sort of childish, mutually exclusive and deceptive personality inhibitions that you may find in the ‘romantic relationships’ of partial or unformed characters  (i.e. your average high schooler).

    however, lacking that amount of discernment, you should acquire a girl friend with no interest in you to be your Girl Guide.  highly beneficial, and one of my favorite pasttimes.  not that most of my male friends choose to listen to me when my conclusions come out “Crazy Bitch, stay away!”   then i can’t get any satisfaction from the inevitable conclusion when my friend gets hurt.  crazy bitches.  crazy bastards.  i’m working towards a uniting of all the crazies so the rest of us have more likely options.

  • everyone is different in a relationship; not just the girls. you wouldn’t treat your girl friends the same way that you would treat your girlfriend, would you?

  • Oh boy, a long comment just ahead. In an idle attempt to avoid the scorn and hateful comments in response to this, I will use a lot of direct quotes from females I know that validate the statements below. If you’re a woman and reading this, don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate women, I just think most of them are self-centered and unreasonable. I couldn’t for the life of me give up on women no matter how many times better judgment tells me to do so.

    My experiences are that women look for something entirely different in a relationship than men do. Women tend to look for a situation they can use, they always seem to be asking, “What can I get out of this?” and really don’t seem to care about other people. They want honesty, but almost always speak in some cryptic double language and don’t realize (or just won’t acknowledge) it’s the same as lying. They tend to view manipulation as some sort of expression of intelligence, which couldn’t be more backwards. While most women feel strongly about the average pay rate difference between men and women, very few would even consider paying for a date even if they were making more money.
    Me: “When are you going to take me out to eat? “
    Her: “When you haven’t ate in a good 3 days and look all pathetic I’ll take you out to eat.”
    Me: “Alright, I’ll work on it.”

    A woman who wants deeply to be in my graces but has a history that diverts me from even seeing her, in hopes that temporary candor would gain my trust admitted that, “Women don’t want equality, they want to be more equal.” It seems like a critically shortened version of the statement, “I demand justice. Or, if there must be injustice, let it be in my favor.” that instead says, “I demand injustice in my favor.”

    Don’t get me wrong, I feel horrible, and horribly sexist for making these comments, but multiple experiences have validated these perceptions. Not only that, but the few females I know that are sane enough to call friends acknowledge these generalizations, and even some that I wouldn’t call friends. Some of these women even agree to a point of almost similar distress about the issue. Most women I know don’t like other women for these reasons, and they view these traits as almost standard – the incessant need to create drama, an inability to be financially independent due to an obsession with fashion, an unhindered will to request and take. “See, the problems you have with girls, they tend to be similar problems I have with girls. Minus the use of cock, the like…three girl friends I have are my friends because they don’t need me to loan them money, they aren’t medicated, they aren’t crazy or shallow and so on.” So, if a girl, who isn’t hindered in the act of meeting other girls due to lofty assumptions that ‘she just wants to get in your pants’ has only met three girls who aren’t ridiculous. Somehow, this seems reasonably depressing. You won’t find that men have such a hard time getting along with each other.

    Our society seems to have created a bunch of little girls with princess delusions that have landed in women’s bodies.

    Women want to be validated, every moment, and at the same time they think men have egos that need to be broken. I think this is an expression of the princess mindset and a manifestation of an infatuation with manipulation (wow, what a mess of -tions there). It seems that women somehow take a trill from ‘taming’ a man. I’m surrounded by people in relationships in which the man does his best to treat the woman with respect, and in return the woman is constantly putting down that man. I almost ask myself, “Why don’t they give that bullshit up?” but I know why. He knows his own intentions, he knows his actions, he can live with himself and probably figures that the chances are better the next girl he would get involved with will be worse, not better. So they roll their eyes, take the hits, and find some way to explain it away for her or some way to think of it in a positive light.

    I’ve seen a woman say, “How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?” and incidentally this is from a woman who insists all men are trash, lucky dogs to lick her overpriced shoes. In response I ask a question that seems much less expectant, “How can a man expected to be content with a woman who refuses to look outside herself?”

    So, I got a kitten for companionship, and she’s the sweetest girl I’ve ever known. I’m casually dating and doing my best to find an exception. To date, I’ve only found women that want to cheat on their boyfriends (a task I refuse to assist in, but have been deceived into playing the horrendous role), or ones that think of me as a cock-wallet. Good thing I’ve broken away from using external situations to validate myself.

  • Being in a psychology major, it’s true women are perceived like that. It’s b/c they are sneakier and men would shows their bad symptoms right away. Our actions of current relationship are usually based on the results of prior relationships, sadly-but I think we are simply trying to protect ourself due to the way we are grow up. As you know, men are more forgiven than women by society if they cheat etc(which is double standard). however, unlike stop being in a relationship, we take our chance and meet a new partner hoping he is the perfect shining prince. everyone has his/her little secrets no matter how long they know each other. men seem to be consistent, but most actually open up more and reveal their trueness when meet a girl who they believe they are the one. And prior relationships do change their way of thinking-they just don’t express them.

  • :)

  • You’re right, girls do change based on their last relationship. And I have never really paid attention before to how a friendship with someone is no indication of how a relationship with that person would be, but I think that’s right on.

  • very interesting entry…

  • You speak wisely. It sounds as though you’ve given this a lot of thought over time. Good for you!

    ~Irk

  • took words straight out of my mouth… i totally agree with you.

  • i disagree with the whole concept of knowing how a guy would be as a boyfrirned by simply hanging out with him.. i knew this guy for three months [pureply as a friend] and knew him to be the sweetest guy ever.. pretty considerate, hardworking, and with a great sense of humor.. but as a boyfriend.. he was the exact opposite.. maybe it’s just me or just him.. but i do agree with the girl constantly changing.. maybe it’s in our nature to do so.. like become more motherly and i guess we kind of mold to whatever we think you want.. i emphasize “think”..

  • I think we all have double standards when it comes to whether a person is just a friend vs. boy/girlfriend. I think I’m consistent enough, although as I get closer to my boyfriend I tend to demand more (which, I think, is really reasonable…don’t we demand more from closer friends anyway?)

    But yeah, I think there’s some truth to the ladder theory…in that girls don’t treat friends and their boyfriends the same way, whereas guys might very well treat their girlfriends like their buddies (at least that’s what my boyfriend does)…there are differences between guys and girls…

  • I really admired what you said about guys up there bc it is so true. Thanks for letting the girls know about it bc most girls wouldn’t realize a guy’s trait or would know and still try to change him.

    A guy’s friend of mine texted my this and i hope it’s true, “A man’s heart is as hard as rocks, but rocks changes form with time”

  • cool blog! this hits the nail right on the head. i especially agree with you about how guys are consistent creatures — an honest dude will usually stay honest, and an asshole will usually stay an asshole. my whole “philosophy” on dating is that i never look for a guy that i need to change. i don’t like “fixer-uppers” and don’t have the time or patience for it. no matter if you’re a guy or a girl, when you reach a certain age, you just dont have the tolerance to wait on a guy who should already be a man. don’t be his mother-away-from-home. just be his girl. again, cool blog.

  • i agree.. and i’m a girl… however, i can also tell you that someday you’re going to meet a girl that you’ll really want to be with and u won’t mind how they treat (or try and overlook the treatment) because you love them so much. it’s not only girls that change guys, it’s guys that change girls as well.

    Thank for your opinion, it opened me up.

  • I quite disagree with your statements. It turns out that my boyfriend and I were best friends before we got together, and now that we’re together, things haven’t changed much, except that there’s a lot more hugging and stuff like that. Before we went out, I told my best friend everything, and to this day, I still do. I don’t think that girls treat their guy friends and their boyfriends differently if they know them well enough. Of course, it can be awkward between a guy and girl if they were friends but not really close friends before they got together because you’re still trying to impress the other person. However, my boyfriend and I know each other really well and because we were (best) friends first, we have a lot of trust in one another, allowing the both of us to be comfortable around each other. Despite the boyfriend/girlfriend title, we’re still best friends. Also, it is possible to find out how a friend is in a relationship and not only as a friend. Maybe if you got to know one of your friends really well, seeing as how you don’t ”casually date”, you can see if you’re ready to take it another step. Yes, there is a risk involved, but you’ll never know unless you make a move forward.

  • i understand where you are going with the guys being consistent statement…b/c overall i must agree…but sometimes guys tend to sugarcoat who they really are esp. in the beginning of the whole “getting to know you” process. They will bring you flowers, say nice things, take you to fancy restaurants with a beautiful view….and then you dwelve further and you realize that glittery phase is over and you come to realize that this person is consistently….(you fill it in)

    so yes you are right about men being consistent….i just wish they would be consistent from beginning to end .. but i guess that would not make them so alluring if you knew everything about them from the getgo.

  • I couldn’t agree more. Despite how well you know the person or think you know the person, there will always be a part of that person that is not known. Though the reasoning behind that may be different from person to person, the situation will always be the same. It is my beleif that gender plays a big part, we women are ever-changing creatures whereas guys have a tendency to stay the same (that’s not necessarly a bad thing.) All in all, I think your piece was very well spoken, but let’s keep in mind that it’s not only the ladies who keep secrets.

  • agreed. but if you do not casually date, how would you ever know? you could go into it with an educated guess.. but you’d never know until you try.

  • this is the best and only blog that i read thoroughly congradulations on getting your blog featured too have a great day!

  • I absolutely agree with you. I think if two people started as friends, the longer it is, the harder for the two to get into a relationship, since you don’t really want to mess up a friendship.

  • I’ve heard similar things from multiple people about girls and from what I’ve experienced within the last 1 year(almost 2 years now). I have you agree with you and the other people.

    Guys don’t like change……

    Girls change way too much…..and some change in annoying ways……*sighs*…..

  • I agree with your statements, opinions — what ever it’s called to you or anyone else.  You do not know a person until you get into their heart and actually make the step to go further then “just friends”, but in the same sense — girls tend to protect themselves more and have a blockade up if they’ve been hurt previously in a relationship.  I also see it to sometimes be true in guys that they blockade themselves, depending on what type of person they are…

    Usually guys are indifferent at a young age to breaking up and getting with another girl. While girls, usually, are the ones to emotionally break down and start putting up the baracade of “I won’t let this happen ever again,” which actually ruins their chances with guys — not all the time though — it’s just harder for the guy to understand the girl if they’re closed up and the relationship never seems to take off.

    I believe getting to know someone mentally is more challenging and more valueable then physical contact, which younger people [teens and tweens, young adults as well] take for granted and just skip the whole introduction which takes well over a year in my eyes, since you don’t know a person until you’re completely with them.  Even a friend can decieve you when you are their friend, but in the relationship they will open up new things that you never thought they were capeable of and/or realized, since you’re becoming closer then just “friends” — obviously.

    Though, I don’t understand your situation with your mother — but it is your life — I will say it’s probably common.  A mother always likes a grandchild and/or future daughter-in-law [if they turn out to like them] to look forward to.  I’m a teenager myself, I just watch people in relationships for now, but I’ve been in one for 3 years and it’s still going — I’m somewhat glad I haven’t had to experience any “Blockading” and “Breakups” personally, but I have seen it in my friends way too much to count.

    You’re always insightful and always bring up interesting points that I tend to think, glad you voice them.  Good luck in eventually finding a that girl that makes you happy and so on when you decide to search for her!

    -Steph

  • i can think of 2 reasons why your mom always asks you if you have a gf or not yet: 1. b/c she thinks you’re getting older and need to start a family or 2. since you haven’t had a gf in awhile, she might be afraid that you’re gay

    Your reasoning and logic are pretty accurate.  I’m in a similar situation as you are so I understand your reasoning.  Of course looking at someone as a friend vs.gf/bf is different b/c the relationship itself is different leaving different rules and customs to follow.  I think someone perfect would be boring, b/c if they/re perfect that’s all there is to that person.  Rather it’s today, tommorow or wheneer, I think you’ll know who the right person is when you just feel it

  • oh most definitely. the way i am towards my close guy friends is VERY VERY different the way i treat my boyfriend. when my bf sees me hanging out w/ my best guy friend, i think he is appalled yet relieved that i act so tomboyish and tough and vulgar. but when i am with my bf, i show my actual emotions and i am more lovey-dovey, affectionate, and “soft”.

  • HEY WHATS UP

  • dayum, new record for you? hehe

  • just passing through.

    Whether people disagree or agree with this…the point is …is that regardless of your sex…everyone is different. You only know what you experience so this piece may generalize the majority of how some girls act, but let’s not forget the minorities who are actually capable of being open. It’s not every day you will find someone who is completely capable of being genuine.

    Also, when you’re in a relationship…it’s not about being just friends…there are feelings that are invested…and depending on how much of those feelings are being invested…depends on how rational that person is able to see things.

    Be careful but not too cautious. Regardless of  knowing the likes and dislikes…in a relationship you’ll be able to see how they are able to deal with the drama…people are always sensitive when it comes to the heart.

    Anywho’s good stuff…=o)

    Best,
    Jade

  • interesting…

  • i agree with what you said about girls believing that all of men are capable of what guy A did.

  • no such thing as a boy friend…unless..1 they have a gf already, 2 they are gay, 3 they really know they can not get you…otherwise, men only have one motive in life ehehhe…

  • hmm yeah I think this entry sounds pretty accurate

  • smart….yes i agree girls change all the time…im a girl and i dont fully understand their ways. im wierd, ahah  but im used to that. im also diff in the fact that ive decided theres no point to dating, at least not yet. so many ppl do casual dating and my definition of that is ‘practising for divorce’ because no one learns the skills to work things out and how to get thro, they just break up and move on :( and loose so many friendships that way. whereas friends first u at least have a foundation to work with!…well i could talk about this topic for a long time…abstinance and purity in mind, heart, and body is something im very passionate about but i will save you by shuttin up now…haha.

    Hannah

  • funny but true

  • You know, a lot depends on whether or not there are motives behind the friendship. If a girl goes into a friendship already pursuing a relationship, and vice versa, they’re a lot more likely to hide behind their “good qualities.” I think people should start every relationship as friends. Just be a friend… then you don’t have to worry about what they think of you… you can open up a lot more… you can share a lot more, without worrying about what they think of you… because they’re already you friend. They’ve already got a place in your heart… and then, if a dating relationship ensues, you already have a solid friendship. You don’t have to worry about “what they think of you.” I think a lot of adults our age are encumbered by the generational views… you gotta have a boyfriend/girlfriend to “be someone.” That’s so repressing. It causes a burden that actually encourages our self esteem to be lowered… It’s a sick, vicious cycle.
    a13FF

  • wow i was about to sign in xanga and your entry made it to the front page again and i happened to read it :)

    nice entry. it’s cool to read thoughts outloud like this.

    anyway, i recently learned of a “four seasons” rule — you have to go through 4 seasons with a person to discover whether you want to stay with them or not :) true true?

  •  Insightful but not whole. In my personal experience it would always bother me how some ex-g’s and current gf would be more talklative and articulate to her friends as opposed to me since I always saw myself as a friend and a bf to her/them, there were exceptions though. the norm according to most is that girls will always associate relationships according to their learned experience and intuition, sense of attachment for the guy and expectations in a relationship. I’ve learned to accept the different treatment I get from my gf as opposed to her friends cause while I would want her to open up to me as she does to her friends, I appreciate thet fact that we have our own ways of communicating and expressing ourselves to one another; its unique and yet undeviating from who she is as a person. As opposed to friendships where openess and liberty is greatly exercised and the ideals of intimacy are not conveyed entirely, it is wrong to project the generalized ideas that guys have about women, yes there is a majority that have similar behavior (it works both ways by the way), I like to call these people “superficial”, but we’re all different.  you’ll never ever find the one but the suitable one, unfortunately these days is safe for me to say that. People should never ever look for mrs/mr right but for mrs/mr right now, while though getting to know them of course.  The idea of this is to learn more about yourself in a relationship so that we can learn exactly what aspects we want in a person. Bottom line is most girls and guys are consistent in how they act in a relationship, yet we all change and grow mentally at our own individual pace. The only way to do this is going out on dates and meeting new people everyday.

