January 30, 2012
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Friends going out with your Ex. Weird or not?
So a friend of mine (Friend A) is dating the Ex-gf of another friend of mine (Friend B). Friend B and the Ex were together for about 3 years during college and she has a lot of mutual friends. A couple of years back, she began dating another one of Friend B’s friends (Friend C). Before any other thoughts go through your head, I would like to add that she’s a really nice and friendly person and I don’t personally think she does it on purpose to make Friend B uncomfortable.
Anyway, so what happens is that both Friend A (Ex-gf’s current boyfriend) and Friend C (Ex-gf’s previous boyfriend) both knew Friend A pretty well and out of respect, both notified him that they were going beyond friendship with his Ex-gf. I thought this was the right thing to do. It’s not about “asking for permission,” but more like giving a “head’s up” out of respect. If one of my friends wanted to date any of my Exes (sp?), I would like them to let me know. I think it’s weird when a friend dates anothe friends Ex, but I understand that things happen.
So what happens then is Friend B sends a text to both his Ex and Friend A and says something along the lines of, “As awkward as it is, I wish both you guys the best–my only request is that you two keep the PDA at a minimum when I’m around. Thanks.”
Personally, I think that to be an extremely reasonable request. I think Friend A thought so as well. In fact, I think most guys would think so. However, his Ex-gf does not think so. She doesn’t feel it’s right for Friend B to make such a request. Yes, they’ve had a history together, but it’s way in the past. Friend B reasons that he’s not comfortable that his friends are dating his Ex-gf, but will not do anything to stop it since it’s not his place to.
The most interesting part is that Mrs. jigg also agrees with the Ex-gf and thinks Friend B’s request of “minimal PDA around him” is out of line. She doesn’t think that a friend dating another friend’s Ex is weird at all. I think that’s crazy, but it led me to wonder, is it only a guy thing?
Ladies, can you chime in and comment on this matter? If say, your friend dates your Ex-bf, how would you feel? If you were “okay” with it, does it mean that it’s not weird to you?
Comments (27)
No that would be weird for me, too. I don’t like too much PDA anyway so I feel weird when ppl PDA too much, and I would feel all the more weird if my ex and my other friend were dating and mad PDAing.
How heavy is the PDA? Some things shouldn’t be out in the open like that no matter what the group dynamics are.
I’m not too sure, honestly. If I were the ex, I’d keep it to minimum just out of awkwardness and respect, personally.
Eeeks. I don’t know how friends can date the ex of a friend. Acquaintances, sure, maybe. But friends? I wouldn’t be comfortable with it. And with the PDA, I can understand where she’s coming from because it’s like ex-boyfriend saying, “Yeah, sure, I’m okay with you guys dating, but you guys can’t kiss in front of me.” Kind of sounds like a contradiction to me.
@behindthedimples - I don’t think it’s a contradiction because it’s not like he’s giving them permission to date… like he doesn’t own her so it was more like, “I won’t try to make it uncomfortable and weird for you, if you don’t make it uncomfortable and weird for me.”
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’ve always believed that dating friends’ exes seem a bit incestrous (for lack of a better word) — awkward for not only the people directly involved but for others in the same social circle, and in many cases, just plain wrong. I just think that friendship should trump romantic interests. So yes, I would definitely mind if a friend starting dating an ex. As for the no-PDA request, it sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
no. i don’t even want to imagine it. not my good friends.
sorry, girls. I’m with the guys on this one. Life isn’t about fairness and entitlement. It’s more about what is appropriate.
I actually think its very weird. honestly, i know that things can happen and friend A is a good person for trying his best to understand. i think his request is reasonable, especially because it’s it’s a new relationship. i have friends in the same situation and ex gf and friend b are now married, and they are all forced to remain friends because all have mutal friends. over time, it was as if the first relationship never happened.
If i were friend A, i would feel very uncomfortable and while i would not ask them to keep the pda down, I would probably over time stop being friends with the new couple. i have no right to stop them from being happy, but I would most likely distance myself from them. if i were the ex gf, I would out of respect keep the pda down while A is around, at least for the time being.
most importantly, if it were me, it would just not happen. i would never date a friend’s ex because it just causes too many issues and too much baggage. problems start happening especially when you were close to the couple before you started dating the ex and you start comparing the relationships even if you don’t want to.also, i can’t even imagine that any of my friends would never date my ex’s. I don’t know, it just wouldn’t happen. its a different story if they have gone on a few dates and realized that they weren’t a match, but a 3 year, very intimate relationship? it’s just so weird.
i hope friend b and ex gf’s relationship works out and they end up getting married, because no matter what there’s going to be collateral damage and friendships will be lost. I guess the important question is, is it worth the trouble? in my friend’s case, yes it was worth the trouble becaues friend A and ex gf really weren’t right for each other, despite their 7+ years together. friend B and ex gf are PERFECT for each other and honestly can’t imagine them with anyone else.
