March 23, 2011
-
Every relationship is a struggle?
A friend of mine was asking me how my relationship with Mrs. jigg seem so easy while her relationship with her fiancé was so hard. It made me wonder–does everyone think that keeping a relationship is really hard? Is every relationship a struggle?
I haven’t been in that many relationships, but I feel like while every relationship has its struggles, a good and healthy relationship shouldn’t feel like a struggle. It shouldn’t have constant bickering and fights.
While there is no clear formula in producing a good relationship, much really has to do with talking and communicating properly. Just because words are being exchanged does not mean you are communicating. Instead, I would say that once there’s anger and sarcasm in the tone, the conversation is going the wrong direction. “Yes, but,” statements may seem to help you get your words in, but they’re not really words of comprehension, but superficial words to make it seem like you even somewhat agree.
I think it surprises me when people hold on so tight and so long to struggling relationships. Hope is a crazy thing, but it’s also irrational. Sometimes, some of these relationships look like disasters to me, yet the people involved refused to protect themselves and run away to safety. They stay in and hope that things get better when things are only getting worse.
As I’m writing this, I’m wondering how many people will read this and feel defensive about their current relationship.
Comments (32)
This is why not everyone can be good at business/investing. Many people hold on to relationships thinking, oh man, I’ve invested so much into this, I gotta get some sort of yield. But they don’t realize that it’s a dying company and they’d actually be better off selling it earlier than later.
YES. relationships should always be easy and effortless. if it isn’t, it’s not right. certainly, challenging situations do arise (for example, my woman lives across the country and i haven’t seen her in 2 months), but these situations do nothing to threaten the core of what we share.
when things are right, it’s ridiculous how easy they get. there’s no compromising. no coming to an “agreement”. no deal making! instead, everything just feels and is right. and it’s really easy!
sometimes too easy that i constantly have to remind myself to put forth an added effort before i get complacent. and i do this not because she expects it by any means, but because she deserves it. :)
@davidian - That’s exactly how my relationship with Karen feels. I don’t think we’ve ever gotten in a fight about anything!
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
@jigg - yeah man. you guys are great. like i always said, most guys stop courting after they get married cause “it’s in the bag”. but i think you probably agree when i say that marriage is really when the courtship begins!
i think people struggle when relationships change. For example when you get married and live with each other for the first time .. getting to know each other’s habits and quirks … it takes effort to learn and adapt to each other’s ways. Again, when you have kids. Each time a life event happens, your relationship changes because you’re taking on a new role, whether it’s as wife or husband, father, mother, etc. And anyone who tells you that their relationship (husband and wife) hasn’t changed since having kids is lying.
I think the issue comes when people hang onto how the relationship was before the “life event” instead of learning to move forward.
Agreed, it should definitely feel easy. After all, love should be easy on the mind, soul and spirit. But if one gets too comfortable it’s always a no bueno.
yessss. if only more people felt this way…
Just to flip things around, there’s also the opposite situation where people give up too easily, or aren’t discerning enough about their selection of partners going into the relationship… this results in high divorce rate. In general, I think people are just lacking good judgment in picking partners and are unwilling to compromise when the situation is recoverable.
@davidmiya - While I can’t say this about every divorce, I do think that by the time you are married and you decide to divorce, it’s still cutting your losses. I’m not sure it’s that easy to generalize divorces as “not trying hard enough.” In fact, I would say that you should have already known if you could spend the rest of your life with someone before you marry them. Between the time you first dated to the time of divorce, it would be safe to say that you’ve already tried and it was to no avail.
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
what most people don’t realize is that when you add a “but” to a statement, every word that came before the “but” has been invalidated
Its only recently (after being together for 6 years) that we’ve actually had a “difficult” situation so I’m a firm believer that even the best relationships has its moments where you question how you both stand.
Relationships are probably easier for certain personalities more than others. From my past experiences, it wasn’t really a struggle to hold on to really, but it did require some work. That’s especially the case when there’s distance involved.
I feel like relationships are a struggle for me – it is a struggle to continuously prioritize him and not to take our relationship for granted when there are so many other claims on my time that are “louder” in their demands / seem more pressing in the short-term…
@torisun - Based on your comment, it seems like “he” is easily forgettable in your busy life? Maybe it’s a struggle because you haven’t found the right person to really grab your attention?
I don’t know. I’m just blabbing.
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I completely agree. A lot of people tell me the same thing about my husband and my relationship: Why are you so lucky? Why have you lasted so long?
Of course, maybe my answer is that “it takes some work” misguides them. I just mean, that it takes communication – not screaming; understanding – not looking out for one’s self. So many people stay in relationships that are doomed to fail…because I think they don’t want to be alone. I don’t mean EVERYONE, just a few friends I see around me.
I’ve never been in an actual relationship, but I totally see where you’re coming from. One of my friends will be marrying her 7 year sweetheart & is truly in love w/ him. They rarely fight & have a very loving relationship. I’m sure there are ups & downs to every relationship, but let’s hope there are more ups! Take care of Mrs. Jigg, haha. ;D
“As I’m writing this, I’m wondering how many people will read this and feel defensive about their current relationship.”