  • A really well thought out issues and observation you got there. Since we have different expectation from everyone therefore we act differently according to people we are with. Females certain are more involve with their feminine side which is why they are so touchy and also more optimistic than males species as a whole. Props for you!

  • First of all.. Not all girls are out looking for a guy to change, usually they just fall for the guy and cant help but WISH that he can become the “Ideal” boyfriend. It might seem as if women are always looking for ways to change their bf or significant other, but its in our nature because we want to see improvement and changes in our daily lives.=) We tend to like the see the good in the person and try to helpthem bring out their best trait, this might not always sit well with the guy but you hardly see a girl leave a guy for minor problems.

    Second of all, it is not too hard to see how a girl would be as a girlfiriend vs. girl friend. Just look at the way they treat their siblings.. or how they talk about their expectations for their siblings, especially about their brothers. If the girl is an only child, try seeing how she treats her father or what she expects from her parents in terms of caring for her and how they treat her. Most of the time a girl would like to be treated and cared for the same way their parents cared for them. This seems to be true for guys too, this might not ALWAYS be the case but I’ve noticed its at least 90% correct.

    Finding the right girl shouldnt be this difficult, when the right girl comes along all the logic and reasoning will be pushed aside by your affection and emotions. It should be based on instincts and feelings that you can not control. So the next time you feel like asking a girl out, just do it.. dont think about how she might be as a girl friend vs a girlfriend and you might be surprised.. its all instintive. … =)

  • you know man, I’ve read your stuff from time to time, on and off over the years, since we cross paths in other xangas. for the most part, I haven’t had much to comment/say about some of your posts cause it would take an entire dissertation (and I really should be working on my own) for me to explain all the angles and consequences of any comment of mine, in-depth.

    but this kind of post, which elicits a huge number of comments, is always interesting to read because of all the varied thoughts/comments and presumptions/assumptions. so congratulations, sir, you have effectively entertained me for the last hour, not to mention distracted me from this huge writing ordeal I’m currently struggling with.

    :D

  • *WACK* Did you feel that?

  • *WACK* Did you feel that?

  • *WACK* Did you feel that?

  • *WACK* Did you feel that?

  • *WACK* Did you feel that?

  • *WACK* Did you feel that?

  • *WACK* Did you feel that?

  • *WACK* Did you feel that?

  • smartest thing ihave ever heard.

  • Brilliant article ^^

  • THAT IS COOL

  • BLAH!

  • truth story!!

    but wanna say ·R´N·R§a

  • i agree you what you said =)

  • yeah man.. i don’t get the girls that feel the need to HAVE to change their boyfriends. They’re sociopaths, i tell you. They feel accomplishment in doing so… it makes them feel good. Because they can’t accomplish or succeed in other things they try to manipulate anything they can get their hands on.

  • I agree ur opinions as above!! =p I jst stand on the side of truth only! lol

    Well, I think jst b urself and take everything easily…. ur Miss Right will appear in the RIGHT timing when she should!!:P

  • totally agree. my mom asks me the same question over and over ..it’s not me who’s not interested in guys, it’s that i can’t find the one i like…been so long since i broke up years ago…

  • haha yeea that really reminds me of my last relationship.
    me and him were bestfriends, i could tell him anything and everything. and one thing different from a relationship and bestfriends is that girls tend to bemore comfortable with guy friends, cause with their boyfriend they can be worrying if they’re getting too clingy, or if they’re getting bothered by their constant problems or whatever. the bond and attatchment is less leniant, risks are higher, it’s just way different. unless they can achieve that balance between love and friendship.
    i thought that because me and my ex were bestfriends at first our relationship would just grow once we got together, but it pretty much screwed me off since it was my first relationship and i was i guess inexperienced :/
    and yes, now i have this belief that all guys are sex craving bastards with no heart.

    your entry makes total sense.

  • “Bottom line is, you can know a girl really well as a friend, but you would never know how she is as a girlfriend. There are only certain traits you can see/find out like interests, likes/dislikes, etc.”

    that’s very true. people act differently in front of different audience. how i treat my boy friends is very different to how id treat my boyfriends and yes, they’d never know how i am as a gf.

  • ur teh ghey

  • very insightful entry…i personally agree with you.

  • agreed.

  • ¦bxanga¨£¨ì§A, ¸Õ¤U¥Î¤¤¤å¦P§Asay­Óhello! :D

  • i just see you in xanga first page, and say hi to u!

    §A¦n, §Ú¨Ó¦Û­»´ä! :D

  • I don’t understand why all these people find you so insightful.  “Guys on the other hand are different….you can sorta get a feel of who they are and how…” BS!!!

  • I think I must disagree with a lot things on this post. I don’t think of women as “constantly changing” creatures, it makes us seem so indecisive and soo troublesome to be around, women are “highly adaptable” beings. Girls who change when they get into a relationship is most likely because what they thought they signed up for (i.e. the boyfriend) turned out to be totally different and we’re just adjusting.

    I don’t think friendships are something that people should use to “test the waters” for a potential relationship. That’s having an ulterior motive. Relationships, especially if they are real, just happen. It isn’t about finding that perfect girl or finding that imperfect girl to be perfect. It’s just suddenly realizing that “hot damn…i think I really like this girl/guy. I should want to be with them because of that feeling.”  

    People as friends are generally different from people as boyfriends. People as family are different than people as friends. People as co-workers are different than people as buddies. And so the list goes on. Bottomline is you just never know and unless you try…you’ll stay never knowing.

  • I found your statement to be exact opposite. My 1st husband was quite attentive and devoted for our four years of dating. Once we got married (at his insistence) he turned totally opposite- became selfish and verbally abusive. Always went out with the guys, left me home to do ALL the household chores as well as the outside work.
    After over two years of hell he left me three times, then begged back in. The third time I’d had it.

    The man I’m married to now is a gem! He says I’m the easiest person in the world to live with and doesn’t understand why the ex treated me so badly. (And no, I didn’t change.)

  • just saw ur lil entry on xanga main page…n was totally pulled in. I don’t know you but for some reason I just feel like putting in my two cents. Isn’t there a saying out there that the best relationship start put as friends then best friends then a couple? Just saying….

  • i know i don’t know you, and have never passed by your page before but the title of this entry caught my eye. all i have to add on to this is the misconception that guys are “simple”, just like the confusion boys go through with girls, girls go through the same thing with guys. me and my friends alike have met many guys that treat a girl a certain way when they’re just friends but the situation is totally flipped when they get together. a relationship can cause a major strain on a “friendship”. both people change to accommodate the other person because they’re seeing the person in a whole new light. i personally believe that a relationship takes two and it’s a big risk, you’ll never know how a person is before you’re in a relationship with them because the whole situation changes. you either take the risk or you don’t. and girls wants to change a guy because meeting a good guy who you wouldn’t want to change is just too easy. love/relationship is a game, i believe it truly is a game, sometimes it’s your game and sometime it isn’t. but everyone will have that one life changing game that’ll go into the hall of fame. so good luck dear. (:

  • It’s hard to have girl friend or girlfriend because how you said, Girls on the other hand are constantly changing, especially after a relationship.

  • Agreed! Though like you said,
    you were generalizing about the dude/s
    staying pretty much consistent with their actions
    and whatnot.
    I kind of have that going on right now -
    the whole “omg my last guy treated me like shit -
    what if HE does it, too?!”

    We can never know until we’re too far ahead of ourselves.

    But, nice blog.

  • Aw, relationships. For me, sometimes it’s hard being just friends with a guy… cause then if I start liking him, I fall into a “too much of a friend” category — which just sucks and you can’t get out of that hole.

  • Guys think girls are inconsistent. Girls think guys are inconsistent. We’re all the same…. and oh so different. That’s the beauty of it.

    Great blog.

  • i totally concur…girls are totally different in relationships. I’ve learned the hard way that guys just do not change…but in general, people can’t change, right?

  • ive always been a girl who’s felt more comfortable around other guys than girls. it’s only after i started working in an all female environment that this began to change. even then, it took me around a year to settle into that job.

    as far as relationships go, they’re always going to be difficult because men and women are different (duh) i dont feel like ive ever acted differently around my guy friends as my boyfriends. the best kind of relationships are those which feel like the ultimate close friendship between best best friends. but i agree with you, girls should stop trying to get people to change! guys dont change ! and they accept each other without trying to change, which is why they dont understand women. maybe guys are over critical of women, but once they find one they like, ive never seen them try to get her to change more than maybe a little….that’s why friendship love is so wonderful since best friends overlook flaws in each other and love each other anyways.

  • love has to be first sight, rationality means that you don’t really like her as much you think you do,
    analyzing and becoming friends is bad because you will eventually just become friends and nothig more than that…

  • well you should give things a chance.

  • the only problem with trying to get to know the girl REALLY well first is the fact that wen it comes down to it you have to decide weather or not youre willing to take the chance on possibly destroying that relationship with her in teh effort of being her lover but hey man wats life without risks right?

  • “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” I agree with you.  I dont want a perfect bf…what’s perfect anyway…i agree that girl friend is different from girlfriend….but i think this can be the same for guys and girls though…no one sometimes ppl said dating is an experimental stage to see the true side of a person..but i do think that we all act differently depends on the relationship we have with the person…sometimes when a person gets too comfortable w/ his/her partners…they may spoil love unconsciously….

    anyways…this is quite an interesting journal…nice to meet you.

  • lol! u’ll find someone someday. =) personally at this time right now i think guys are more fun as friends. w/out a bf/gf to hinder u, u can hang out w/ whomever u want and not have to be tied down to one person. also, u are free to check out other people + play around w/ them (as friends) w/out feeling guilty or having someone get mad at u. =D it’s super. haha

  • Very Nicely put! *applaudes*

  • if  u love someone, u will think they are perfect~~~

  • I agree with most of ur points except that i don’t quite agree with the analogy u put up with – living together before getting married.  It is definetely not the same as making friends before getting into relationship. But this is a completely different topic. So it’s all good. :)

  • makes sense.

  • why NOT have ulterior motives to befriend someone? its what business negotiations are really. you are friends with someone b/c you think that friendship/relationship could do something for you, whether that is companionship, someone intelligent to talk to, she has a smoking hot body that you wouldn’t mind…you get the idea.

    i also agree with yr approach of friendship first then a next step, if available. i do not casually date, i think both parties try to be their best and then become letdown later. while a female friend and girlfriend are indeed two different things, i think its safer and more prudent to have at least some honest idea of what you’re getting into even though yr expectations will never be completely right.

    lemme me know what you think. i ran into yr entry from the featured blogs btw.

  • It is no secret that girls treat their friends different than their boyfriends. Guys on the otherhand are different in my opinion.

    hmmm i’ve never thought about it like that.. but i guess its quite true?

    Girls always make the mistake of trying to change their boyfriends.

    haha i’ve only had one bf. and im guilty of that =P

  • I think that I would much rather really get to know someone as a friend before considering taking things a step further. 

    agreed.

  • pass by!

  • fair enough…difference of opinion and experiences.

  • girls are bitches

  • Hey,

    You should go find a beautiful nice-looking girl for yourself in generally not all girls are pretty looking to themselves because if you seen like alot of  teenage girl that are so tall and so good-looking to you then you might say to yourself  ” man!, this teenage girl is so hot and so fine looking! ” and then you may never know if you would ask that girl to go out on a date with them or the teenage girl may not want to go out with you too! so if  I were you I would find the right perfect girl whoever it is like an american girl or an asian girl or an spanish or a mexican girl or a girl who lives far away from a foreign country or something like that! don’t worry about your mother or your grandma or your other relatives or even your little nieces and also don’t worried about your own sister too also too ok all of those other girls, they don’t need to know about what have you been looking for or searching for a girl for yourself too ok so just do whatever you supposed to do first to yourself and try to concentrate on it too ok so believe what I am trying to tell you ok so that’s all!

  • she’s probably terrified that you are gay.

  • Haven’t you ever heard the saying, “Women marry men thinking that they will change, and men marry women thinking they never will”?

  • Haven’t you ever heard the saying, “Women marry men thinking that they will change, and men marry women thinking they never will”?

  • Good blog.

  • I AGREE WITH YOU 100%. For a single guy, you got a good perspective on things. I have been with my boyfriend for years. When we were really good friends, I can tell what kind of guy he was and what kind of boyfriend he would be. As for myself, I was really honest with him and I personally knew I would be a really great girlfriend. Girls are ever-changing in their own different ways. Some girls do carry emotional baggage with them. If a guy don’t want to deal with that then simply DON’T date her.
    Anyways, like you, I am observant myself and I knew how guys are… therefore I didn’t waste my time with guys who were incompatible with me. Instead I got a guy whose personality complements mines and it’s the best. :)

  • interesting..

  • Totally agree with you. I could care less about a girlfriend right now and would rather befriend girls. If something happens then it happens. Simple as that.

  • omg i cannot agree with you more. I thought that way before, how people should be friends first and then be lovers. Atleast thats how it worked with  me. And trueeeee say about the living together before marriage. I strongly agree.

  • I’ve always been seen as a girl friend, never a girlfriend.

    But just to warn you, even when you do get a girlfriend, your mom will just move onto the next set of questions: when are you going to get married? when will you have kids?

    Trust me it never ends…

  • Thank you for the good post, Jigg . I appreciate it . Its really good, or else I wouldn’t have read . As we know in our hearts, there is someone out there for everyone . Love can be overrated by what we read & movies we watch , isn’t it ? I believe it is a joy in life to have love in our heart – only then we will truely see the one who is meant for us - even in the most crowded streets .  

  • Some guys are so strange and out of touch. I especially hate it when they contradict themselves.

  • I do agree with you on one part: guys will be guys, but girls are different. However, that shouldn’t be an excuse for guys. Guys can also learn to be boyfriend material. I think that’s where much of the problems lies: guys continually acting like guys before and after the relationship. I had to learn it the very hard way. When you decide to enter the relationship, you going to have to know your role as a boyfriend and what she expects from you.

  • Girls change, guys change, people change. It’s not just us womenfolk that change. If guys don’t change, it’s their own downfall that they don’t learn from their past experiences. I don’t mean to be contentious or anything…but who have you been hanging with??? lol. Not all girls “make the mistake of changing their bfs,” and may I add that “always” is not the case. You said guys are simple, well, so are girls! For me, it’s about being yourself. I think that if you’re observant enough, it’s not tough to figure out how your gal friend can be like as a gf if she’s truly herself and comfortable around you. I do agree that with you that it’s a good idea to be friends first before delving into the relationship. As for living together before getting married, I’ll have to sit out on this one for now before I disagree again…lol.