I’m with the guys on this one. My girls and I have always followed the “rule” of not dating friend’s ex’s.
“Anyway, so what happens is that both Friend A (Ex-gf’s current boyfriend) and Friend C (Ex-gf’s previous boyfriend) both knew Friend A pretty well ” — doesn’t make sense. I’m assuming it’s ‘both knew Friend B pretty well”
i’m with mrs. jigg on this one. i don’t think it was out of line per se, but more like… there’s no reason for him to say anything at all, especially if he’s okay with his friend dating his ex. that being said, not a fan of PDA.
also in terms of dating a friend’s ex, i probably wouldn’t… just too much baggage and honestly, there are a lot of other guys out there to choose from. why would you want to deal with that hot mess.
I don’t think it’s an unreasonable thing for the friend to want, but asking that to both of them is a guaranteed way to add friction into the mix.
The whole thing is just weird man, just because shit like that worked out on Friends doesn’t mean it works out in real life.
The Bro Code has been broken. Also, I doubt the Ex would think the same way if Friend B were dating her ex.
yeah awkward… and as friend B, why would you want to meet up with both of them at the same time anyway?
@Yosho - A lot of mutual friends…
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I think it’s weird and I’d be with the guys on this one.
I think its because PDA is something that’s important to girls and not so much to guys.
Less PDA, meh no biggie.
you should add that the male is 6 years younger than the female he’s dating
i’m bitter and i hold grudges, so don’t hold my comment with too much regard. i would hate to see them together.
I think it’s weird. I thought it was the Golden Silent rule of “Don’t date your friend’s exes and don’t date your ex’s friends” no? I think the request is perfectly reasonable and should be respected. I would ask the same if I was in Friend B’s situation. Besides, how often do they meet up? And how much PDA do they really need??
If the girl feels like the guy’s request was unreasonable, she needs to consider how she would feel if any of her exes were dating her friends. Would she make the same request?
i think your friend’s request is reasonable.
Personally, I don’t think Friend B’s request for minimal PDA is out of line. AND I think the girl should respect his request as an ex-girlfriend. There’s a history there and to keep the PDA minimal is really just a small request, I truly don’t think it’s a lot to ask for.
Did Friend B feel he needed to add that part in about pdas? Personally, I think it’s implied and the words don’t need to be said. Friend A and the girl should go easy on pdas anyway, out of respect for B and C. Perhaps the girl is offended because B said it, not because of what he said… like she would’ve done that anyway but is upset that he doesn’t think she would. Anyway, this girl needs to find a new group of guys to date from… 3 guys in one group?! That is just weird!
@manoagirl7 - To answer your question, Friend B had to say it because he knows how Ex-gf can get, especially after drinking.
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I feel that maybe friend B either still have some feeling for his ex or that he is a little possessive. There might be a history but it’s in the past and it’s over. If friend B doesn’t like what he sees then he can walk out and not see it, but I don’t think he has a right to apply influence on what his ex and his friend do as a couple. As an adult I think he should be mature enough to handle this situation in a calm and collected fashion without being the monkey on someone’s back.
If two people like each other, who they dated in the past should not stop them from being together…unless you’re related to the person they dated…then it’s wise to think twice.
i think both B & the ex. a still hving sth towards each other. or not. ppl wont be bothered by someone who s not important.
it s hard to say who s right or wrong or reasonable or what…but how they deal with the problem: gona see each other becoz of the many mutual friends & consider the feeling of (current) another half.
anyways, dating fd’s ex will never happen on me…as i will always hv the picture in mind about how they made out in the past & then feel s just disgusting. Perhaps this s mean: dating fd’s ex s juz like chewing gum that someone has chewed. *Gross*
One of my friends dated my ex a few years ago, and my current boyfriend is actually an ex-bf of a friend of mine (not really that close but still). So hearing this, it made me think of how I felt during that time and now, and how my friends reacted and I’m glad to say we’re both all very open about things. Not to say that my friend didn’t give me the ‘heads up’ when she dated my ex. I got angry about it but let it slide because she’s my friend and sometimes things can’t be helped, especially human emotions.
For me, just as long as somebody gives me a heads up about things, I’ll be alright.