Forget them. They are probably insecure and just dont know how to fix their relationship or move it forward
Not every relationship is a struggle but there are some that do struggle. Whether it has to do with financial problems or family values, no relationship is perfect; perfect as in there isn’t any argument or fight. I would say my relationship with my significant other is healthy and I don’t think that we’re struggling. I mean, we don’t hold back on anything – from fighting or from getting all loved up. If a relationship is struggling then there definitely is a problem, whenever I think of struggling I think of lack of bond. Something is missing between the two and they’re trying so hard to hold on but is it worth it in the long run? Some times we just have to consider that even though you are together, it’s just not meant to go any further than that. 有緣無份 – Have fate without destiny.
@LiNnNerziSm - Some people can’t accept 有緣無份.
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
my relationships have always been a struggle cuz i’m never fully satisfied. i either have high expectations but put up with the person or I just haven’t found the perfect guy for me. I don’t think i’ll ever be fully happy until i find the perfect guy for me. My heart/mind will always wander, just depends on how long it takes for me to wander. i won’t cheat, but my heart won’t be there. I won’t be 100% into the relationship. i wouldn’t feel defensive u say that yours is simple & wonderful. u might not have as high expectations as me. i fully accept that’s the way i am. some ppl r easily satisfied.
i struggled with a relationship with a parent/client for months and months cause she couldtnt keep up with my policy…abused the hell out of my grace period. i had to break it off. she refused to compromise.
i am not defensive at all.
my current relationship we never ever fight or argue even when we moved in together.
i don’t think a relationship should be HARD. there will be times when you face adversity and will have to put in effort to make it through that, but overall, relationships should be easy. my relationship with jason is the easiest one i’ve ever been in. sure, i bitch and moan about things here and there, but at the end of the day, they’re outside noise/distractions and they don’t impact the core of our relationship.
@jigg - i think that could be true, but one of the classes I’m taking right now talks a lot about how people make really bad choices with regards to their own happiness (haha, I can’t believe I’m in business school taking a class on leading an “authentic” life). I am really happy when I am with my loved one, but it’s easy to put that aside (especially since he’s so patient and understanding) to chase my externally driven goals (working until 3am / weekends at a job that I think is desirable because it is viewed as “high-powered” by others).
Anyways, you and mrs. jigg seem to have a wonderful relationship and a balanced life in general
.
In my past relationships, I’ve felt my relationships with my exes WERE hard. While all they seemed to be inclined to do is throw up a white flag and just give up, I kept fighting and working to make our relationship seem effortless and yet the effort all fell on my shoulders. Even as we had parted our ways, almost each and every one of my exes regret that they didn’t keep “trying” and “think” about where we were headed when we kept tiptoeing around the cliff I saw too clearly ahead of us.
But with my current boyfriend, things are easier to deal with its speedbumps because he is open to talk to me. He’s the quiet and reserved one out of the two of us, but he’s not afraid to ask “what’s wrong” and it’s not about being ‘confrontational’ or being scared about it. It’s about being openly giving me the space to vent, maul over details and say nonsensical things to get it off my crowded and neurotic mind so he can help me through it. Out of all my relationships, this has been the most peaceful one and I’ve been happy about that. At first it wasn’t so… In fact, we make little pacts/promises that will improve our relationship and its communicative methods every now and then.
Anyway, when it feels like work, because it is work that you’re doing by yourself. and when your partner also feel as though they are also working to make something less turbulent. Then they need to review WHY they’re fighting/bickering/arguing at every point and decide if it’s worth the time to see each other and call it a relationship. Sometimes, people get in a habit of arguing. Funny and sadistic, it may be so, but if you have amazing make up sex after a big ridiculous argument, you get in the groove of seeking THAT out. That’s unhealthy.
I think relationships are a struggle if you make it that way. I married my husband after 7 months of meeting him. Everyone warned me about the first year of marriage being the most difficult but so far, we’re having a ball
Agreed with you 100%.
“people hold on so tight and so long to struggling relationships.”
can’t agree no more
sometimes, i juz cant believe i hv struggled that long in my last relationship n eventually it screwed up everything and the hurt s still prevailing n somehow affect my current relationship.
how stupid s that holding sth u rationally knows should give up.
I totally agree! I stayed in a 3 year marriage to see if things would just fix themselves! It never happened, so I finally left, he is still trying to hold on.
My current relationship we rarely fight, I love it. No tension in the house, no distance between us.
i never knew what people meant by — or rather, was skeptical of them! – when they kept saying, “when you know, you just know…” communication really is the bulk of it!
Relationships always have their own ups and downs. Some people just hide their frustrations better than others
I must be really desperate right now…cause even one of those struggling relationships is starting to look desirable!
Engrossing substance I haven’t been finished specified info in a lasting time.
Look for Chicken First Here