  • haha…very good entry. I totally agree that your girl-friend is different than a girlfriend (the way the act and stuff). That is why I think you should just date the girl(s) and see what she is like in a relationship. What is the point in making a friendship when you know she will be “different” in a relationship. Now, that being said, I did not mean for you to just got date random girl or any girl you come across. You can DEFINITELY, in fact, have to have girl-friends…but if you see a girl that can be a potential..then why not give it a swing instead of trying to “know her better” when she will be different if she was your girlfriend. I dont know if that made sense to you..but good luck to you! ^^

  • agree with what u say with most of it

    but as for being friends and then see whether any feelings spark, it seems rather passive to me
    a suggestion will be having a “try-out” period in a relationship n let all the excitement n fun pass away, with the boring or even dragful parts of relationship coming in then decide upon whether to remain as jus friends or proceed to go steady

  • But don’t you think you should be casually dating to find out what you are actually looking for from a girl?  I say this because likes/dislikes, imo, change over time through your experiences.  Without having these experiences, how can one be so sure as to what they are looking for from the opposite sex?

  • hrm, i totally agree with what you say. 
    1 – you should never try to change a guy.  accept for who he is or move on.
    2 – girls do change.  they act different towards a guy friend to a boyfriend imo.  well at least i do.

  • Hey, I don’t really go on people that I don’t know’s websites and read their stuff, but yours was featured on xanga so I read it just because… and I was thinking it was probably gonna be some regular entry of someone just trying to sound smart and deep, but instead I was actually impressed at how deep it is. It seems as if what you wrote is what you feel genuinely from the heart and it sounds like you’ve given this a long thought until you decided to write about it one day. I feel the same way as you about the whole boy friends and boyfriends thing. I couldn’t agree more. I only make friends of the opposite sex to make real friends, not because I see them as potential dating material and sometimes I wonder if some of those friends just genuinely want me as a friend, too or if it’s just something more than that. I wonder if they are only out to see if I could be their dating material… and I have opposite gendered friends who listen to me, sympathize with me, and make me feel better when I tell them about my boyfriend problems (whenever I have one) and it seems like they understand me, but I always wonder how they would have been if I ever went out with them. I wonder if I did end up going out with one, how he would treat me as a boyfriend, because I believe you can never be sure know how a person really is as a friend only. Until you get really close to someone and you hit rocky roads with them, you wouldn’t really know how they really are. Anyway, I guess I really liked your entry because you really hit the topic I’ve been thinking a lot about these last 2 years. How old are you anyway? You look young (in the picture) for someone who actually thought to write an entry that deep…   

  • Hi. I am jannis…^^

  • That’s interesting that in five years you haven’t met anyone that you are instantly attracted to. Otherwise, why would a guy want to take all that time to get to know a girl to determine whether or not they are girlfriend material. You just haven’t met ‘the girl’ because I am sure once you meet her, you’d waste no time in trying to get to know her and be her bf so that other guys wouldn’t get a chance to before you. A lot of girls are nice, but they aren’t for you if you’re not totally in love with her.

  • the perfect girlfriend… We all know that there can never be the “perfect girl.” having a girlfriend is having the willingness to make the relationship work perfectly for each other. You help bring out the best of each other. Finding someone has to come naturally… I think the definition for the “perfect one” is being able to be comfortable with each other, and making each other happy even for a small deed.

    Most of the time people don’t really search for a relationship because we don’t really want to go through the hassel of putting time and effort into a relationship. It takes a lot of dedication as well especially when we have other priorities in the way.

    But i agree… Girls change constantly… because emotions seems to be conquering the heart of a woman.. then again… girls can say the same thing about men. haha. I guess it goes both ways…

  • No opposition here. Girls are complex creatures, we’re always physching everyone else out (weather we try to or not, hehe…)

  • Let’s pick and pry at this thing until it bleeds from the nails, shall we?

    “I was talking to my friend last night over dinner and we were talking about how my mom cannot wait for me to get a girlfriend. She calls me like every other day to chit-chat and would conveniently ask me if I had a girlfriend yet. It’s always the same question and she is always disappointed with my answer. I couldn’t care less, but after a while it gets really annoying. I guess it’s equally annoying to her that I’m not making any effort to find someone. Oh well. My life right?”

    - Yes, 100% true.

    “Anyways, my friend asked me what if I found that girl. Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT looking for the perfect girl. I am not even looking for the perfect girl for me, though I would like to find that person. How can anyone ever know that the girl they like is perfect? You don’t because a girl as a friend is totally different as a girlfriend. You will never know how she is in a relationship even if she is your bestfriend and “tells you everything.” There are just too many things that are said and done behind closed doors that people on the outside would not know.”

    - You can deduce this down to pretty much one word: EMOTIONS. I am a firm believer that there is no such thing as a perfect woman/man out there for anybody. It’s more about how well the two people connect; the more there is this illusion that there is someone who is perfect, the more room there is for disappointment. But this whole things goes for guys too. Relationships are more about words – the non-verbals carry a huge punch, I’d say 50% or more.

    “It is no secret that girls treat their friends different than their boyfriends. Guys on the otherhand are different in my opinion. Just by hanging out with them a lot, you can sort’ve get a feel of who they are and how they would be in a relationship. One of the reasons is that guys are pretty consistent creatures. An honest guy would almost always be honest and an asshole would always be one. Girls always make the mistake of trying to change their boyfriends. Guys just rarely change because they are simple and tend to stick to what they know/who they are. I’m generalizing of course because we all certainly know guys who are inconsistent or guys who actually do change.”

    - I agree with sentance one – but I think it goes both ways. I think later on in your passage you slightly contradicted yourself. I’ll mention it if I see it. For other parts – I actually think guys are not as consistent as implied here. All people have different drivers in attitude. Perhaps the word you’re looking for here is predicatable. Women are not as predictable. THAT I will agree with. I used to make the “mistake” of trying to “change” my men, or encourage them to be better people, but when it comes down to it – if the guy’s an asshole, lazy, unintelligent, unmotivated, hot tempered, blah blah blah, over “protective,” a jealous psycho, tells you to ditch your friends, makes you choose, more blah blah blah - I don’t understand what the girl is doing with him in the first place. I also don’t understand why guys stay with women like that, it’s entirely counter-productive to advancement in life.

    “Girls on the other hand are constantly changing, especially after a relationship. They unconsciously feel that whatever messed up thing a guy did to her, all guys are capable of such actions and therefore she should protect herself. That’s fine except that you can’t treat every guy the same based on those bad experiences. Guy A is not the same as Guy B, therefore they shouldn’t be treated the same. Just to be fair, guys are sometimes like that, though I know more guys who learn nothing from previous relationships and continue to make the same mistakes over and over.”

    - I’d have to disagree with you on pretty much this whole paragraph – unless you make a note that guys do this too (I don’t have enough fingers to count how many of my boys and interests were exactly like this as well) in equal proportion. It looks like you did towards the end, but your main argument is kind of Nixon-ish in implying that women are more prone. In my experience, it’s equal.

    “Bottom line is, you can know a girl really well as a friend, but you would never know how she is as a girlfriend. There are only certain traits you can see/find out like interests, likes/dislikes, etc. There are just certain thing that you can only find out if you date her– which makes things so much harder for people like me.  It’s been almost 5 years since I’ve been with anyone and I don’t casually date.  I have friends and I meet new people all the time.  I think that I would much rather really get to know someone as a friend before considering taking things a step further.  I know that I won’t know how the girl would be as a girlfriend, but you can always look for similarities of likes and interests.  And if the person was open enough, you’d really get to see certain personality traits that you may like or dislike.”

    - You will never know how a guy is in a relationship, either, from a friendship – unless you pay some really damn close attention to his complaints, what sets him off, and how he’s treated his ex girlfriends. A guy has a good chance of getting to know this about a female’s interests too – because I’m pretty sure past relationships will be discussed in a friendship between a female and a male. At least it should be. Just do more “detective” work or ask the girl scenario-based questions, or detail-specific questions. Maybe women are just more intuitive (sourcing one of a million studies out there that point exactly to this conclusion). In other words, don’t sit there and observe, if that is in fact what you are doing – ASK. ALL people have ideals about how things should be – and knowing these things will help you immensely in knowing what the other person is about, and will give you an idea of how well they cope with things that happen in their life. If you think you’ll be prying too much if you ask those questions, you’re pretty much assed out – it’s the only way to really know.

    But hey man, I appreciate your opinions, and I think as you (as I) continue to experience those experiences, our views will continue to change or define themselves. That’s the way life is, and in order to stay on top of the game, that’s what needs to be done. After all – I’m about positive you didn’t hold these views when you started dating. Be good.

  • That was a really long comment, my bad. Haha! Enjoy your weekend!

  • Okay, and to bombard this for one last time – I have plenty of male friends I have NO INTENTION EVER IN LIFE of jumping on or developing feelings for. Friendships are between people : ) regardless of gender – and that’s the beauty.

  • wow… reading the xanga features it seems there are always those people who take things way too personally… if it’s your thought, go for it, it’s your xanga acct!!!.. no need to be defensive when stating your own opinion while commenting.. I don’t think you should have to apologize for what you think/are thinking at the time.. and it’s weird I find that a lot of people end up apologizing for what they think based on their own experiences and without even generalizing…

    and even if you are generalizing… EVERYONE does it.. in some way, or form about some topic or another.. even if you are joking or just saying it from what you’ve seen or just how you feel at the time… who cares.. it’s not like you’re responsible for educating people… educated people can make their own mind up about things like that…

    oops.. maybe I was just being defensive for no reason.. haha

  • oh, and my comment wasn’t directed to anyone in particular.. it was just IN GENERAL.. : P

  • haaa”’i agree

  • WISH YOU CAN MEET Y:OUR TURE LOVE.

    GOOD LUCK!

  • WISH YOU CAN MEET YOUR TRUE LOVE!

    ALSO, GOOD LUCK!

  • Nice analyzations and a good read. =]

  • I agree with everything your saying. A girl bases every single one of her relationships, on the next one. And tries to avoid the problems she had in a previous relationship with her new one, and tries to change the boyfriend, if he even likes the same music as a past boyfriend. Girls really do fall for the assholes, hoping to change them. You cannot change anyone but yourself though. It a lesson that girls repeat learning, and never fully learn it in the end. I agree that as friends you might seem 100% compatable with the person, but once you step into the relationship world, you see sides of them you never dreamed of. It is a shame. But its life. Do not let people asking you about having a significant other get to you. Your doing the right thing by not despratly searching for that special someone, they will come to you when you least expect it. I hope you grab the chance at anyone who seems rifght for you

  • yeah… girls are always trying to change guys, but i think the trick is, when the guy finds ‘the one’ he realizes he wants to change and become a better person for her.

  • If a guy were pursuing a girl as a girlfriend wouldn’t it be implied that he would also be treating her like a ‘girl friend’ on some level? (and vice versa for girls and guys?). I mean if we’re talking more long term-ish relationships here.  I don’t know, I’ve never actually asked anyone but I would imagine that anyone who has a girlfrirend or boyfriend would allllso consider him/her a ‘girl (er boy) friend’… in a way that’s not just a matter of semantics, y’know?  Just not the other way around.  If that were true, I don’t think it’s hard to imagine at all what it would be like to be in a relationship with that person, assuming the person acts in accord with who they ‘really’ are. And if you’re a good judge of character, and honest to yourself about seeing things as they are, you needn’t ‘live with someone to see what’s it’s like to be married.’ Couldn’t you know how a person is in a relationship just by seeing how they act around people who are important to them that they’ve known for years, like their family or friends so close they’re practically family, maybe. Sure, they wouldn’t treat you *exactly* like how they treat those loved ones but roughly that?  (Probably just what you wouldn’t know is what it’s like to sleep with him/her.. unless it’s true that sexual encounters alter the dynamics of a relationship THAT drastically. I would doubt it; if it did, one probably slept with that person too soon).  Perhaps more importantly than knowing a person ‘inside out’ is being aware of how they react to change (’cause that’s practically guaranteed to happen whether you try to change someone or not –times change, people change) and how you’d react to it. Because you can live with a person a long time, even marry them but sometimes little changes in a relationship add up to a big effect that in the end it doesn’t work out. But like you said, that could happen… it’s just what you and the other person are willing to ‘tolerate’ (for the lack of a better word for now.. be open to?) or not of each other… and ‘the luck of the draw’ (the kind of person you happen to meet) I guess…

  • Hmm, so you’re one of those guys who has a lot of girl friends, but not really dating any of them.  That annoys me more than people who are actually dating someone.  It’s like you don’t know their status or whether or not the guy’s interested in you.  He’s just a friend and you want to be actually dating the guy. 

    How did you get featured xanga status?  Are you a premium member?  Why do you have your phone # posted on your site?  Do strangers actually call you?

  • I simply can’t agree with you more, even though I’m a girl. One point to add on though is that I found that personality is equally important to common interests/likes/dislikes. I found that some boys rely too much on their likes/dislikes (eg appearance, interests) about a relationship potential whereas they tend to overlook something else, such as personality and values etc, which I think is much more important to maintaining a relationship at the end of the day. One might date an absolute fun guy/girl but if the guy/girl is very possesive and selfish, I reckon that spoiled the whole relationship. Anyway, it’s just my opinion.

  • “I think that I would much rather really get to know someone as a friend before considering taking things a step further.”

    That’s the idea, if only more thought the way you do…..pity they don’t.

  • i agree with that!?!?!?!

  • Its a pretty accurate generalization. I think females are more likely to keep changing because females are more “emotional” than men. To me, it seems the more the girl gets hurt, the more stronger she gets if she feels she didn’t do anything wrong. They are probably more demanding in the next relationship. There are also girls who did get hurt will still do worse than before just to please their men because they are insecure of what they did. As for the guys, I’m not sure if they change, but most of them don’t really change at all due to their high “man” ego.
    I also understand how your feeling about your mom pestering. My parents are somewhat doing that and its annoying because they are rushing something that is not in your hands. If it comes, it comes- let nature take its course. =)

  • this is all true, but what i think a lot of girls are looking for (the ones looking for a lasting relationship, anyway) is that “Best friend”. Not only someone they can say anything to, but someone who they can allow to enter their (what i call) EgoWall, that area of the psyche where there are no limitations on what is acceptable to say and what there is not.  I have plenty of guy friends that I can say ANYTHING to, and i know they are not judging me, because we are friends, but there is a line of propriety that i don’t cross, though i always know i can.  With the “Best friend” i’m talking about, there would be no boundary there.  I’m not sure exactly what guys think of this theory, because….well, i’m not one, so i’d like to know your opinion on this matter…but nevertheless, this is my thought in pertains to your idea…thanks

  • lmao, I remember my friend telling me about those statistics. I can see your point of view, although my guy friends are really different from me and have their own personalities and faults, so I couldn’t agree with your generalization with my own friends. My mom is the opposite of your mom though. She keeps thinking I have a girlfriend, and it’s annoying to me. But she’s not annoyed by this since she just doesn’t know, although she doesn’t want me dating anyone yet (I’m a minor, lol)

  • Interesting post. But personally, coming from a girl who’s friends with most of her ex’es, you can have both. It really just depends on the indiviual girl, her own experiences with relationships (and at times her friends’ relationships) and how she deals with the outcome. Failed relationships don’t always mean that someone gets hurt, sometimes it’s a mutual thing where both indiviual decide that it’s no longer a relationship either one of them want to continue because it’s going nowhere and they’re both mature enough to deal with it with no hard feelings. I’m what you call a serial monogamous. I don’t jump on the relationship train (I’m not a casual dater either) often but when I do it just so happens to last a fairly long time. Even when I try to avoid guys and dating overall (typically for school reasons), I somehow end up in a relationship. I normally start out being friends with the guys I date and we gradually move into the relationship stage and after so many years, you start to learn ALMOST everything about each other. I can’t speak for other girls but I prefer to be in a relationship where I can speak my mind and say whatever I want. If I can’t be completely comfortable and be myself with the guy after 6 months there’s no point in persuing it any further. So yes, I do tell the guys I’m in relationships with EVERYTHING that goes on. Whatever I tell my best friend I’ll tell my boyfriend (assuming we’ve gotten past the 6 month trial thing). I’m not the type to date ‘em and leave ‘em, that’s why even after the relationship ends I’m still friends with my ex’es. We’re not as close as we were when we were dating but that’s to be expected, we do however, still hang out as friends. Relationships are meant to be learned from, both bad and good, they help you grow as a person. I agree about girls wanting to change the guy but it’s not all girls and I never understood why women would go to such lengths to try to change someone. Wouldn’t it be easier just to find someone that already met your criteria?

  • I so agree. I am afraid to be myself around a new guy, but a friend…well i know he will  love me as I am (as a friend). Now how about this twist….Do you think guys and girls can really just be friends without all that other stuff craaping in eventually? Just wondering what your thoughts are on that. Take care!!

  • been there done that and i completely agree. girls are simply complicated.

  • Hi, saw your site on the front page. Personally, I’m a lot closer to my boyfriends (including the past here) than friends…so I guess I treat them differently in a good way? It’s a direct opposite of what your first commentor said; I’m afraid of what most of my friends might think of me sometimes. I agree that in many cases people should be friends first before dating, but as for living together before getting married–it depends. For some, seeing too much of each other before marriage could kill the spark in the relationship.

  • i like yours views. it’s very interesting, and i can agree. u do see a difference between a girlfriend and a girl friend.

  • I think guys and girls are the same when fall in love. Girls don’t go and compare their ex with their current boyfriend, we’re just being cautious and afraid of getting hurt again, I think guys are just the same. Not till their love ones earn their trust then they’ll finally let down their guard. For those who said they love their significant other but still want to change them, they’re lying. I don’t think when you truly love someone you’ll except all their faults, good and bad habits, even they’re stupid decision, because in your eyes no matter what that person will always be the perfect one.

  • wow…..your english is very difficult to understand ar~

  • Interesting. I think there’s just as much things that happen in the open as there are behind closed doors. Maybe we just don’t see it there. It’s funny how you try and please everyone and clarify every detail. Have more confidence, it works. You seem like you’re asking girls to be as naive as they were when they lost their virginity. Just because you don’t casually date doesn’t mean other people should have their relationship experiences omitted. I’m just discussing the issue. I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt, that you’re probably a nice guy and you don’t mean w/e your about to defend about my comment.

    cheers

  • definitely give you props for an interesting read… but stop it with the disclaimers… you shouldn’t have to water down everything you say just cuz ppl have reacted to what you say… it’s nothing but a compliment that they were moved enough to even comment :)

    totally agree with the girls/constantly changing thing… although it makes me wonder… do guys stay the same cuz they feel they are perfect and dont have to change/grow ? or is it that they just dont care to change? hmmm

  • you are a smart cookie. ^_^ you’ll find her soon.

  • I see and understand what you’re saying.. But I beg to differ on the way a girl would act to her friends vs. her sig O. I’m definitely more comfortable with my bf and not only is he my bf but also my best friend. We tell each other everything.. and we weren’t even given a chance to be friends really before the relationship. Sometimes,.. things just click.

    And I’ve definitely seen guys completely change after they’ve gotten out of a relationship, maybe it’s not a fear/protect themselves type of thing, but all the things that their ex have asked to try out.. they all of a sudden change their minds and try stuff out. so0 yeah.. Sorry us girls are a bit more overprotective of ourselves.. I just see it as you were a fool to let someone hurt you, so don’t be a fool again and let someone else hurt you the same way.

  • great post sir, I 100% agree with what you are saying. I myself have not been with a girl for about 1 1/2 years because i just havent seem to have found a right chic. I also tend to get to know the chic a little before i actually start to date them too. Its not really possible for me to just go up to a girl and say hey you want to go on a date sometime? I have met lots of girls, and i also agree that if there is a spark between one of them, then fine lets see how this happens ya know? Besides that, great entry yo, i can relate a lot to it.

  • I agree without a doubt.  If I were to write an entry about this, my words would be just like yours. Keep up the great writing skills and perception of life.  =)

  • I do see it, in your Point of View. I am what you say up there, so this has helped me.

    “That’s fine except that you can’t treat every guy the same based on those bad experiences.”

    It was really hard for me to trust any man these days. Thanks, I now know that every guy isn’t always like I expect them to be.

  • oh my gosh! you have so many comments. yes i can understand your point of view. many years ago when i was very young i put all guys in one boat. i always have mistrust no matter what, but to a certain extent that i know who to trust. anyhoo, i have one bf and he’s such an act. act like the perfect bf and such when i have doubts. i get to know him and he’s such an ass. i meet another guy, the current guy i have been with for six years now, and i found myself w/o realizing it that i blamed him for the ex’s mistakes in the beginning of our emotionally developed relationship at that time. however, i learned to correct my mistake by reflecting and realizing what i did. when i saw that i hurt the man i love, i felt bad. i felt like crap and i didnt know at the time why i did it. but i know better now. he has helped me to talk my story and he has set aside his feelings to be supportive of me. so i am very happy now that i am with him because we were somewhat friends, to dance partners, then a relationship, and later we really developed a friendship and understanding.

    also… hahaha ur mom’s funny. i guess she wants those grandkids already!

  • oh my gosh! you have so many comments. yes i can understand your point of view. many years ago when i was very young i put all guys in one boat. i always have mistrust no matter what, but to a certain extent that i know who to trust. anyhoo, i have one bf and he’s such an act. act like the perfect bf and such when i have doubts. i get to know him and he’s such an ass. i meet another guy, the current guy i have been with for six years now, and i found myself w/o realizing it that i blamed him for the ex’s mistakes in the beginning of our emotionally developed relationship at that time. however, i learned to correct my mistake by reflecting and realizing what i did. when i saw that i hurt the man i love, i felt bad. i felt like crap and i didnt know at the time why i did it. but i know better now. he has helped me to talk my story and he has set aside his feelings to be supportive of me. so i am very happy now that i am with him because we were somewhat friends, to dance partners, then a relationship, and later we really developed a friendship and understanding.

    also… hahaha ur mom’s funny. i guess she wants those grandkids already!

  • Wow… how did you get so many comments? Popular on xanga indeed…

    Anyway, I feel the same as you (I’m a guy). Mum keeps on asking me whether I have a gf or not. When I was in high school, i used to have crushes and “pursue” my curshes. But since I got to uni, I don’t do that anymore. Seems that a lot of the girls I’m interested in are taken and those that are left aren’t really that good looking. Plus I don’t think I can commit into a serious relationship yet. Still, I hope I don’t stay single until the “40 year old virgin” state!

  • I most def concur on the fact that girls treat friends and bf differently…sometimes we can joke about things w/ friends that we otherwise wouldn’t with bf because we’re afraid to be judged…or think that he like us less.

    So I often wonder how to the relationships where the guy and girl are good friends to begin with work out.
    Posted 8/28/2007 1:16 PM by sunnysheree
     
    ^^^I pretty much agree with this person.
    Especially the part that I bolded.
     
    Sasha

  • hahaha

    it’s nice to hear a guy that actually “think” before dating
    i found myself being the typical “girlfriend” and “girl friend” you mentioned!
    treating my boyfriend and boy friend so differently (in a good way i guess)
    in return
    i hope my boyfriend will treat me very differently
    –”hey! im ur girlfriend, not girl friend!”

  • hmm while i do agree with you on certain aspects of how guys and girls are. girls do tend to change their boyfriend which is a HUGE mistake. i’m a strong believer that if you have to change someone to meet your standards then maybe you should rethink whether they’re right for you or not. i’m not so sure i agree the whole guy be consistent creatures….but i guess it’s because i always learn from my past relationships and i change. i’m also not so sure whether you can tell how a guy would be in a relationship if you hang out with them a lot. maybe i just cant see it. i do however strongly disagree with living together before getting married. i believe that there are steps in relationships and that marriage is before living together. living with someone is different than being married to someone. although i’m not married i cant say i know much about it. living with someone to find out their flaws is a waste of time and money. because what if in the end you both break up? my view is that you know when you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. so when you finally do move in together AFTER marriage you’re willing to look past those flaws that you may not have noticed because you remember that you agree to give you love to this person for the rest of your life. every relationship is work no matter what. even friendships are because if you dont work on staying friends with someone they’ll eventually find someone who will give them the time of their day.

    anyways i dont know you but love what you write about….keep it up!

  • thanks for posting this. it made my day to read it.

  • Wow I like your opinion, it really had me thinking. Good post!

  • friends before lovers is a must!

  • I hope that you will find a perfect girl immediately.

  • I do agree… that it’s different once friends become BF + GF. Once you start dating, you get to see the “other side” of the person, and things you can’t know from being just friends. I’m okay with cohabitating too, though most of my friends (and parents) are conservative and frown upon it.

  • I have been one of the few, and the lucky who had the opportunity to have married my best friends but have lost them in tragedy. I would agree that the most wonderful is discovering that your special, someone is that, who with you has climbed the many mountains which you have conquered and who has tumbled with you  in their avalanches. I look back now and realize that they had lived with me, my ups and downs, and silly tantrums, and relationships. Those who have truly loved me, have loved me, and had seen me at my worst, and still loved me for it, because they understood. Because of my life I have had many men friends who surrounded me, and I was fortunate to have them. I have been questioned many times because of it, and even with all the criticism I would never had been able to give them up, I also never would  turn from my women friends. Perhaps,….I have always known that it was true that I would turn to them more then to my girlfriends, perhaps because, my girl friends would always be my friends, as I would be theirs, and because we were women, women would defend me through thick and thin, but my men friends wouldn’t, but they would stand by me, and would have me see it from a different perspective, and then would be the friends they were, and would give space to understand it. My position would not allow me to be frivolous with my actions, and decisions. And because some men could be ordinary, I would never had been able to give up my women friends. I have been fortunate.

    In most cases the boyfriend takes an over hand over the girlfriends, or friends, and sometimes friends are neglected. Sometimes caused by boyfriend influence, and before you think to yourself that it is vice verse also, realize how that makes you feel, and how you react towards your friend, and his girlfriend, and the strain it puts on their relationship. It not to be neglected; the strain it would put on a future, further relationship, between all, if it were to become a life commitment. Ahhhh how we tend to sabotage or own happiness, by sabotaging its future. In most cases we are at our best when we tend to meet those we have relationships with. I personally like to meet someone, and not know that someone will someday be much more then just my friend, but my best friend. I like to meet my friend’s, friends, and become their friends also, and not be known as Don Juan’s girlfriend, but as Don Juan’s friend, who also became their friend. And Don Juan’s becoming my friends’ friend. We all have a envisioned picture of the perfect person who we would like to meet, more air brushed then the pictured models in the high fashion world, and even more airbrushed personalities. What we don’t realize, even those who now work in the high fashion world, is that it is that perfect slightly crooked smile on a man, or models, which what makes him, or her so attractive, the so perfect model. And it is those perfect imperfections which makes them perfect real. The slight wrinkle from a natural feeling and caught by a photographers camera, that is perfection, and that is the art of an artist. Not staging reality, but capturing reality. Our lives have been molded into a processed unrealistic, reality, as a magazine airbrushed picture of a manikin of a model, who has been molded into what they in pictured, instead of allowing them to live the moment, and that is how you find love! When you capture that moment and live it with that person, and say that was beautiful.

    And through the years, that extra laugh line you will notice, remember the years of joy, and remember that it was given to for you, for all the times you laughed together., That gray hair, the years wiser which you have grown together. The extra pound, or so because you liked to go out for pizza, and beer at the local sports bar, on the weekends, or you wanted a son to carry your name,……..and we will remember that that little beer belly was because we let you have those weekend barbecues with friends, and family, because we loved to be there too!

  • wow

  • I agree with you on living together before marriage and as for that study, I did some research on it while I was in school and found the following:

    There are always flaws in studies, and this one is no exception. The people that were surveyed who lived [r felt it was okay to live] ith someone before marriage [probably] also felt a bit more lenient about divorce. Therefore, because divorce wasn’t such a big deal to them, it came at a much higher rate for that group of people.

    Likewise, those who did NOT live with their spouse before marriage usually did not because of religious convictions, and alot of times, those with strong convictions will stay in marriage because they believe it is the will of God–even if the relationship was abusive or neglectful on their end.

    It’s almost just like saying that the more churches there are in a city the higher the crime rate [and one study did]. It has nothing to do with the churches, but everything to do with the fact that the city is bigger which is why there are more churches there in the first place.

  • overall, i agree with you.  there are some details where i don’t.

    it’s true that girls (in general) are fairly inconsistent.  but there’s one thing that’s always consistent.  all she wants is for the guy to be considerate (to varying degrees depending on the girl) and think about her.  as long as she’s always considered, she’ll be pretty happy.  if she’s high-maintenance, she has to be considered all the time.  if she’s low-maintenance, she has to be considered prior to big decisions being made.  if she’s no-maintenance, she’s using you.

    just enjoy life and when the time is right, the right girl for you will just come along.

  • The  relationships these days are hard to define. The hustle and bustle, the trying to make ends meet or get a promotion or jump start that wonderful career make emotions somewhat blurry.. I agree however with the way you are doing things. It is your life and the girl you pick will be the mother of your children and your wife . There is nothing wrong with having girl friends..

     When I was younger I had boy friends and now that I am single again I have a lot of guy friends and I am not looking for that special someone…

    I have learned the harder you look the less you will find and if you dont look for that special someone they will fall right into your lap so to speak

  • It’s funny because…I agree with what you started to say…except that I think it happens with both girls AND guys…

    A lot can change once you start going out with someone, and a lot MORE changes once you’ve Been going out for a long time. I guess I’m mostly referring to longer-termed relationships here but…honestly, you stay in something long enough, believe me you will start to see changes. I’ve seen it happen all too frequently with friends and relatives of mine…even in my own relationships! You just start to see certain habits emerging that you may or may not like, or other things disappearing such as how frequent your partner is affectionate with you, or your sex life begins to diminish a bit…etc.

    You never really finished saying what you were actually looking for in a woman; in my mind, I imagined you completing that statement by saying you were looking for someone who would NOT change from the moment you became friends to the day you celebrated your ten year anniversary?
    Heh. Well, at least that’s what *I* always hoped to find but, it never happens. Kudos to you for being single for that long without casual dating in between though.
    It’s really something to be able to do that in this day and age.

    Oh and before I go, I found it interesting what you wrote about guys being overall ‘consistent’ creatures. For some reason I have only encountered JUST the opposite in men. They are one way when I meet and start to date them, and gradually become almost the COMPLETE opposite after awhile!!! It’s almost as if they just get lazy; they are content with the pursuit and catch but after awhile they just seem to think they don’t have to really ‘try’ anymore…with anything.

    So I guess what I’m saying is…I would KILL for a guy that was actually a creature of consistency in that regard…

    `Surreal.Feline

  • damn, jigg…. enough comments??  hahaha.

    anyway, i agree wit you.  even if you’re realli good friends wit someone, and you see them in relationships with others, the onli way to kno how they would be in a relationship with YOU is to date them.

  • I totally agree with you.

  • hmmmm..my experience is that guys usally try to change u

  • Truer words have never been spoken.

  • being a friend n being a lover are actually two different roles…
    girls of coz will change after becoming ur girlfd as they wanna keep the relationship with u…
    keeping a relationship is a big business that needs the lovers to pay as much as they can…
    dating is like betting…no one can be totally sure about how it would end…
    however..to enjoy the process would be much more important than to know the ending..

  • Hey! I think you’re being influenced by your mom. That’s why you wrote such a long entry.
    My mom’s like that too. Keeps telling me to find a bf and I’m trying very hard to live a life I call my own. Well, like you said, it’s “my life”, not my mom’s. I get to choose what I want in life, not her. Sometimes I really dislike the feeling that I’m obliged to do whatever my mom/dad say, especially when I know it is not of any good (not quite for this getting a partner issue, but for other things which do not make much sense).

  • Actually, you’re totally right about living together before getting married being a good option. The statistic that those who live together before marriage have higher rates of divorce is flawed. Those that cohabitate before marriage and have never cohabitated before and intend on getting married have higher rates of marital success than those who do not cohabitate.

    Anyway, that was totally random and probably useless information, but I just thought I would get it out there. (I have truly taken way too many family science courses in college, haven’t I?)

  • this is a gendered entry.

  • I quite honestly say that when making new friends, do not come in with an expectation that she/he can be the one. I believe that if a friend’s relationship progresses into the next level – that is definitely great – since now you both know a little about into each other. I do see many changes when a girl is in a relationship. It’s still hard to me believe that if she is already satisfied with who she is, why does she need to change. I’m not saying that guys do not but the majority reflects in the female from my experiences. It’s critical to be who you are when you’re in a relationship unless you know that change is better for you. Overall, let nature runs its course. Relationship happens when you least expect it.

    p.s. Guys do express themselves a lot these days. =D

  • I think this is true. Isn’t there that joke where it’s like, at the alter the officiant says to the man, “look at this woman, do you promise to love her as she will change throughout life” from this to that, that to this, etc. and he says in a scared voice, “I do.” He turns to the woman and says, “do you promise to take this man even though he won’t change?” Something like that.

    BTW, you’re like the first other Asian person I know to like Salt & Vinegar chips. I LOVE them, but people often think I’m wierd for that!

  • hm. interesting ..

  • I think that some of you what you have said has some very good advice, and I hope that girls kinda pay attention to it.  However, I completely disagree with the idea that you should/have to live with someone before you get married, granted there are a lot of things that you will never ever find out about someone until you live with them, but the whole purpose of marriage is because you know person SO well that you will do exactly as you vow, no matter what you may find in that person that may annoy you or whatever.  Like you said, there are plenty of statistics showing that the majority of people who live together before they get married *and then end up getting married* end up in divorce.  The way I see it, when you decide you want to “take that next step” and move in with the significant other, you are choosing to put the idea in your head that you will be willing to pack up and leave if it doesn’t work out.  A relationship shouldn’t work that way.  When stepping into a relationship you should be dedicated to that person soley.  Not to say that you can’t spend time elsewhere, or do things that you like to do just because of the other person, but what I am saying is, a relationship is to be worked at.  I think that far too many people today sit there and think well, if I end up not being happy, I’ll just leave, instead of taking the approach of, I really love this person, and I want to do anything that I can to work through this.  Does any of this make sense?  We think about ourselves too much.  I know this sounds like a soapbox and it probably is, but I want to share my opinion and be taken seriously, because I feel this is a deep problem in relationships.  We are fed that this is the only way to live…for me me me.  I am a 22 year old female.  I have been married to my husband for 2 years.  I was barely 20 when I got married, and ya know what?  We have fights up on fights, and there is nothing I want more, even in the middle of those fights when I feel that maybe this will be the last straw for him, than his happiness.  I know, call me a sap, but it’s true.  A relationship/marriage does not depend on well, are we sexually compatable?  could we live together?  if I’m not happy I’ll just leave.  No, a relationship/marriage is based on what am I willing to do for this person?  how much am I willing to sacrifice?  if we fight a lot, would I care enough to try to work through that for the rest of my life?  Marriage has vows, and these are not flippant.  You don’t just say them because you are told to repeat them at the altar.  Through sickness and in health, for better or worse.  You are supposed to mean them.  A marriage should NEVER be something you just through away.  I used to live in Austin, and there was a morning show on 96.7 KISS FM.  One of the girls on there was getting married to a guy who she had only been dating for around a year.  She was very strong on this point as far as marriage not being a flippant thing.  One of the guys on there asked her if she would get a divorce if he cheated on her, and she said no.  I’m sure he then said what a lot of guys would be thinking.  “Then that’s a free pass for me and I can sleep around as much as I want and not have to worry about you leaving me.”  She then said this, “First of all, I’m not going to marry someone I feel would do that, I wouldn’t enter a relationship and then stay in it if I felt that this was the kind of person that they were. Second of all, marriage is not something you just throw away.  If you don’t want to work at something that, I feel, is so important, what is the point?”  How true!  Trying out things, that back in the day were meant for only married couples ( and I feel that it should remain that way ), are not the answer to a good relationship.  How much you are willing to do/sacrifice/give for/to that person is what will make it last.  I’m sorry this was soooooo long, but I felt very strongly about this and wanted to voice my opinion especially since I feel that not many people my age still feel this same way.  Thank you to those of who made it through this entire schpeal.  I am not out to judge and maybe I should have said that earlier in my soapbox, but I just felt very strong about my opinion.

    Krystal

  • i completely agree with you! goodluck on finding the perfect one :)

    girls do change because they feel like either somthing is wrong or they themselves have traits that need modifying!

  •  ”I do believe that it is a good idea to be friends first before becoming lovers–same idea as living together before getting married“

    did you know 57% of couples that live together before they get married divorce within 10 years?

  • awh mannn. sadly, i believe that most of what you said is true.

  • dude..5 yrs is way too long of a dry spell. Even I didn’t go that long. You gots to get out there and date more. I’m not talking about whoring yourself with a different girl every night, but at least engage in more interaction other than just friendly social outings. Like you said, you don’t really how the person is as a gf/bf, until they’re in that role. Know that to error, is human. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and experiences. Life wouldn’t be worthy living if not for the stories to re-tell and the experiences to reminisce upon. So just get out there and date – its the best way to find out what a person is like, including yourself. Then you’ll find that all this talk about friend/gf/relationship is, well, futile. Good luck with everything.

  • I don’t understand why you can’t generalize about guys, but you can generalize about girls.  I’ve actually been broken up with for acting too much like I did before we were in a relationship.  Apparently I didn’t change enough and turn into a “girlfriend” type of girl.  Personally I think that whoever you’re in a relationship with should know you better than anyone, and therefore you should just be real with them, so I don’t understand why there’s a certain way a girl should act as a girlfriend.

  • i really like da way u right and think….
    many ppl. dunt really know wat they want n get into lots of mezz…
    i believe in a good frenzship is a way to get to know a person better b4 u put ur heart into anything.. .. bcuz once u experience luv.. it hard to realli back out.. relationship cant b rush n TRUE frenzship shud b treasured

  • i really like da way u right and think….
    many ppl. dunt really know wat they want n get into lots of mezz…
    i believe in a good frenzship is a way to get to know a person better b4 u put ur heart into anything.. .. bcuz once u experience luv.. it hard to realli back out.. relationship cant b rush n TRUE frenzship shud b treasured

  • i really like da way u right and think….
    many ppl. dunt really know wat they want n get into lots of mezz…
    i believe in a good frenzship is a way to get to know a person better b4 u put ur heart into anything.. .. bcuz once u experience luv.. it hard to realli back out.. relationship cant b rush n TRUE frenzship shud b treasured

  • hey i don’t know you but i happened to read your page…that is so true,i’m dating a guy that i new for about 4 yrs before we got together and now he’s a totally different person.

  • hehe, just hope everything is fated.

    so that one doesn’t have to spend too much time sorting out what girls are like and what boys are like.

  • haha don’t worry about your mom’s nagging about getting a gf, it’ll continue until it’s time for, “when will you get married?” haha I know how it feels, except WORSE. My mom was pushing me to get a bf so I could get married – when I was only 23!!!! I know it’s crazy.

  • Hmm, that’s interesting. In my experience, guys (except for the one I’m currently dating) have always acted very differently from when I was just friends with them. I can’t guess specifically how guys will be in a relationship (some of them I can get a general idea, but certainly not all), but I’m usually a lot more accurate when it comes to guessing how my girl friends will act. Maybe it’s a male-female insight into their own sex’s heads or something.

  • I agree with you on many aspects, and I believe you have a very well rounded opinion.

  • I think part of the problem that you see as “inconsistent” is that a girl has different expectations of a boyfriend than she has of a guy who is just her friend. She expects you to want to spend more time with her. She expects you to not flirt with other girls. She expects to be valued above your guy friends. She needs to be the most important person in your world. Maybe, if you’re already in a very comfortable friendship, you might not completely realize how the shift in the relationship status requires a completely different approach from you. If you’re just her friend, she doesn’t have to hear that you think she is beautiful, or that you still love her on “bad hair” days or will hold her instead of hate her during P.M.S. She wouldn’t expect a little pampering from you when she’s not feeling well. Now, she expects you to remember her birthday and how many months you’ve been dating, because she needs to know she matters enough to you that those days will be meaningful to you as well. As a friend, she didn’t have the right to expect those things from you, so she would not be hurt if you didn’t do those things. But, as your girlfriend, she WILL expect more from you, and she will also GIVE more to you, if she’s a normal, decent person.

    The old saying goes, “With more privilege comes more responsibility,” and the shift from friend to “someone special” is a perfect example of that.

    Meanwhile, tell your mom you’re looking for someone that can measure up to her in your eyes. Even if it’s not entirely true, you’ll get “brownie points” with your mom. Send a dozen pink carnations. Those last about 2 weeks, much longer than roses, and are less expensive. Then she can brag about her wonderful, sensitive son and you might get a break for a few days!

    Love,
    Fairelight Silverwings

  • i understand where you are coming from, my parents are always telling me to have friends over, i tell then i dont want to when i really do want to have friends over its just my friends are busy.  i hate that my parents feel like they have to make me have friends, or they just think i dont have friends.  i do have friends i am just not a popular person. but if you had the time to write that whole thing, YOU HAVE NO LIFE!!

  • very interesting

  • i never really thought of it that way. interesting ideas

  • I am yet another reader who agrees! ^^ You make total sense. People are definitely different with each other when they’re dating and when they’re friends, because when they’re lovers, they feel compelled to do things that friends wouldn’t do, and….Well perhaps not necessarily vice versa. You also have a point about women being more inclined to change after their relationships than guys. It’s kinda funny to me, truth be told. ^^;; Mmm…I guess that’s it….@.@ But I loved reading this, and I actually want to read more of your works. You seem like a very philosophical intellectual. =)

  • hey, dropping by for random props, and your entry is pretty funny, aw poor mommy lol i wish my parents were like that, but now they dont have to worry cuz i already know who im gonna marry lol

  • I second SarahakaHungry.
    I’m nicer to friends than bfs. Because we would expect more from the bfs.

    And when expectations can’t be met, forgiveness seldom come easily.

  • Nice read… glad to see there are other people that have similar points of view as I do.

  • how do you know any of this is true if you’ve never HAD a g/f??

  • Oh boy~ girlfriend and girl friend, yeah there is a difference. i believe you can be a friend then a lover and vice versa.

    ok…if i may say something else here… what i hear is that your girlfriend and your wife is a totally different person. i still don’t understand what that means but i hear that once you get married, your wife becomes much more than just a title. when your wife goes crazy, you go crazy, when your wife is happy, you’re happy, when she’s not you feel the same… i know this sounds crazy but that’s what i hear….

    anyway, us men, need to have women have their ways sometimes… just to keep the sanity in the marriage and also to keep peace in the family. sorry to have gone off the tangent here but… nonetheless hope you find the woman of your life man~!

  • agree

  • good post!  and so many different opinions of comments too!  it kinda open up my views abt friendship and relationship…. and i agree with “friendship shouldn’t be a way of ‘testing the waters.’” but sometimes the feelings develop just like the common saying love comes when one is least expected!!  Umm nobody is perfect, and i think when u like/love that person enough then u don’t care abt that imperfection anymore, sometimes the imperfection makes it perfect…

    So many comments i wonder if you read all of them….. lol

  • it all depends on how well u can read a girl’s mind.. perhaps u can make her to change herself for u..

  • “There are just too many things that are said and done behind closed doors that people on the outside would not know.”

    true that, homie.

  • “There are just too many things that are said and done behind closed doors that people on the outside would not know.”

    true that, homie.

  • amazed

  • This is God Damn right!!!

  • hello,nice to meet you

  • hello nice to meet you

  • what did you do worng

  • I think what you said is really interesting and I agree. But I think both girls and guys change once in a relationship.  I have found that guys often try and show off when they are dating you.  Actually, all we want is the guy we met the first time who just acts normal around us.  Before you can be with someone, you need to be friends and be able to enjoy each other like friends even once you go start a relationship.

  • so true about females … is hould know im one of them… lol

  • HALO!!NICE TO MEET YOU!!

    I NOT YOUR FRIENDS BUT I WANT TO BE YOU NET FRIEND

    you can check my xanga too..add cmto me^^

    when you come my xanga pls help to check my an advertisement

    it can helpsome body^^

  • Well said…Relationships are equally as frustrating as friendships at times. From a guy’s perspective you think girls are hard to understand…but from a gal’s perspective, I find guys harder to understand! I don’t get how some guys can treat all the girls the same-equally as good- how is that fair to his girlfriend then? I find guys’ intentions harder to understand.

  • Hi, it is what i think in mind.
    You are very clear about girl friend and girlfriend.
    I’m absolutely understand your point-of-view.:]
    however, don’t turn it to be an excute for you to escape from making girlfriend.=]

  • Hmm…it was a nice post but not all girls are different in relationships and they dont all try to change their boyfriends. I treat my boyfriend exactly as I did when we were just friends, the only exception is that now we say “I love you” and have intimate moments. Maybe this is because my boyfriend is my best friend, like it should be. He knows EVERYTHING about me and I really do tell him everything. And I would never ever want to change him or any guy I have been with. I like them for who they are and I refuse to change them. Besides, even if theres something about them I dont like all that much, ehhh, thats just them. Gotta learn to love everything about them.

    Also, like what underused said, it doesnt seem to me as though all girls treat their boyfriends the same after bad experiences, thinking that theyre going to do the same thing. Guys are just as likely to do that as girls are. Personally, each relationship is a new experience to me. Ive been hurt, but that was a previous relationship, the current one is completely different. No girl I know feels like every guy is going to hurt her the same way, and even if they wonder it sometimes, they dont treat the guy like hes going to. I have been in 2 relationships though where my boyfriend held me too close and got too possessive, because they had been hurt my their girlfriends in the past.

  • your writing is awesome.

  • Comment ^_^

  • random question: have you ever been on a blind date?

  • dude totally see you on this!

  • Nice entry

  • Wow. Well said.

  • Women are ridiculous beasties.

  • I agree with your generalizations here.

    I’d have to say though that if you are looking for a relationship, which it doesn’t really sound like you are, you have to date. As you said “…a girl as a friend is totally different as a girlfriend. You will never know how she is in a relationship even if she is your bestfriend…” Thats why you need to try dating, and dating a girl that is already your friend is hard. Yes its nice that you already know so much about each other, but you have to worry about the aftermath. What if things don’t work out, can you go back to being friends? Probably not.

    I agree that it is best to be friends before lovers, because sex complicates everything. But you can date and take it slowly, you’re just getting to know someone a little differently this way. You’re seeing if there is something there that opens your heart in a romantic way. And that is something you have to choose to do, it doesn’t (rarely) just happen. If you are dating someone, there’s no reason you can’t become friends if you’re not really compatible in the relationship (unless you take it too fast and are already lovers).

  • really refreshing to read this. i myself am going through a culture crisis where everyone is saying you should date, but i am mroe in lien with your thinking. i feel liek dating si awkward, and that friendship can lead to dating ina much more natural way. so i take in my own stride. but- soemtimes it is hard to turn down a date when a guy comes up out of the blue, and he is attarctive, and it is flatering. but every time i do, i am reminded again that it feels synthetic and unnatural, and the frienship was formed on “false pretenses” liek i relaly agree with what u are saying about ulterior motives. get to know peopel as friends, girs dont like it when guys hit on them just to get a date, at least i dont, so i try to give the same respect to guys.

  • i agree with everything that was said here. it’s so fuckin true..

    <3chaos<3

  • I wanted to say that I completely agree with your point of view on the subject. I also believe people who are considering marriage should at minimum live together for a year beforehand. Dating & living together are two different things. It enriches a relationship to be friends first, unfortunately, someone’s gotta push out of the friend zone eventually & you’re left with dating them & hopefully it working out (waxing quixotic here) or it crashing & burning (realistically most due) because we are different people in a relationship then we are as friends. Although I’ve been guilty of it, I don’t agree that the “new guy” should hang on the cross for an ex’s sins, however, if we do not learn from history we are doomed to repeat it. Keep up the writing. Kitty!

  • pretty well thought out. props to you for even trying to understand the female gender.

  • tat it up

  • I think I mostly agree with you/see things from your point of view.  While you’re not using friendship to find a girl, and you don’t think you’ll know everything about how she’ll be a as a girlfriend from friendship, you’ll know MORE about how she’d be as a girlfriend from friendship than if you started dating the first day you met her.  My only point of dissension with you is the living together before getting married, but that’s a different discussion and not the point of this blog.

    God bless

  • good entry.  girls are much too complex.  they can be really dumb too tho.. haha

  • i agree.

  • I never had a thought to read the whole things and type my comment.
    well,…so much details about the relationships between girlfriend and girl as a friend.
    anyway, have a nice day -.-”

  • I think I understand where you’re coming from since you are speaking from your experiences. You seem to be saying that when you are friends with girls they don’t act like themselves. I’m not sure if I’m interpreting you wrong, but from my experience I believe you can only really get to know someone through friendship. For me, as a girl, I act more like myself around my friends, regardless of whether they are male or female. I’m more open etc… I think once you are in a dating situation you are more likely not to act like yourself, i.e. people try to mold themselves to make them seem more compatible with you. I’m pretty young at 22 but I find that often people, boys and girls act like themselves when they’re friends but when they are attracted to someone they change their interests to fit the interests of the person they like. So then you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is not right for you but you thought they were because they pretended to be someone else. Am I making sense? Conversely for some people like myself, when I’m around someone I am interested in, I’m much more reserved and self-conscious. I don’t purposefully act differently but it’s hard sometimes to warm up to people esp. if you want them to like you. So I agree that a person acts different in a friendship than in a romantic relationship but I think a friendship actually lets you know the real person. That’s just from my own experience at 22 though.

  • your tight.

  • just get a gf, that way you dont have to worry about this nonsense… 0_0   u have to experience them first to know if they’re “perfect” or perfect for you..thats all….

  • You’ll find someone some day, when you least expect it, whether you’re looking or not.  Although I’ve heard what has been said here in one way or another, I would just like to state that you have very valuable insights.

    = )

    Have a lovely weekend

  • That was supper dupper kool!…Very funny though. Quite ironic, but like you said it’s just your point of view.

  • I think… love is a choice… and we can choose to love someone and to overlook things that they do that we dont agree with, or we can have no grace for them, and pick apart everything that they do, and expect them to be close to perfect…

  • i think people behave differently when they date…as if they somehow claim rights upon you while dating or in a relationship…i feel friends are less prone to claiming those rights…possession or rights over someone…i think these are two of the things that change a person’s behavior…a sense of entitlement

  • =)

  • Well said. =] I agree with you.

  • …just.. whoa

  • That was a really interesting read, and I agree with most everything you said…

    I wish I wasn’t so tired (1:45am after working all day) so I could give a more insightful comment, but this will have to do.

    Good luck with your next relationship, I think you have the right idea!

    -Ray

  • http://www.finaldistance.org/mb/

  • Hello, just saw your post up and stopped by. Damn there’s a lot of people and I’m not even sure if this will even get read lol. IMHO Fuck it. Dude if you find a girl you like and she likes you then you don’t question that. I mean where is this goddamn rule book that people like to pretend is there that say that things should be like this or we should do things like that. As you have noticed everyone has a different way they do things. And not to be cliche’ but you gotta follow your heart. But that sounds gay so I’m going to say you need to play things by ear. Love is a war and the only true way to prepare for a war is to know yourself and what you’re capable of. Don’t lie to yourself, there WILL BE fights, and things WILL go wrong. But it’s more important that you’re prepared for it rather than conceptualizing people into these little compartments of “ok she’s a good person, and she’s a bad person”. Any good man knows that whatever he does wrong he attones for it by knowing his limits and working with what he has. Don’t try to go into life changing things around unless or expecting certain things unless you plan on accepting a flood of unpredictable situations. It is more simple to adjust yourself to the world than to change the world or expect it to be a certain way. Cuz when you change one aspect of life it changes everything else. I’m sorry I just don’t understand why people are so picky about this. Ok basically my point is this, it is MORE important to learn to love than to experience love itself. This means that you pick someone that loves you and that you love and you MAKE it work. If you love each other enough you both will work hard enough to cope with each other. This is how it works. There are no rule books about how it should be done or trying to “get to know” someone. First impressions are the only thing that you need to discovering who is right for you I say. Don’t trust what you eventually learn about someone. Trust you’re own judgements on how YOU feel about her. And lastly, as a said love is like war so you can’t be afraid of loss. If you don’t have a cool head or if you’re attachments end up too much or too little, and you care too much or too little, then someone will end up hurt. So as I said if you know yourself and trust your own judgement you’re more likely to take the attention of any judgements you have of her. After all when convictions are held at too high regard and become almost unbearable for another to measure up to that standard is when the faint signs of hatred stir deep within them. So don’t judge the other person, because in the end what you found that you did or didnt like about them could have truthfully been something that would have been the most important lesson in your life!

    -Jae Suk, Shon

  • yes, i agree with Mr. Chopstix and all round eyes from b4. All I know is most bitches have issues, and most girls are bitches. Hey, let’s play American football! But not with girls. You bitches have issues!

  • also, if a girl is inauthentic… most guys can pick up on it with a quickness. Fake bitches are the worst. If you are the guy that is unwittingly duped by some she-bitch, fake, playette, bitch… and bitch… too bad, so sad.  

    if you pick up on it, trust me it is bad joo-joo and you need to walk away. Most girls have pretty bad self-image problems and project that. Some are fake, while the good ones are 100% real… warts and all.

  • Bitches@!

  • if u really fall for the one, no matter what she does, it’s so right… adn evcen not so right, u will accept it.

  • 5 years and no dates? Ever thought about what you’re doing isnt working?

    I don’t mean it by any offence towards you because you seem like an intelligent person who has good deep thoughts.

    What you’ve written is interesting…………..in theory.

    But in terms of dating and relationships, its bound to be fail because over thinking will destory what can potentially be good or not. That’s only my own opinion

  • HAHAHAHAHA ok that really made me laugh. and for the most part i agree with you. even though i really don’t think its a good idea to live with someone before you get married.

  • “Girls always make the mistake of trying to change their boyfriends. Guys just rarely change because they are simple and tend to stick to what they know/who they are. I’m generalizing of course because we all certainly know guys who are inconsistent or guys who actually do change.”

    I just wanted to point out that girls trying to change their boyfriends is most of the time for the better,may it be for the guy or for the relationship. Girls don’t expect,or atleast I don’t expect change in a jiffy but seen effort of trying to change or even tweaking a bit is so much appreciated. After all, wouldn’t it be worth an effort to change if you’re really into the girl and you’re out there for the real deal?! And as you said, “girls change constantly after every relationships” could be true for those who contemplate on what went wrong and what worked in the previous relationship. I think that girls like that are wise and a good catch. Just think of a puzzle, those that don’t change after a relationship would do same mistake over and over again coz juz like a piece of a puzzle, everything has to match and fit in coz if not it won’t work right?so all im saying is stop being a piece of a puzzle coz it’ll be hard to find sum1 exactly the way we wanted him/her to be. Be a clay,flexible,easy to be molded on juz how you wanted it to be and if doesn’t work,it could always be reformed to how it was previously made.

  • “Girls always make the mistake of trying to change their boyfriends. Guys just rarely change because they are simple and tend to stick to what they know/who they are. I’m generalizing of course because we all certainly know guys who are inconsistent or guys who actually do change.”

    I just wanted to point out that girls trying to change their boyfriends is most of the time for the better,may it be for the guy or for the relationship. Girls don’t expect,or atleast I don’t expect change in a jiffy but seen effort of trying to change or even tweaking a bit is so much appreciated. After all, wouldn’t it be worth an effort to change if you’re really into the girl and you’re out there for the real deal?! And as you said, “girls change constantly after every relationships” could be true for those who contemplate on what went wrong and what worked in the previous relationship. I think that girls like that are wise and a good catch. Just think of a puzzle, those that don’t change after a relationship would do same mistake over and over again coz juz like a piece of a puzzle, everything has to match and fit in coz if not it won’t work right?so all im saying is stop being a piece of a puzzle coz it’ll be hard to find sum1 exactly the way we wanted him/her to be. Be a clay,flexible,easy to be molded on juz how you wanted it to be and if doesn’t work,it could always be reformed to how it was previously made.

  • I agree with your blog.  Nice blog by the way.  Just stopping by to say hi!!

  • Enough said. I get you.

    I like your entry.

  • i gotta admit ur pretty right exept for the fact that sumtimes u really can tell how a friend would be a s gf/bf especially if u know them well….but y would u wanna go out wif a friend??? yeh theres nufi wrong with that but i dunn it sounds odd… i like the way u put it into words… its cool

  • lol so many comments you got here.

    but yeah, everyone has their own expectations of other people and no one can cover every one of them. i believe a change in relationship from friends to bf/gf is like meeting a new person that you already know. you can never fully understand a person, but the change can lead you to further discover who he/she really is. it’s all a part of the process to the final decision as to whether future commitments should take place.

    you are right, people shouldn’t try to change another person too much because that may only lead to a consequence that you do not want.

  • Hi. I just came by accidentally and read your interesting blog. It’s quite interesting that a guy would pay so much attention to what’s behind the relationships. I think you’re just being serious about it and saving yourself for the best to come. Tell your mom not to be too worried coz her daughter-in-law is gonna be a good one.

  • Hi, I just came by your interesting topic.
    After I have read your this long blog. From the bottom of my heart, I totally agree with your thought. Especially, this one – “it is a good idea to be friends first before becoming lovers”. From experience, the similarities of two people is the main connection to become friends. During the interaction between people, more or less, people could know more the understanding and the feeling of one person. Then, the people could decide whether to take the relationship step further base on how deep understanding of the person/partner. i.e. Causal Friend -> Closed Friend -> bf/gf -> husband/wife.
    Also, I could see that you are a serious guy to seek a true love. I do believe that the ‘best’ one (your Ms. Right) would come toward to you when it is at the right time.

  • funny, it sucks how you should have to “edit” and explain your thoughts to everyone in order to appease the masses, who cares what they think… however they have the right to critique everything you say, because you are placing these ideas in the public domain.

  • i honestly couldn’t agree with you more. i used to casually date a lot, and i can tell you first hand that not all guys are the same; cause i got hurt quite a bit. I also agree that friends are different then relationships, and the guy i’m with and i were friends before we got together; we actually had no intention of dating. Until, as you said, that spark was there. But, I disagree with what you said about -every- part of friendship being in a relationship. In a good relationship, you can tell your partner the same things you could tell your friends, and act around them too. I know I do, anyway. You’re entry was really good, very well written. =] And oh, the comment about people living together before marriage is crap. It’s the people who live together who feel obligated to get married; then it turns out bad…if marriage feels like the next natural step, it’s all good. =]

    xx

  • And this is why Jesus is important. Well, one of the reasons.

    Sorry for jumping into this totally randomly but I was saw your post and couldn’t hold myself back.

    1st) There is a problem with “there’s nothing wrong with getting into a relationship with a girl and then leaving when she’s not what you want.” That is the type of thinking that destroys society. The strong family unit is what society is built on, and its proven that when the concept of the traditional family is changed in any culture the society starts collapsing.

    2nd) I agree that men have a lot more emotional baggage then they let on. And I think you will find that the strongest relationships are ones where both participants grow, together and toward each other. Unwillingness to change cripples relationships.

    3rd) Jesus is the best thing for a relationship. Anyone who says otherwise has obviously never tried it. Having tried relationships both ways….I’d take Jesus every time.

    http://www.notreligion.com

  • all i have to say is wow…u think way to much

  • i think anyone is gonna act different when they become boyfriend/girlfriend with someone. because you are taking your relationship to that next step. theres more feelings there and things such as jealousy may come about and show now since the relationship has gone to another level. i think it works for both sexes and not just girls. other then that yeah everything is you said is pretty true. you never really know someone till you date them. its almost like that movie the break up.

  • i wish the girl i’m into would read this

  • being out of a relationship can sometimes bring clarity that wouldn’t otherwise dawn on you. in the meanwhile, i’m sure you’re presumably satisfied with things or else you’d be dating right now.

    question: i’ve heard (older) people mention that a person who is married and have a family cannot have a platonic friend of the opposite sex. is that a reasonable scrutiny?

  • I’m just a passer-by. Interesting thoughts but I do agree with what you are saying. Especially when you mentioned that girls have an intention to change their bfs, and their perceptions and way to treat their current bf is somewhat being affected by their prior experience.

    And it’s so true that girls perform differently when being with their boy friends and bf. Therefore in certain extent I enjoy being friends with boys rather than being with a bf. Somehow when you’ve identified someone to be yr bf, you’ve much expectations from them and it turns out that conflicts and unhappiness arise. I don’t know for other girls, but it really does in my case. Being with boy friends do make me feel more comfortable and can say whatever I wanna say, can be more “be myself”, coz I never care how they perceive me.

    Btw, no offence. You look a little bit having self-pride and are that kinda people which strong trust to your own value (simply a subjective impression from your profile pic). No wonder you can write up such a strong thoughts. Nevertheless I do appreciate what you think.

  • I appreciate the fact that a guy stops and looks at these kinds of things. I know I dont know you, but from your post i would personaly much rather you have this realistic opinion of how things are then the jaded outlook most kids have today. You know whats right for you, don’t let anyone push you, it’d only make the end results disapointing to you, no matter who the process satisfied. Thanks a lot for that outlook, it’s much appreciated

  • RYN: Haaa…. as a headhunter myself I use to (and I love to!) read other’s face (surely also gestures, appearance, way of talking) to guess/ interpret his/ her characters and personality traits especially when I meet with different candidates/ clients. Haha~ I can’t say what I observe is 100% right but I’m quite confident on what I can observe. And that’s the reason why I like psychology and divination stuffs like face-reading, ji mei, tarot so on so forth.

    Btw, I’ve gone through several old entries of yours just now. I like your writing and point of view. No wonder you got so many comments and readers.

    My online diary used to got a lot of readers in the past, coz I wrote a lot of critics, poems or expression of feelings and thoughts in the past few years (most of the entries are in Chinese though). Yet as time goes by, I’ve started to lose the passion on writing all my thoughts in my diary. So envy that you got tonnes of readers to share your writing here. It’s definitely feel very satisfied if you got so many feedbacks (no matter +ve/-ve ones) for your entries. It’s kinda strong motivation for you to keep on writing and writing. I dunno if you’d agree with me but that’s definitely what I think.

    Btw, I like your mentality, which I seldom find it from my male peers in HK. Haha~

    So for sure I’ll be one of yr active reader in the coming future ^_^

  • sth to add: I got a little bit surprised that you look so mature when you were 13! I’m wondering how you look right now… … like a 3X-yr-old man? OMG! *kidding*

    Nevertheless, what I’d say is that your pride in your eyes from your 13-yr-old pic does catch my attention a lot! Haha~

  • i am very curious about your xanga because there are so many people leaving msgs to you. i know that if i have time, it is deserved to read your posts.
    thanks

  • just randomly passing by, but haha thats so true about girls treating friends and boyfriends differently.

  • thats all true. your mom should stop asking.

  • Very well said.  You should be a writer.  I actually read the whole thing, and I totally agree. 

  • makes me wish i had a girlfriend right now! been single or out of the game for 2-3 years.

  • very very very nice post!!!!

  • You are highly intelligent and kudos. As a girl, I am trying to make myself consistent.

  • I agree with you buddy. Being friends with a girl is very different than having her as your girlfriend. There are definitely certain behaviorial traits that you don’t know about a girl when she is your friend that could make it challenging when she is your girlfriend. And I totally think a couple should live together before getting married. You need to eliminate as many surprises as possible before it’s too late.

  • I find your last paragraph interesting. The idea of learning to know someone as a friend before you know them as a lover makes logical sense. So does living with someone before marriage to figure out if it will work, but only as long as you are willing to ignore statistics. I’m interested in hearing the reasoning in defense of living together before marriage when it has been statistically proven to fail at what it is supposed to help with.

  • there’s no right or wrong way to find that ‘somebody’. you don’t have to be friends first. you don’t have to live together first. you don’t have to get to know each other before you start dating. but there are always people who are friends first and then become lovers. it doesn’t matter how you find them.
    and i totally disagree with how girls treat their bfs differently to their friends. of course we’re gonna kiss them and hug them a lot more than our friends, but other than that, a lot of girls do treat their bfs the same. if they’re treating them differently or acting different around them, then it shows that theyre trying to impress them all the time by being someone theyre not. eventually the guy is gonna realise this isn’t you and either leave… or stay because he knows how much of a great person you really are and would want you to stop pretending.
    so i definitely don’t believe all gfs treat their boyfriends different. my bf is my bestfriend… and i make fun of him, laugh with him and do things in front of him that i’d do in front of my friends… i tell him all my secrets and etc etc.
    anyways good luck finding that girl

  • Hi,

    You know, you do express a good point here. But I feel that men, as well as women, change over the course of the relationship.

    Anyways, I’m not really into that stuff. But I just wanted to meet new people and I’ve noticed that we have a lot in common. And your blogs are pretty interesting. Find me sometime.

    -Xiu An

  • Hmm.. That’s true, but also very judgemental. You make it seem like you assume all girls are the same. Some girls might act like that, although, others may not. It depends on the person, and the personality. And if someone acts differently behind closed doors, the other person would have chose them that way.. And this is coming from the mouth of a 12 year old..

  • Nice blog. You’re really observant. Hope you meet your perfect girl soon.

  • great insight, keep up the good work!

  • interesting analysis of the complicated relationship between men and women… I must admit, that whole part about a girl being your friend vs. a girlfriend is so true.

  • i think if you spend the amount of time analyzing relationship in a relationship you might think otherwise. it’s different seeing it from a 3rd person view than being in the situation. things can’t be helped sometimes.

  • thats most def. true girls treat guys and the bf totally different.!!

  • I was thinking about the same exact thing, just the opposite.
    A guy friend versus a boyfriend.

    I totally agree with you, guys are more consistent. They are not as “complicated” as females are and the way how they think is….well, as simply stated, they think just the way they think, nothing more complicated, nothing as much or to the extreme.

    Like you, I don’t date casually because I value each relationship I have and I don’t want to date someone just “casually”, I want to be able to date someone who I would value very much and care for. No regrets, right?

    There is absolutely no rush in terms of, meeting “The One”. Really, trust me, on that. I’ve already met the person that I can so-called label “The One” but there is a challenge. There is always a challenge to everything, and even so if we both like each other, in your terms, “The perfect one”, we can’t be together because we both are happened to be very far away because I’ve transferred to another location.

    What’s next after finding the “perfect one”?
    Treasure what you already have.

  • Very wise! Good insight :)

  • I agree with what you said about girls changing after relationships end. Yeah, it is true that we tend to change so we can protect ourselves. And even though I know what you said is true about how it’s unfair to treat Guy A like Guy B, if a girl went through many bad relationships, and all of her boyfriends in the past have cheated on her, it’s hard for her to not take precaution. She’d need a lot of time before she can say with certainty that Guy B is different. She’d be more paranoid than average girls because of her past.

    And by the way, I really love your xanga. =) All your entries are so well-written and deep.

    -Crystal

    p.s. we talked on AIM once or twice before. you probably don’t remember me anymore though. =P

  • well, you are an understanding guy. most guys i come across grow frustrated as they grow older with no luck of finding the right/comfortable relationship.
    but coming from a girl, i have one bit of advice: work on yourself first. whatever it is that you do, that makes you successful, girls will naturally gravitate to you and want to be with you. then you can make the selections from there. like, as long as you have yourself together, people would want to be with you.
    so maybe work on your job? reach your full potential, have status.. and the chicks will come flowing
    it’s like all the famous people you know. rock stars, actors… when they have status, people just want to be with them. then you find a lover who’s a nice sweet genuine girl who’s not after your gold, but after your love and appreciation for her, and you’re all set!

  • whoaaa i totally agree with what you’re saying about how you think its better to be friends first and then date..etc
    good post! =D

  • “a girl is usually a lot more demanding of a boyfriend than her guy friend. she might not know how different until a situation presents itself.
    Posted 8/28/2007 3:02 PM by SarahakaHungry”
     
    i have to agree with her.

  • It’s cool man, the only woman I’ve ever had in my life, was my mother. She’s probably my best friend too. I need to find a s.o… :]

  • Word Up.

  • i fink what you’re saying is true.. and obviously people are going to put up walls in areas where they have been burnt before. we are all juz being catious so not 2 make the same mistakes again. bt i noe where u’re coming from =]

  • My ex-boyfriend was my best friend first.

    The only difference when he acted like a whiny girl at times, I was more of the ‘guy’.

    But other than that… it was pretty much the same, we hung out, watched movies, insulted each other, did a lot of other crap… It was fun while it lasted.

  • you are really a member whore. so many people on your page. btw, nice blog

  • At first, I was going to say that you’ll never find out how they’ll really be as a girlfriend unless you actually take the risk..but after reading your edit..All I guess I have to say now is…Good luck on finding that feeling.

  • I’ll be ur girlfriend and I’ll fuck u all night if u want me to and I’ll suck ur Dick

  • I’ll be ur girlfriend u sexy beast and I’ll suck ur dick and fuck u all night long if u want me to!!!

  • my sn is c00kiesncreme. :]

  • i don’tknow you…but i just wanted to leave a comment…

    interesting thing you wrote there…and i just wanted to say..it seems to me like you’re just kind of…afraid of something…blah blah…girls…not afraid of girls but their fakeness….but i could be wrong cause i don’t know you..

    whatever the case…your momma’s looking out for you..she’s afraid you’re going to grow old alone…and no mother wants their child to grow old alone…anyways..

    you’ll find that perfect girl when you least expect it..good luck…which should be any day now because you obviously aren’t looking..lol..

    anyways…as for your statement about girls who change after one guy does her wrong…

    i would like to say that i have been that girl, in the past when guys did me wrong i did change and play around with guys’s heads…cause i didn’t want to get hurt..but then i met this guy who put up with my crap, and stuck around no matter what, and he changed me…so what i’m trying to say is…sometimes they do it in hopes that a guy will come along and prove them wrong that all men aren’t jerks…or maybe they do it just cause they are afraid ot commit…like guys who are players…

    guys and girls are more alike then you believe, guys can be just as fake as girls can be…

    okay done saying what i had to say….

    don’t be offended by what i wrote i just felt like leaving my opinion out there for you to read..

    good luck you’re a cutie so your mother has nothing to worry about you’ll surely find your perfect girl some day..

    riko
    xoxoxo

  • wow.  472 comments.  I hope you’re not too worn out to read this one.  Coming from a girl who has changed progressively in the past with a relationship, I think most girls would agree that as a simple friend, the know that the other person is not obligated to do anything, hence, expectations are few and less demanding.  With a relationship though, once the title comes in..let’s admit.  It’s over.  Questions of “why didn’t you call last night?”, “where were you” or “why are you talking to her”  almost become self justified.  Is it fair?  I don’t know.  I guess it’s just a matter of how much you like the person to take all that shit.  nice entry.  =)

  • i don’t think its really the guys/ladies problem.

    and it really doesn’t matter if the both of you were friends/enemies first.

    when cupid strikes..

    something great happens..

    & should it happen to you someday..when you found THE ONE.

    re-think about this post..

    & you would know how far-fetched you would be from your thoughts.

    but keep the faith though! =)

  • I can see why you would say girls are different. I somewhat agree. Interesting read.

  • truee

  • i agree. u can’t really know if a girl friend will make a good girlfriend. i guess u can generalize that to a wife too..you can’t know if the girlfriend you like will also be the wife that you’ll like lol

  • you shouldnt get a girlfriend just because your mom wants u to, u should get one if thats what u really want… u shouldnt worry what other people think….. even if they are related to u.

  • Those are generalizations. In my experience, the opposite is true. My mom hasn’t changed much in years. My dad, on the other hand, has changed a bit. But that has more to do with maturity (or lack thereof).

    A being in a relationship can and should change people. You have to be responsible for another person. It helps you be more unselfish. Love is putting another person’s wants and needs before your own. No one can practice that perfectly, so the longer one is in a relationship, the better he/she should be at loving the one person.

    I do agree you should get to know a girl as a friend before dating or marrying her. Friendships is the best foundation for a marriage. It’s one thing to marry your lover–how much richer and satisfying it is to marry your best friend.

    As for living together before getting married, there are reasons why statistics say people who lived together before getting married have a higher divorce rate. By living together, couples are trying to act like they’re married when they aren’t. They’re defrauding each other. They hope living together will give them a sense of how married life will be. They want to take the risk out of marriage. But since when has life been “safe”? Every relationship we have–whether that be friendship, professional, etc.–involve risk. You could be hurt or betrayed even by the best of friends. Loving anyone or anything is to risk pain.

    I also speak out of my personal convictions concerning sexuality. I believe sex is the most intimate union a human being can experience, and it is reserved solely for marriage and, ideally, to one person. Doing this helps prevent emotional problems and STDs.

    Pardon me for spending more time commenting on one sentence of your post instead of on the main point of what you wrote. I have strong convictions concerning such things, and I thought I’d offer you a different perspective on the subject. I’m not expecting you to agree with me.

  • hmmm interesting

  • i hate to admit it, but for the most part its true.
    we do shelter ourselves and close ourselves off if we’ve been hurt.
    and we are completely and totally different with our friends than our boyfriends.

    only thing is, i think men have the potential to change as well.
    Anyone can really. And sometimes they close themselves off too.

  • i was impressed by ur essay><

  • halo”

    cmcm^^

  • I agree with most of what you wrote… simply put girls will be girls and guys will be guys.. that’s the bottom line that like their opposite partner to be a certain way that they like but the reality is that however he/she was like when they were just friends is totally different than the way they act after they start going out. They care about each other more of course but not just that… they care about the smallest bad habit they have wanting them to change. But i mean it’s difficult to change someone into another person whom they don’t feel comfortable being. i think it’s actually better for someone to be able to deal with other’s bad habits then to change them instead…

  • hrm. i tried reflecting upon myself on this matter and i can’t tell if i’m different towards my friends and my boyfriend (if i had one).

    jen from midnightAM

    Don’t miss our show Fresh Laundry Tuesdays at 10:30pm PST. It’s a show where viewers and streamers discuss issues on relationships, friends, family, etc. More scheduled shows to come!

    And don’t forget to swing by to say hi when we’re just streaming live!

  • I like ”from friends to lovers” relationship. We treat friend different from our Boyfriend but it is sweet when a guy knows everything about the girl (the way she act, the way she think, her mood swing…) but still, decided to go into deeper relationship. “Friends to lovers” will work.

  • think people in general are the same. everyone is capable of becoming jaded. everyone has walls. if you’re friends w/ the girl first & you treat her exactly as you would when she was just a friend & exactly as you would treat any other friend, that will probably be a problem. if you do a 180 & morph into someone else, that would probably be a problem too. depending on personality & compatibility, the kind of bf or friend you are to one person can be a totally different experience in the eyes of another person…

  • As a girl, I agree with that.
    Very observant for a guy, I would say. Cheers!

  • HI

  • thats so true. Before committing to anything whether its for rships, work, choices in life, you gotta be sure of it bfore you jump.

  • Being friends before having a relationship helps you get to know the girl better. I think that in a relationship people change and they’re not themselves. So having a relationship that is just like a friendship but in more depth is a lot better than having a relationship thats based on just characteristics.

  • …iiiekssss! is garfield or girlfield?

  • the best thing comes when u wait^^ nice post u have there:)

  • humans are such complicated creatures.

  • (the amount of change a person goes thru after a relationship is proportional to the amount of impact that person had on the said person [though not necessarily due to that person himself/herself but rather that person's impact on the said person has more to do with the said person's issue/desires/etc], hence, the less the change, the less that person had the impact on said person.)

    as a general rule.

    and when it comes to CHANGE… guys/girls… are the same, to the above said rule. girls may go thru the “all guys are the same and could hurt me” routine, but in the end, girls stay the same, like guys.. hence, why they make the same mistake, except in a different way, but if you take a step back, you realize it’s the same..

    different face, different place, different circumstance… same issue, same fears, same diaster, same mistake…etc.

    if i sound jaded, i’m not.. i’m pretty optimistic about people and their ability to learn from their mistakes, their issues and become better for it..

    in the end…aging is mandatory, growth is a choice.

  • you’re too cute to be single

    as for the cohabitation-divorce thing, living together doesn’t cause/create divorce. ppl who live together before marriage just tend to be more liberal. i also learn some years ago that this doesn’t apply to those who get married shortly after cohabiting (within six months or so)

  • trying to analyze the opposite sex, just make things seem more complex.

  • It’s been a while, Ray Lee!

    I have to disagree with you about change: I don’t think it’s sex-specific at all, we’re all growing and we always will be. “A friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” Stolen from Shakespeare, but it’s apropos to all fruitful relationships, don’t you think? Every relationship depends on how two parties relate to each other. In a romantic relationship, each individual brings his/her own baggage to the table, e.g. being wary of a new guy/girl bc something didn’t work out with another, not treating your significant other like other friends. If you can each put up with the other’s idiosyncrasies, and have that “spark” you mentioned, then I suppose it will work out for the best. And if you can’t (or won’t) put up with the other’s quirks, or you just don’t have that “spark,” well, then I guess that works out for the best as well, right? My two cents.

    I haven’t been able to get a hold of the library’s copy of The Deer & the Cauldron, Books 2 & 3…still! I don’t suppose you’ll just tell me what happens? It’s a translation, so it’s not really cheating, is it?

    And don’t let Mom pressure you into looking…you’ll run into the perfect girl for you at 6pm on some random Tuesday when you’re good & ready!

    Take care,

    WH

  • It’s been a while, Ray Lee!

    I have to disagree with you about change: I don’t think it’s sex-specific at all, we’re all growing and we always will be. “A friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” Stolen from Shakespeare, but it’s apropos to all fruitful relationships, don’t you think? Every relationship depends on how two parties relate to each other. In a romantic relationship, each individual brings his/her own baggage to the table, e.g. being wary of a new guy/girl bc something didn’t work out with another, not treating your significant other like other friends. If you can each put up with the other’s idiosyncrasies, and have that “spark” you mentioned, then I suppose it will work out for the best. And if you can’t (or won’t) put up with the other’s quirks, or you just don’t have that “spark,” well, then I guess that works out for the best as well, right? My two cents.

    I haven’t been able to get a hold of the library’s copy of The Deer & the Cauldron, Books 2 & 3…still. I don’t suppose you’d just tell me what happens? It’s a translation, so it’s not really cheating, is it?

    Take care,

    WH

  • Well, I know you have already gotten a lot of comments… but I thought I would add my two cents. In the first place, I think you are overgeneralizing and therefore limiting each of the sexes to your predetermined idea of them.
    However, I do see how you could draw the conclusion that girls are different as friends and girlfriends… I would say its a code of conduct indoctrinated into us by our peers and society in general.
    With guy friends you can do this and this – but they are just friends…
    With boyfriends… you should play mental games, tease them, but try to be sweet anyway.
    I prefer just being friends. Those mental games suck.
    If I had my druthers, I would always be friends with people I date… and always date my friends. -not with ulterior motives as you said.

  • haha i had to think about that awhile, but i do agree with u.  girls do expect different things out of their boyfriends and boy friends.

  • girls like to suck me off

  • good passage…

    I agree a lot ^^

  • well said

  • I completely agree that some girls stereotype guys.  For me I find that girls my age stereotype older guys by saying all they want is sex which I’m completely against because some older guys are but some are actually more mature than the guys our age which is why I date up.  I think that girls change because our lives are constantly changing.  What we were one day we might not like in two months.  What people say we should do isn’t what we should be doing.  We change because we’re trying to conform and guys tend to be friction in that process.

  • i completely agree, im speechless…

  • I think you made an interesting observation regarding how girls change after every relationship. However, I have encountered the same problem… but with guys. Just thought you’d like to know, but I’m sure someone else has said the same thing. Well-articulated observation though=)

  • dude shut the heck up  nobody cares

  • subscribed to you. i like to read what you have to say. :] keep it up !

  • uh, my opinion is that girls are just that – girls. lol

    nice work on the long blog thing though.

  • haha…it was really a interesting entry…i was just passing by….but as you say everyone is different…so just let it go to the flow…i just can say that there is a lot of thing you can’t control…Actually every thing is gonna to be okey!!

  • You sound like a typical AFC.  You should read The Game by Neil Strauss to purge yourself of your AFC mentality and open your eyes to a whole new world and stop being celibate.

  • LMAO I like how you type out this long over-analytical post where you try to demonstrate your intelligence and understanding of females where you have this underlying message of “I’ve been celibate for ages, but it doesn’t matter because I am not a sex hungry guy, I am different from other guys, I’m the kind of guy that buys gifts for you and will marry you.”  And then you have that bigass picture of your face pasted onto it totally screaming “Please date me I’m smart and intelligent!”  I love how you try to play off your celibacy like sex is not important to you and think that women will find it attractive because you are a cool, smart, spiritual guy who doesn’t need sex if he’s in a relationship.  That shit doesn’t work, that’s just feminist propganda shoved down our throats by the feminist media.  Sex is a basic human need, and it is wired into ALL of us biologically.  Girls like sex almost as much as guys, they just tend to hide it better because the feminist media will labels girls who like sex as “sluts”.

    Cut the bullshit because first of all, girls aren’t going to feel attracted to a guy who writes over-analytical philosophical themed bullshit, and secondly, girls respond to FEELINGS and EMOTION not logic and reasoning so you’re rowing up the creek with the wrong paddle.

  • Um.. Maybe this question will be a bit off topic..

    so u mean that u re not finding a mate but waiting? waiting for that spark?

  • well i got to say a very interesting blog but this blog can go both ways. i guess i do understand what u saying and there are sum part i agree and disgree. but to give up on dating becuase of one bad relationship that went wrong shouldn’t stop u from finding that one perfect person. And like u say we women shouldn’t judge man as one but there are types A n B wouldn’t that go the same for women. And how would u tell if u find that one perfect women if ur not willing to take a risk and explore. i guess i trying to say women are also easy to tell but man don’t seem to notice. And my guess u only encounter the bad one. Just to let u noe there are types A and B women and there are sum women that done blame man for things that go wrong in their life. don’t take this comment the wrong way it just my own experience. keep ur head high and thing happen for a reason.

  • hiii

  • troi oi

  • troi oi

  • I don’t think it’s necessarily true that it’s easy to tell what a guy is like in a relationship just from being friends with him. Everyone has their fears and reservations. Maybe YOU don’t hold anything back from girls you’re friends with or girls you’re potentially interested in dating, but there are plenty of guys who do. I think the best way to find out how a person would be in a relationship is to actually ask them about their previous relationships, and most girls at least would probably be willing to share more than you ever even really wanted to know.

  • yeah i knew someone (a close best friend) who was treated badly in seven relationships with boys…and then when her eighth boyfriend Loc came along…she treated him like an asshole, even though he was the nicest guy she could ever have met. That was such a shame for him really because she dumped on him with all her previous exes and their crimes…he was often punished/accused for the things her ex’ used to do to her when in fact she was borderline delusional. Sad to see such a guy leave her after being there for her two and a half years cuz he really did care about her until she pushed him away I guess for the last time. She still is close friends with him, but I suspect he wants nothing more to do with her and any chance that she had with him is gone. She recently tried to bluff him into being jealous that she was with someone else who was her longtime friend/paramour but he just brushed it off and said “Go for it.” I guess he really does play up the whole “Best friends” forever thing…although it was her idea to stay “best friends”…he’s moved on…she has not…and God I just didn’t know what to say really. I wish I had the guts to tell my friend to just trust him and go for it…but she probably would’ve ignored me…and made things worse…still sometimes I wonder if her life would be much better…she was so much happier when she was with him…even though she wouldn’t let him see that…I could see her life definitely light up…and now she’s forced to just go on as though the lover she’d always wanted…has left her behind…and never existed in the first place. To be fair he wasn’t the greatest boyfriend or the most “Exciting” or well-rounded/out-going type of person…but he did give her love whenever she needed it…he was there for her through tough times and stood by her even when she stabbed him repeatedly in the back it seems…and I was sure she’d lose him after less than a year…it’s a miracle he even stuck with her for as long as he did…she put him through hell…haha, sorry to say…
    ~Erin

  • I agree on the part where you said that boys don’t change. I’ve tried to change my boyfriend and he hasn’t completly changed his behavior but he’s improved. I don’t really think it’s possible to completely change a person but improvement is enough for me.

    I also agree that girls treat their boyfriends differently than their boy friends. I think it’s because boy friends don’t matter as much so you can do whatever you want but with a boyfriend you have to think about your actions.

    nice blog by the way it was very interesting.

  • Actually, I agree with you on this one. Since the dynamics between friendship and romantic relationship is different, a guy will never know a girl just as a friend the same way as knowing her as a girlfriend.

  • hahaha…well I treat my male friends and my bf not too differently, but definitely different benefit. =P

  • wut u wrote is so true…..i agree with u    girls do change a lot  espcially when they find a  bf  but if u wanna find a mrs right u gotta put ur trust in her and the longer u guy stay together the better the relationship is…..

  • At least your mom is only asking if you’ve got a girlfriend. After years and years of drumming “I don’t want to get married, ever” into my parents heads they no longer ask but it’s now turned into, “when are we going to get grandkids?” At that point I tell them, “you want kids go talk to my married sister”… Maybe after a few years of that they’ll stop asking me.

  • I agree to the extent that yes, you won’t know how a girl is like in a relationship until you pursue that relationship. However, not all girls are as you have described. Different girls react, think, feel differently. Maybe guys just need to discover that difference for themselves.

  • I agree with you wholeheartedly–girls as friends are different as girlfriends. I think it’s because they feel that they have these whole new expectations that they have to meet so they change the way they act…which is sometimes not for the better. On the other hand, somebody who is a difficult friend may be a very submissive girlfriend, so one never knows…ahh the mysteries of women. And I’m one myself!

  • have u ever been in this situation: you found love someone BEFORE ”know about” him/her. my opinion: if you FEEL love someone, go ahead, it doesn’t matter what he/her REALLY IS. usually, even you discover the real him/her after you start dating him/her, it doesn’t effect ur feeling to him/her and ur relationship.

    people around me are in that way…

  • nice entry.

  • I hope your mom doesn’t nag you too much about finding a girlfriend; the right one will meet you soon enough :)

  • If its you and her then so be it. if not, then look for another. x(

    People change, we all change from what we are now. Thats the cycle in life itself, Things wont be same after a week or so, all that I’m pointing at is that we all change sooner or later!
    guys and girls alike.

    I agree to you liquid_s.. relationship is like a gamble.. you wont know what would have happened until you tried!!!

  • i just saw that your entry was featured, and decided to read it because the title made it sound interesting. Although i do not know you, i agree with many of the things you`ve mentioned because i am going through something similar with my ex boyfriend. anyway nice job.

  • i just saw that your entry was featured, and decided to read it because the title struck my attention. your thoughts are interesting, and i cannot agree with you more, primarily because i am going through a similar learning experience with my ex boyfriend. anyway nice job.

  • hello.. im looking for a boyfriend..can you find me?

  • haha…i agree with some of yr point!!!^_^

  • haah..i agree with some of yr point!!!^_^

  • I will say u’r just too overly cautious.

    For one more things, can you change the background colour n font colour, this white font, is really hurt my eyes.

  • “Bottom line is, you can know a girl really well as a friend, but you would never know how she is as a girlfriend.” I’m not trying to be mean or anything but are you gay? It’s just that most guys want gf’s regardless…

  • “Bottom line is, you can know a girl really well as a friend, but you would never know how she is as a girlfriend.” ^I agree with that statement.. I’m not trying to be mean or anything but are you gay? It’s just that most guys want gf’s regardless…

  • What ever the case is, you are still so young. Just live out your life. Usually when we don’t expect and care about finding that one person, some one will eventually come along the way.

    U see..there is no perfect person for anyone, you just have to have great chemistry and with what ever flaws she or yourself may have, you just learn to adjust to each other willingly or change it for the better. Unselfishly you creat your own great relationship.

  • here is the thing we pin the blame on all guys bc at one point in time they may have been thinking about it jst not have gone through with it…i other hand jst dnt care to hide how i act with myg uy friends and with a bf…but its ok bc if a guy cant except me for who i am then there is no point at all to be with them…same goes for being with a girl it is no different…

  • Edited, and revised version; The first one was written at 4:00 in the morning, and I was slightly delirious. just minor changes, and perhaps easiler to understand.

     I have been one of the few, and the lucky who had the opportunity to have married my best friends; but have lost them in tragedy. I would agree that the most wonderful is discovering that your special someone is that, who with you has climbed the many mountains which you have conquered, and who has tumbled with you  in their avalanches………a friend.

    I look back now and realize that they had lived with me, my ups and downs, and silly tantrums, and relationships. Those who have truly loved me, have loved me, and had seen me at my worst, and still loved me for it; because they understood……and were my friends.

     Because of my life I have had many men friends who surrounded me, and I was fortunate to have them. I have been questioned many times because of it. And even with all the criticism I would never had been able to give them up. I also never would  turn from my women friends. Perhaps,….I have always known that it was true that I would turn to them more then to my girlfriends. This perhaps because, my girl friends would always be my friends, as I would be theirs. But because we were women, women would tend to defend women, as men so do; through thick and thin. But my men friends wouldn’t; but they would stand by me.

    They would have me see it from a different perspective, and then would be the friends they were, and would give me space to understand it. My position would not allow me to be frivolous with my actions, and decisions. And because some men could be ordinary, I would never had been able to give up my women friends, they also have helped me realize some truths………… I have been fortunate. And because I married my friends from years before so they knew my bads, and my good.

    In most cases the boyfriend takes an over hand over the girlfriend’s friends, and sometimes friends are neglected. Sometimes caused by boyfriend influence, but before you think it to yourself; it is vice verse also. Attempt to realize how it would make you feel, and how you react towards your friend, and his girlfriend in similar situations, and the strain it puts on their relationship, as well as that of your friend and yours. And the strain it would put on a further future relationship, between all of you,  If it were to become a life commitment. Ahhhh how we tend to sabotage or own happiness, by sabotaging its future. In most cases we are at our best when we tend to meet someone, especially those we have relationships with. I personally like to meet someone, and not know that someone; will someday be much more then just my friend, but my best friend. I  sometimes like to meet my friend’s, friends, and become their friends also; and tend to like not be known as Don Juan’s girlfriend; but as my Don Juan’s friend first; who also became their friend. I like becoming my Don Juan’s  friends’ friend It makes it so much nicer in the future.

    Sometimes we neglect to allow those we love space to grow, and live,   perhaps out of fear of being left behind; this a neglect on its own.  And sometimes tending and nurturing to this fear, and allowing those we love room to be, and grow, allows us to grow, and brings us closer together.

    We all have a envisioned picture of the perfect person who we would like to meet. Our envision more air brushed then the pictured models in the high fashion world. and with even more airbrushed personalities. What we don’t realize, is that even those who now work in the high fashion world, are not perfect, and on many occasions it  is that  slightly imperfection such as a slightly crooked smile on a man, or woman model, which makes him, or her so attractive. And it is those perfect imperfections which makes them perfectly real. The slight wrinkle, made with a timeful expression from a natural feeling, magically  caught by a photographers camera,……… that is perfection!  Our eyes the lens to our hearts where the beauty of what we envisioned comes to full view.  As if an artist does  with his camera………….. Not staging a beautiful reality; but capturing a beautiful reality, I believe is the true key to happiness in ones relationships, and life.  Finding a place where we like to naturally be, without altering it’s beauty, for it all was placed there for a reason.

    If we envision our lives based on still pictures in magazines our lives become molded into a processed unrealistic, reality, as a magazine airbrushed picture of a manikin of a model when staged by someone. The most beautiful pictures of all are those which have been captured naturally.  Instead of those which have been molded into what someone in pictured, A model is told to imagine themselves as a wild jaguar in her kingdom jungle….. allowing the model  to live the moment, continued with details  so she or he could feel it, and then captured by the photographer

    And through the years, that extra laugh line you will notice, remember the years of joy, and remember that it was given for you, for all the times you laughed together. That gray hair, the years wiser which you have grown together. The extra pound, or so because you liked to go out for pizza, and beer at the local sports bar on the weekends; or  because you wanted a son to carry your name,……..and she will remember that that little beer belly was because she let you have those weekend barbecues with friends, and family, because she loved to be there too!

     

  • good for you nerd

  • you are stuped

  • can’t agree more. girls have many, many sides. it’s sad, sometimes annoying, but also … what makes us interesting right.

    also, i don’t know you but i think you look pretty decent. so your mom shouldn’t worry that much lol.

  • it think this blog really addresses some really important topics pertaining to dating trends but completely ignores many other arguments that are vital to making your point.

    i honestly think that everybody can be changed, but some men cannot, and some women spend their entire lives trying to change this one man – poor fools.

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